This is something I struggle with, but it’s probably unnecessary. Antonio has told me he is not interested in real strangulation. Squeezing my throat during sex, restricting some blood, some air? Yeah… Throatfucking? Yep… But really choking me and not letting me breathe as play itself? He says no.

I’ll admit, I’m interested too, to a very small degree. The throat squeezing is good for very short periods (I’m talking 10-15 seconds, here. Cardiac arrest can occur in as little as one minute. Sometimes less.) in the middle of a struggle, or right before orgasm.

Thing is, I know even the most MINOR damage to your neck can linger for years. I had surgery on my neck when I was 8 years old. They bruised a tendon in my neck. It’s been nearly 18 years and my face still appears slightly lopsided and, at least once a week, the muscles and tendons in the right side of my neck lock up in extreme pain. Professional surgeons bruised a tendon, and I’ll be messed up for life. Necks are delicate things. So my desire for breath play is sort of… Well, it’s about as hardcore when compared to real breath play as furry handcuffs are when compared to extreme bondage.

The real breath play? Like the kind Kaya posted about here? *wide eyes* Nooooooo. I adore Kaya, I love her blog, and so far, that has been the only thing that actually scared me.  I don’t know how she sat through that without passing out – not from lack of oxygen, but from fear! And as hypocritical as it might sound, I don’t know how her Master did that TO her. I know, I know. I have a man who will do things to me that others would say “Omfg, what a bastard! How can he DO that to her!” I’m just so scared and wary of it, it blows my mind when people aren’t.  But yes, I acknowledge that was a ridiculous reaction to have.

But nowhere in here did I promise not to be ridiculous! Nowhere!

I should say, though, I’m not worried about breath play because I fear Antonio would slack or screw up somehow.  (Nor am I worried that anyone else’s Master would be a dolt about it, not at all.) Antonio is always concerned for my safety. Always. More often than not, he knows WAY better than I do what I need – I mean, duh, or else why would I think he were in a better position to make choices for me than I am? If I thought he were even slightly less than amazing when it comes to how to make me happy and keep me safe, I certainly wouldn’t be in the type of relationship I’m in with him.

So it’s not that I doubt him or his abilities…

It’s that breath play is the one kind of play that doesn’t have ANY safe way to gauge when to stop. So no matter how smart, attentive, and/or in tune with me Antonio is, he can’t possibly know where my physical limits are. I won’t even know. A DOCTOR wouldn’t even know. Even among non-judgmental physicians, this kind of play is considered incredibly (and potentially lethally) dangerous, no matter what preparation or experience you’ve had. It has no buffer zone of safety. And it’s not like a deep cut or a broken bone – you cannot heal the same way from the quick-to-happen and impossible-to-halt brain damage or cardiac arrest or blood clots that can occur with breath play. You just can’t.

Obviously, strangulation is more dangerous than the covering of your mouth. Squeezing the delicate structures in the neck is bad, bad news. There is no real point to going over all the dangers. The main point is that there are NO solid signs to look for that signal of “It’s getting bad, but if you turn back now, you’ll be okay.” None. 

You can stop the play at the first “sign” you think means something, and the damage is already done.  There can be no signs, and then the person is on the floor with an embolism.

No, I’m not chomping at the bit to do something potentially lethal.  But I’m also not remotely comfortable with the idea of us doing something where we had no true control over the situation.  I might not always like it when he’s in control and I’m helpless.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to say I’m okay with a situation where he is NOT in any kind of legitimate control.  There are always risks in certain play, yes.  But they are calculated risks, they are a trade-off.  There is no trade-off here.  Laying your life down for pure chance is not okay play in my eyes.  Basically… I want to do "real" breath play about as much as I want to play Russian Roulette.  It strikes me as that dangerous and risky, with the same KIND of risk, you know?  Not risk within a controlled situation.  Pure risk you cannot temper with time, experience, knowledge, or anything.

And another real issue here, aside from my safety, is what would happen to Antonio if something went wrong that was beyond his control? He could be jailed, for life, and I wouldn’t be around to stop it or say “No, don’t worry, I wanted that. Drop the charges!”

For me, the worst thing on Earth (which I’ve thought about several times while thinking about this particular limit) is to imagine Antonio if he realized he’d accidentally killed me or caused me irrevocable brain damaged. I can’t even begin to explain how that scares and upsets me. So maybe I’m scared of this play more because of what it could do to him, not what it could do to me. Maybe it’s not my place to worry about that.

Or maybe it is. Along with taking care of myself, one of my paramount duties is to make sure my Master is cared for and happy. I doubt accidentally killing me would make him too happy. So this is a limit-like feeling with both of us in mind.

However… It’s not the same as our shared natural limits. It’s something he says he’s not TOO interested in… But, in all honesty? If I were the one in charge, and he wanted us to do it? It’d be an “Allow me introduce you to a whole new world of Fuck No” moment. And that’s just not his mentality.

And clearly, I’m not in charge. And, since Sara left that comment that spurred the slave vs. submissive post, saying my Master respects my limits… I’ve been thinking… As I said in that post, he respects his limits. But mine? Not so much. And thinking about this makes me realize I’m in a really scary situation. I try to have faith that he will wait for the right time to start pushing me on them. But… Still. I’m terrified. I probably don’t need to be. He will do the right things at the right time, and he’ll bend me, but he won’t break me. But knowing I don’t need to be scared has never stopped me before. So, gah.

Hrm.  This last paragraph feels like the most important one in the post.  And it seems choked and tight and full of things I still don’t know how to talk about properly.

At least I tried.  And I will try again.