I’m not eating all that much right now. I “eat” mostly organic protein drinks, soy milk, and portions of plain chicken or shrimp. Why? I need to lose weight, and until I see a doctor (May 1st) who can help me understand what my various eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over eating, and orthorexia) have done to my metabolism, and test me for thyroid issues, and refer me to a nutritionist, I really can’t eat like a normal person or I gain weight at an insane rate…

Now, I’m not saying that to launch into a sob story. I’m just saying when I don’t eat much, I love to cook even more than usual. LOVE it. And tonight is one of the last nights for a while I can cook for my brother. He’s having his wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and I’ll be gone tomorrow night, and he’ll be working late Thursday.

So I made him dinner. Roasted beef tenderloin steaks with roasted shallots and a beef broth and port wine reduction, and herb-coated roasted potatoes. (I’ll offer him a salad too, but he might be too busy eating Man Food to bother with vegetables.)

It smells amazing, I feel like such a “real” cook, and there is just something about cooking good food with a lot of care and effort and love that makes me so happy. It is so satisfying about feeding and nourishing someone you love. I reap great personal rewards from being the source by which my loved ones can meet this basic human need.

I don’t really know why, I just do.

And I take pleasure in the art and the skills I have honed over time. I used to be a terrible cook. Utterly terrible. But I’ve gotten so much better (hell, I cooked the tenderloin steaks, shallots, potatoes, and the reduction in a perfect sequence so they are all going to be ready at the right time. I know, it’s not rocket science, but I love how effortless that has become for me.) And I am so determined to master many more styles and types of cooking.

But the overwhelming feeling I’m having right now? The one that trumps all others, and has been an obsessive thought for the entire night?

I wish I were cooking this for Antonio.

In related news: Long distance sucks.

As of posting, I’ll be with him again in 43 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes and 9 seconds. And when I’m with him, I’ll have 6 days and 45 minutes to just drink him in. Well, slightly less, because I’ll have to leave him to go through security at the airport…

(Not that I’m counting or anything…)

God dammit, I miss him. It just aches. I ache.

This wasn’t meant to be depressing or anything, it’s just a bit of musing. And… I guess a small plea. To everyone who has any sort of long-distance elements of their relationship, got any tips for handling it?  Like, good ones?

Because, more than just missing him, I find myself being a mild bitchface (at the time, it’s always “about” other things), to the point where I actually go silent and ruin time we do have together to talk. I curse myself over it afterwards like you wouldn’t believe (or, actually, I’m sure some of you would). I just WANT him and his attention and the littlest things make me so touchy, and that desperation for HIM and longing for HIM makes me such a moron…

Ergh. Grrrr. Argh. *other pirate noises*

Help meeeee.

My brain has ceased working. No, seriously. I woke up this morning, and everything seemed normal… But when I went to read an email Antonio had sent, I couldn’t do it. I can’t even reread this, so, try to bear with me. I literally cannot concentrate enough to read more than a sentence or two at a time. And even then, I can’t make much sense of things.

I decided, for the reason above (and because Antonio said I am due for something a little breezier in here), to post about cookies.  This might not be what he meant, but… Well, if not, clearly it’s his own fault for going to work on his truck and a friend’s car today, and hence not being around to tell me I can’t post this.  Right?  Right.

I think I made sugar cookies when I was little. But I’ve never made them as an adult. So, the other day, I decided to remedy that. Apparently, I’m stunted to the point where I can’t actually make sugar cookies LIKE an adult, I just happen to exist in an adult body while I make them.

See, I got it in my head I needed to decorate them, so I made icing, got sprinkles and colored sugar, a palette knife, tweezers (yes, tweezers), wax paper, and probably a lot of other things my fried cranium can’t recall at the moment, and I went to work.  Er, play.  Work?  Whatever.  I’m a two-year-old.

(I also decorated a few cupcakes that were, up to that point, rather pretty in a simple, mature sort of way.)

My younger brother (23, with a formal education in art, mind you) decided to “help” me. He basically ate cookies and made a mockery of the whole process while having me watch YouTube videos on his iPhone like this.  (That insanity is a whole topic unto itself, I’m sure.) Oh, and he did make a couple cookies.  I even photographed one.  

While I go clean more of the GIANT mess I made of the dining room table, I’ll leave it to you to guess which cookie was my brother’s.

(Click for big on any of them.  And forgive the craptacular quality on some of them.  I SUCK at automatic digital cameras.)

(*whispers* This one —->) 

I got myself a letter from lalana.

Here’s the game:
You leave a comment (asking for a letter) on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on. 

My letter is M. (lalana went easy on me!) I will attempt to refrain from saying “Master’s ______” for every spot, but I make no guarantees.

1. Master (Obvious choice, I know. But if you ask me about things I love, he is number one. Everything else is going in no particular order.  But Master gets the top spot, for always and in all ways.)

2. Masochism (Or, wait. Maybe I hate it. Hrm… I never can tell.)

3. Marriage (I really, really want to get married. REALLY. Gimmie.)

4. Mmmmm (Okay, okay. It’s not a word or an object or a person or even an idea. It’s a sound. But I love it when it comes out of my Master.)

5. Manic Street Preachers/Mogwai/Morrissey/Muse – MUSIC! (I don’t know where I’d be without it. Everything from the music my parents played, to my embarrassing taste in music in jr. high school, to just listening to my brother play his guitar. Music is amazing.)

6. Midnight (This is my clever way of saying I’m not a morning person. I prefer the late hours to the early ones. BY FAR. I love the dark and the stars and the ability for midnight to be calm and alone, or frenzied and amazing.)

7. Mercy (I’ve needed it, much more than I can express. I’ve gotten it, and it’s more than I deserve.)

8. March (My birthday is in March, and my birthday is something I have only recently learned to love.)

9. Master’s Scent (This is cheating with the “M” thing. I know it is. I just fail to care. There is something about the way he smells… It’s intoxicating. I can smell him everywhere, and no one else seems to be able to smell him like I do. It’s like his scent was made specifically for me to experience, and it shines stronger than anything else. If he holds a piece of Tupperware? I can smell him on it. I absolutely fucking LOVE the way he smells.)

10. Me (Okay, fine. This one isn’t 100% true.  But I know I’m getting there, and I know the man responsible for it.)

On a random note…

Guess who started boilermaker tailgate chili at stupid o’clock in the morning today…

Guess who was busy last night cutting up all the ingredients so it would be ready to dump in the crock pot this morning, and got fucking capsaicin from the jalapeños on two of her fingers and her cheek and was in miserable, burny, can’t-wash-it-off, won’t-go-away pain…

Guess who immediately thought to herself “Hmmm, I bet this could be put to use elsewhere!” and had to quell a strong desire to test the effects of capsaicin on more sensitive skin…

Wait…

WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME?!?

It totally wasn’t me.

Pffft.

…

…

(But really.  Has anyone tried that?  Is it as horrible/awesome as I’m thinking it would be?  Someone needs to share.  Or someone needs to “let it slip” to their Master they omg-so-wanna-try-it, and THEN share.  It’s in the name of science, people.  Or, well, okay, it’s not.  But whatever, it sounded good. Science FTW!)

Kaya has inspired me to post recipes. 

I love cooking and baking.  (This is a very, very good thing, because if baked goods were a living creature, I swear Antonio would be having an affair.)

And, just because I make no sense, I’m going to start with a recipe I’ve never made for him!  Heh.  Anyway, I love it and it’s one of my favorite Christmas cookie recipes.

Mrs. Claus’s Mints

Ingredients:

¾ c butter

1 ½ c packed brown sugar

2 Tbs water

2 c chocolate chips

2 eggs

2 ½ c flour

1 ½ tsp baking soda

¼ tsp salt

2 packages Andes Mints

Prep:

(This dough needs to chill for a while before it’s used.  So there’s no need to preheat the oven while you’re mixing or anything – do it right before you’re going to bake.  When you’re ready, set your oven to 350°.)

• Melt the chocolate chips and set them aside to cool. 
• Unwrap all the Goddamn mints.  And cut them in half.  (This takes a while.)
• Line cookie sheets with parchment paper or tinfoil.  (I use parchment paper, my mother uses tinfoil.  Works fine either way.)

Directions:

1. Cream the butter, sugar and water.
2. Add melted chocolate and mix thoroughly, then beat in eggs. 
3. Add dry ingredients (flour, baking soda, and salt)
4. CHILL THE DOUGH.  I cannot emphasize this enough. Go ahead and let it chill overnight, if you want to be safe.  Cookies will spread really thin if the dough isn’t chilled enough.  In fact, when you are making each batch, break off a chunk of dough  and return the rest to the fridge.  Really.  CHILLED DOUGH.
5. Roll the dough into ¾ inch or 1 inch balls and place on prepared cookie sheets.
6. Bake 8-10 minutes at 350°.  (Cookies will be puffy and have a cracked appearance.)
7. Place half a mint on each cookie, return cookies to the oven for 30 seconds, then remove and swirl the mint with a toothpick.  Remove from the trays, cool and eat!

A  few random tips/notes: 

• The cookies are WAY prettier if you can find the Andes Mint Parfait Thins… They are the ones that have mint-chocolate-mint layers instead of the regular chocolate-mint-chocolate.  Ooo, look, google to the rescue.  These… Not these.  I mean, the regular ones will work.  They just won’t be as pretty. 
• Use whatever kind of chocolate chips make you happy.  Dark chocolate, semisweet, milk… (I bet you could even use white, though I’ve never done that.)  As long as it’s melted chocolate, it’ll work!
• You can use less/no salt if your butter is salted.  Or, you can be like me and not bother to measure anything that is a teaspoon or less, just pour some in your hand and go “That looks good enough!” and then try to convince yourself that not measuring makes you a “real” chef.
• Also, I’m thinking I’m not alone in looking at cookie recipes and having a tendency to think “dropped by rounded teaspoon” is ridiculous, becasue who the hell eats cookies that small…and then making them much bigger.  Don’t do that with these.  They need to be small or the mint looks stupid on them and they take too long to cook and spread too much.  From a notorious cookie-recipe-alterer, I promise you actually do want just 1 inch balls of dough.