So, quick business to discuss first:  VFFF is updated – two day’s worth.  Go me!  I have had pretty breakfasts the past two days, so I recommend clicking the tab.  Doooo it, you know you want to!

Second, per my last post. It turns out I am not yet up to sharing.  I wanted to be.  I almost convinced myself I was. 

But then I started writing.

And writing.

And writing.

And instead of posting here, I sent it to The Man.  To me, that was an obvious move.  I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea of talking about him or my relationship (especially the not-so-awesome parts) here BEFORE I talk to him fully about it, and work through it with him.

It’s not that I don’t share the not-so-awesome parts.  I have, I do, and I will.  It’s just that there is a difference between airing dirty laundry while the emotions are still running high and sharing with you guys an experience he and I dealt with (or are currently dealing with), together.  It would be weird (for me, at least) to ONLY post when things are 100% settled.  Hell, I’d never post.  But it’s also weird to post when things are 100% up in the air.  I need the middle ground before I can come talk here, I guess.

This blog reads more like letters I would write to friends than (as Antonio put it tonight) a reality show.  All the information is the same, it’s just not as “omg, teh!drama” as it could be… As some blogs actually are. 

I don’t know if that makes this a less desirable place to read or not… I hope not, but the culture we live in is all shock and gore and instant updates and dirty secrets and exhibitionism.  And while I want, desperately, to connect on a real and honest level – I don’t think I have to do it in a classless, immature way.

(And I’m not saying any of you guys I feel close to do.  You don’t.  Some people do, but.. You won’t see me talking to them or about them personally, I bet.)

I just don’t think I could POSSIBLY use this place to talk about the man I love if he hasn’t heard from me, personally, all the information I’m putting forth and been given a chance to respond.  He is my focus, and I will always give him the opportunity to respond to and discuss our relationship issues before I give the blogging world an opportunity to respond and discuss our relationship issues.

Now.  To be absolutely CLEAR.  I don’t think anyone who mentioned that I’ve been tight-lipped recently was trying to say I needed to post the details of something I’m  not ready to talk about.  I don’t think the dear dk or Impy were salivating at the thought of gossip or anything.  Not even close.   I know they just want to know about my relationship, precisely as I want to know about theirs, so not in a salacious-gossip way.

It was simply that when it was said that I hadn’t been talking about Antonio, or my relationship I thought, “Yep, they’re right.  I need to talk about stuff!”  And it just turned out, as I completed my writing, that the person I needed to talk to was him.

So I did.  And, when I asked about posting, he said, “Tell them you have things to work out in your relationship and the place for that is between you and I.” 

And that’s the truth, that’s the state of it.  I’ve poured out a lot of things to him (I initially intended it for HERE, so it was actually written in blog-form so I wrote to him things like, “I’m wondering why he did…” and then sent it right off to him, referring to him in third person rather than second!)

Btw, I’m really not keeping anything from you like, “Omg, I’m pregnant and he wants me to abort the child!”  Cross my heart.

It’s just… I knew, even when I was writing about stuff that was in my head, in blog-form, that it wasn’t going up here.  Even as I emailed him and said “this is the unabridged version, maybe if you say it’s okay, I’ll post a less-rambling version on the blog” that it wasn’t going here. I just knew.

Because  I’ve seen people take the route of talking to their blog rather than their partner.  I’ve seen it become habit, and I’ve seen it dig holes in relationships when your blog is the primary “person” you talk to about the fears and pain, problems and concerns, hopes and wishes, confessions and needs in a relationship.  It’s not fair to either party in the relationship and some of that damage can’t ever be undone.  It’s a massively dysfunctional habit to get into, in my opinion. 

In fairness, this IS a blog about a person who is in a relationship – me.  And I came to this corner of the internet saying, “Hey, I’m going to talk about me and my relationship.  So please read!”  And I don’t intend to stop doing that or anything.  It’s just been a hard few months, and the timing right now is such that Antonio and I have things to work out between us, and our communication is suffering greatly.

And it’s a physical, logistical issue with communication, not a psychological barrier.  He’s been visiting his son, then drove home for the holidays, and now he’s working for two weeks out of a hotel room with no internet and he broke his cell phone.  So, it’s tough as hell for him to contact me in ANY way.  And I’ve poured thousands of words out at him he has to respond to. 

So, basically, he’s probably going to have to copy the emails and dump them in Word… Compose responses on his laptop when he can, and then send off replies when he can drag his work-weary self to a place with Wi-Fi.  And then I’ll have follow-up questions and comments and rambling, I’m sure (be shocked, I dare you!) and then… Well… In short?  It could take a while.

So, I guess all I wanted to say is… Stay tuned, please!  I’m still here, I’m still talking… Just maybe not entirely relationship-centric at the moment.  I’d rather be quiet about that stuff than dishonest with you about it, yanno? 

And BIG thanks to everyone who has been wondering and especially dk for saying it out loud, and Impy for seconding her, sorta. It’s actually deeply comforting for me to know that you guys can tell when I’m avoiding something.  It means you know me.  And I like that.  A lot.

So.  DK asked:

I would like to know more about you and Antonio. Outside of this past visit, he seems glaringly absent from most of your posts. I want to hear more about your feelings about this relationship; the good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what I want to hear about.

She’s added to clarify, at my request: 

It *feels* to me like you’ve been filtering what you write here regarding Antonio over yes, the last several months. Like you don’t want to open that can of worms. And that is of course your right; it’s your blog. But, you asked!

I had asked if she meant ALL my posts ever, or just recently.  If she’d said all my posts ever, I would have scratched my head and said “Buh?”

However, she said recently. So I’ll say this:  She’s right.

And I’ve got a two-post marathon of over two thousand words detailing WHY.  However, I’m sending it along to Antonio first, because I’m uncomfortable talking about him at such great length without giving him a heads-up and the opportunity to veto stuff.   This is just to say I’m not avoiding the question, it will be answered soon, somehow!  

(And I’ve got pictures for VFFF from yesterday and I’m taking them today.  It’s just such a pain in the ass to post ‘em so I’ll do yesterday AND today at once, tonight.  Okay?  Okay.)

I’ve been quiet/absent for a while.  I’ve just been hangin’ out, you know, chillin’ like a villain, yo.

*throws gang symbols*

Okay, fine, that’s not true.  (The villain part, at least.  But I AM ghetto-fabulous, and I can totally throw gang symbols.  Werd.)

Basically, I’ve been struggling with… Everything. First, my computer shat the bed for a few days.  And, in awesomer news, I’m currently under FOUR punishments, layered neatly on top of one another.

1. I can’t bake. For anyone, period. (Sulking over this, because I wanted to do a granola bar post.)
2. My daily schedule has to be 500 words long, even when I have nothing to say. (My schedule has always been my one place to vent, to pick and choose my words to my liking, to express without fear or restraint or  rules.  It was my safe place.  Now it’s not.  It’s under regulation. And the pain of knowing this  lingers like a deep bruise.)
3. I haven’t spoken a word, outside of email and text, to Antonio for sixty-nine hours.  (He said this was a “48-hour” punishment, btw.  Just sayin’.)
4. I’m not allowed to ask a co-worker if she can switch one shift a week with me for the rest of the summer.

That last one sounds small, but trust me, it’s HUGE to me.  It essentially means I won’t be able to see my friends and family in normal social situations.  And then I’ll move 1,000 miles away from them. For good.

I’m struggling with this one, big time.  I have my own beliefs on the severity of our miscommunication (my crime) vs. the severity of the punishment.  They don’t mesh with Antonio’s, obviously.

And since he wears he Master hat, he gets to be right, no matter what.

And I know.  It’s what I signed up for.  I know that.

I WANT -so badly- to accept this punishment with grace.  I do I do I do.

But that want isn’t quite holding back the trickles of resentment, the “but, but, he’s WRONG” feelings, or the hot tears that spring to my eyes every time I think of leaving my family and the 26 years I have spent knowing no matter how far I traveled – they were my home…

I am desperately, soul-achingly sad about this.

I mean, I have lived in several cities and towns in several states.  It’s not like I never left.  But this was always HOME to me.  And for the first time ever, it won’t be anymore.  I won’t ever go back here, except to “visit” and…It’s such a big step forward, and I’m so happy to be making it and making it permanently.

BUT… I want the switch so much – I want to spend one night a week with my loved ones here at “home” before this is no longer my home.  I can’t seem to come to peace with not being allowed to find out if my work will let me switch the nights over my own stupidity and a simple miscommunication.

That is my punishment – I have to maintain the schedule I have now until I move.  And I’m going to admit to you all right now, I don’t have a goddamn clue how to TRULY be at peace with it because it feels (not saying it IS – just that it FEELS) wildly unfair, and incredibly painful.

I do know, however, that Antonio is the most important thing in my life – past, present, and future.  He matters more than everyone, everything, and everywhere else – combined.  And while I don’t know how to be at peace with this punishment, how to accept it with grace, I do know I WILL figure it out.  Because I will not fail him.