I’m an asshat.  Seriously.

I’m going to rectify it immediately.

Last night Antonio told me to do something, and I just said, “Okay” with little to no emotion, and tone that was dangerously close to apathy. The conversation that followed went like this:

Antonio:  “You’re getting a bit complacent, aren’t you.”

Me:  “I… I don’t think complacent is the right word.”

Antonio:  “And what do you think is the right word?”

Me:  “…I don’t know.”

Antonio:  “Hmmm…”

Now, granted, I can’t convey his tone (or mine) there but… I was scared.  And he was like a bird of prey or something.  Above me, out of reach, circling…

*shudder*

I came damn close to being in t-r-o-u-b-l-e, I can tell.  I was THISCLOSE to having Antonio go all Scary-Dom on me. 

Like I said – I’m an asshat.

I don’t know why I’m letting things get to me right now.  I know it has to stop, though.

I got an email today, from Antonio, before he went out to dinner with friends.  It ended with these five words:

Cheer up – I love you.

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t over-think that.  I over-think everything.  Sometimes (most times) it’s a curse.  But tonight I’m making it a blessing.

Cheer up.  That can be an order, right?  So I’m going to cheer up.  This is not the type of order that can always work.  Like the order to “go to sleep” cannot, no matter how hard I try, be fulfilled instantly.  It’s physically impossible for me to go to sleep instantly.  And I can’t alter my mood completely and drastically at a whim.

But, dammit, I can TRY.  I can TRY to look at that as an order and I can TRY to follow it.  Can can can.

And he loves me.  Honestly, is there something ELSE I need to be happy right now?  No.  No there isn’t. 

There is no major tragedy in my life at the moment preventing my happiness, there is nothing facing me I can’t tackle, accept, or do.  Nothing.  I mean, if a family member had just passed away and Antonio said to me “Cheer up – I love you” I’d probably… Well, hell, I’d probably go into a coma, and then when I woke up after a week or so, I’d have him handed over to the authorities to be evaluated to see if he’d been body-snatched by aliens… But yanno.  He loves me, and when I say “That is all I need” I mean it with every fiber of my being.  My family is safe and secure, my Man is safe and secure, so his love is all I need to be happy.

He’s so patient with me sometimes.  (Sometimes, not so much.)  But with this mood that gripped me, he’s been patient.  Strict and unyielding, sure.   But he didn’t overreact, or over-control anything out of frustration with me.  He got harsh when I got mouthy, but he never stooped to my level, or rose to my bait.  He never does because he’s so damn good at staying level.  Rock-solid, that man is…  Totally rock-solid.  I am incredibly, indescribably lucky.   

So cheer up, Chloe – he loves you.

(p.s – I’mma make those granola bars again tomorrow since I’ve sent the others with my brother to his work. And I’ll take pictures of the process, and do a pictorial post about making them, for miss Kaya.  I always love her picture-recipe posts, and I’m going to respond in kind.)

I’ve been scarce.

I’ve been reading your blogs, but I haven’t been able to comment because everything in me is negative right now.

…I read the daily life posts and think: “No one wants to hear from ME. I’m useless, and people are posting about their lives hoping to hear from their ACTUAL friends.”

…I read the funny posts and think: “I am not funny. Why can’t I be funny? God dammit, I hate everything.”

…I read the thought-provoking posts and think: “What the hell is everyone talking about, this was not thought-provoking. This was obvious. Since when is ‘obvious’ the new ‘omg’?”

*facepalm*

I annoy even myself sometimes.  (Okay, fine, a lot of times.)

If I were a horse, and if mental despair manifested as physical ailment… I’d have been shot and put out of my misery a couple days ago. I am THAT lame.

I just got my period today. So I’m hoping the massive depression lifts soon. The closest I’ve come to elated was when I nearly got in a car accident this morning. The elation faded, as soon as it hit me that I hadn’t gotten in the accident, and was still alive.

*sigh*

I am a giant ball of sulk and I just… I dunno how to fix it. So I’m doing things that calm me down and make me feel useful. I’m making a chart to monitor the three medications, two supplements, twice-weekly baths, monthly heartworm and Frontline, and vet appointments my doggie has. She’s a love, and she’s in GREAT shape for her age. It’s just that her age is 16 and she’s an O-L-D lady.

(Btw, Impy, guess what? They put my doggie on tramadol for joint pain.  Tramadol!  So I thought about you in the vet’s! I had no idea they give it to doggies too.  The vet looked at me funny when I practically shouted at him “HEY!  People take that too!  It’s a non-narcotic analgesic!” You know, as if he didn’t KNOW what it was or anything.)

I’m also making granola bars. I can’t eat them with my tongue, still healing, but they smell amazing, and I’m hoping they’re good. If my taste-testers like ‘em, and if they are actually cheaper than buying commercial ones (I know they are healthier), and if anyone wants… I’ll put up the recipe I used.

For now, I’m going to go suck back ibuprofen, drink tea, make charts, and be sulky.

Over and out.