I was thinking about that post on faith…

And maybe I was wrong. Sort of.

Not in that I trust my Master with bigger things, and I exercise that trust more completely, more so even than if it were he and I in a vanilla relationship… That’s still true. I still think our dynamic elevates our trust, and our displays of faith in each other.

But maybe it’s not as simple as just elevated levels of trust.

Because I see vanilla couples who treat things like infidelity as stumbling blocks in their relationship. They survive it. They find out a partner is using drugs, and they work through it. They discover their partner has been communicating with an old flame, and they seem to accept that a partner would hide that, and then they fight about it, and eventually make up.

And I’m not saying Antonio and I would simply say, “Ah, man… You have an addiction? Well, it’s been a good run. Take care, and have a nice life. Bye!”

I just think… Well, hell, this is hard to put into words so it makes sense.

I just think if he and I had something on the same level of dishonesty as infidelity on our hands, our relationship would be beyond saving. Because we have these elevated uses of faith, breaches in our foundations of trust affect us more seriously. When you have more displays of intense faith, more things riding on your foundation of trust, the strength and integrity of that faith-foundation is more vital. The littlest cracks in that foundation are bigger problems, because so much more weight is resting on it.

Take for instance, on the simplest level, a trip to a store. To buy, um, a mug. (Try to bear with the crappy analogy…) Let’s say I broke a mug, a favorite of Antonio’s that I shouldn’t have been touching, and I got that little-girl fear and wanted to replace it without him noticing. So I went to the store, bought a new one, and replaced it. And let’s say he asked what I’d done that day, and I purposely left that little shopping excursion out of my report of daily activities. And then, say he found the receipt and figured it out.

He’d be pissed. I would have lied about where I went. And regardless of my reasons, I’d have lied and that would have been an issue. In another relationship, if I’d done that, he’d have no real reason to be pissed about it to the same degree. I didn’t say I DIDN’T go to the store, and I’m human, I’m my own person, I’m allowed to hide little things. White lies are a bit more commonplace (or, at least, they have been in my experience.) The little things, the little lies, the lies by omission about simple things, might not matter as much. But I think in my relationship, that little lie would have been a big deal. (Not huge, I imagine, but… Still something we’d have focused on and discussed and I’d have been punished for.) In another relationship, it might have just… Slid away.

That was a lame example and didn’t quite convey what I was trying to say. But I’m hoping you get my meaning.

Basically, I’m just musing… I guess it seems since we rely so much on our faith, because we test it so often, with such big things, it’s easier to break. It carries more weight than the average couple, and a smaller moment of dishonesty could have far more serious consequences, could leave far bigger marks. And something that wouldn’t break another couple could break us.

So does that make us weaker and unrealistic, if smaller things could break us apart? Or does it make us stronger and purer, since we expect more of each other? Is it unforgiving, and static, in the face of human nature, and human mistake? Or does raising the bar force us to rise to the challenge? Does the bigger burden on our foundation just give us a larger chance for failure, or does it necessitate added strength, and it allows us to grow deeper trust that will be strong enough to overcome anything?

Maybe we have an equal chance of falling on either side of the “this or that” equations. Maybe it just depends on how it’s handled. Hrm.

I tried to tell one of my girlfriends how power exchange increased trust between Antonio and me, and she took it as an insult. She responded with a VERY huffy, “Yeah? Well my boyfriend trusts me to actually make decisions for myself.”

*handface*

Needless to say, I was a little frustrated. And I know this lifestyle isn’t everyone’s idea of bliss, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to back down from this belief of elevated levels of trust. At least for me.

Faith is a muscle, and if you don’t use it, it atrophies.

In the context of my relationship, I exercise the hell out of my faith. I use, stretch, and test my trust in my Master on a daily basis, simply by the nature of how we interact.

(Btw, forgive me if I use “her” for submissive partners and “him” for dominant ones. I’m not trying to say that’s how it is or should be – it’s just how it is in my relationship, and it’s a LOT easier than saying “him/her” yanno?)

I know plenty of women (and men) in vanilla relationships who claim complete faith in their partners. But I know if seeds of doubt are planted – if they merely saw raised eyebrows from someone at the mention of infidelity – suspicion would be running rampant. And if someone outright said a partner was a cheater? These people would start snooping. They would scroll through the received calls on their significant other’s cell phone, take a peek at emails if they were left open (or maybe even if they weren’t), or start second-guessing when he or she goes “out for a drink with friends.”

A lot of people don’t seem to even need the suggestion that their partner might be straying to do that stuff. Sad, but true. They just assume their partner is not totally honest with them. I have the sneaking suspicion that’s because they are not totally honest with their partner.

Now, I’m not saying every vanilla couple always comes equipped with an unfaithful man and a mistrusting woman, or vice versa. And I’m not saying they are incapable of deep trust. Of course not.

I’m just saying I see mistrust in a lot of vanilla relationships, and that sort of basic mistrust is truly not an option in mine. And it’s because of the dominance and submission that I am not able to ever claim I have a level of trust I don’t truly possess.

Because in a vanilla relationship, I could say, “I trust you with my life.” But to say it in my relationship, I’m going to have to get blindfolded and bound and continue that thought with, “And now, I’m going to prove it.”

I don’t see it as just me, either. In sexual BDSM relationships, some of the harder, kinkier scenes involve incredible levels of faith. Both during and (sometimes more importantly) after.

During a scene, someone might be tied up, cuffed, blindfolded, gagged, chained in place, etc. And faced with pain, torture, mindfucks, solitude, or all of the above. The sub/slave/bottom has to trust the dominant partner to know her, to listen to her and respond accordingly (or know when to not respond at all), and not to harm her permanently.

That’s a hell of a lot of trust.

And of course the dominant has to trust the submissive. Consider a rape scene. During the scene, the submissive will have to trust her partner, obviously (or, I suppose, be a raging moron). But after the scene, the dominant has to essentially trust his life and reputation to his submissive. She could run, bruised and bloodied, to a police station. And with his skin under her nails, her body bruised and used, and his semen inside her, she could scream rape as loud as she wanted. And her dominant could be branded as a sexual predator. If it went to court and he went to jail, he’d have to register as a sex offender everywhere he lived for the rest of his life.

That’s a hell of a lot of trust too.

Trust in the bedroom is just one example. It exists (and sometimes translates) to the rest of my relationship, and to me, that’s the beautiful part. To know I can literally place my life in my Master’s hands means I can trust him implicitly in every aspect of our relationship.

If I saw raised eyebrows, or heard someone say my Man was a cheater, I could just smile and confidently say, “No. He isn’t.” That’s an incredible gift. And I believe it comes directly from my relationship dynamic.

Anyway, I was just a teensy bit irritated with that comment my friend made… I had to vent because she didn’t want to hear it, and you people don’t have a choice!

I was dealt a very lucky hand.

I am a young (well, 25 years old), upper-middle class, intelligent, educated, Caucasian woman.  I was born (without physical or mental defect) into a loving family in a safe neighborhood in the Northeastern United States.  I was not abused or neglected.  I was raised with all the right values, went to all the right schools, and celebrated all the right holidays.  Hell, I’m even right-handed.  Life is, was, and will probably continue to be very good to me.

Thing is, the social constructs provided by my (typical and truly loving) upbringing instilled in me values and ideals that were diametrically opposed to my core desires. 

There is no need to go through them because I’m sure you can guess, but they include: the ideas that women should be independent, should have identical roles to males in society, need to rally against past social structures that had men at the helm of a relationship, women must be equal, etc.

I actually agree with that last one, though…

But equal, to me, doesn’t mean “same.”  Nor should it.  Same means everyone should have the same birthday so little kids don’t cry when their sibling gets a party one day and they don’t.  Equal means they get different parties, on different days, with different themes, different presents, and different friends.  Same is unreasonable and sets humans up to feel inadequate, unloved, and unappreciated.  Equal is fluid and realistic, and ensures that life can be lived with maximum amounts of happiness and satisfaction by allowing for differences in abilities, strengths, needs.

I like equal a whole lot better than same.

And make no mistake; I believe I am equal to my Master. ***  

I think we are both one human life, one human soul.  We each equal one person.  We are equal.

We’re just not even CLOSE to the same. 

Mainly, we are not the same because I feel his importance is inherent, and my importance derives from HIM, and his ownership of me.  That’s what I believe I was meant to do in this life – be his.  And I think he’s truly the most amazing human on this Earth.  So it would be slightly oxymoronic of me to think I wasn’t important.  Everything he owns that serves a vital purpose to him is important and beautiful and useful and sturdy and GOOD – of course it is of he wouldn’t have selected it to be his, and be used by him.  And I’m the most prized possession of the lot!  So, yes.  I’m really fucking important.  But only because I’m his.

Does that make a shred of sense?  Or do I just come off sounding like a wench?  I don’t mean to, because, since I believe my worth and importance are wrapped up in being his slave, the minute that sort of thinking went to my head, my service would suffer.  And, hence, my value.

Probably more on that type of thinking later…. I can tell I’m not talked out about it. 

Because of my aforementioned lucky hand… I guess the question I have always wanted to answer out loud is “Why, Chloe, WHY do you do this?”  Because no one I know would ever believe I would “need” to live a life like this.  This life, as they see it, is for the weakest of the lot.

The way they see it (and it makes me cringe, but I have SEEN them proved right a few times), women who submit are doing so because they were so beaten down by life and love, instead of standing up and dusting themselves off, they remained on the ground and called that submission.  They may be uneducated, poor, shackled by abuse, or feel they are not attractive enough to be loved as they are. Life has brought them to their knees, and they have decided to stay there because the promise not to put up a fight if abused seems like the best thing they have to offer the world.  And then they attempt to glorify their surrender so it feels more like a choice, and less like a last resort.

So I’m always kind of wanted to say… Yeah?  Well fucking LOOK at me.  I do it too.  I am a woman who submits to the will of a man.  And I’ve "got everything going for me" so I shouldn’t "need" to, right? So, you wanna know why I do it?

I submit because I want and need to.  And nothing makes me happier than being owned.  I submit because I recognize the deep and instinctual desire to be under the care and protection and rule of a dominant leader.  That is where I feel safe and satisfied, as a human and a woman. Slavery is the role I was born to perform.  I submit to my Master because he is the only man on Earth I want to be with.  I love and serve him and only him.  For always and in all ways. 

Basically:

I’m NOT a slave because I’m too stupid to control my own life. 

I’m a slave because I am smart enough to realize I wasn’t built to.  

My slavery is simply the active recognition of biologically dictated roles; it is not an act of petty rebellion.  It is a choice, not a last resort.   It is given freely, not stolen.  It is an answer, not an excuse.  It is healthy, not a disease.  It is empowering, not destructive.  It is slavery, not surrender. I have every tool I could ever need to embody the role of the ideal modern woman – except the desire. This is the way I want and need to lead my life in order to be whole and happy.  Period.

Whew.  I wish I could really say that to a couple people…  But it felt pretty damn good to say it here.

*** I wonder how he’ll feel about this claim.  I’m fairly sure the other night he assured me -in no uncertain terms- that we are not equal…  I suppose if my next post is a long list of reasons detailing all the ways we are not equal – you’ll know exactly how he felt about it.