Master was talking to me about my blogging goals. And if I’m meeting them.

And… I felt I was.

I defended my position and got a little sulky over his questions. He laughed and told me I was freaking over nothing, and not to stress myself out.  If I’m happy with what I’m doing, that’s fine.  He was just checking in.

I was disappointed with my reaction to him, though.  I think it was fine that he asked “Do you think you’re doing X?” and I replied“Yes, and here’s why.”  That was fine, and I don’t think I messed up in answering him or anything. BUT, I didn’t try to consider his point of view fully.  I didn’t stop to think “He wouldn’t be asking if he didn’t see SOMETHING wrong.  Take a minute, think, figure out what you could be doing better.”

I think part of my issue is that I’ve gotten comfortable here, and I haven’t gone out of my way to make my points clear. I’ve just told stories and shared thoughts, answered questions without sharing WHY they are important to me.

I’ve said in my About Chloe page:

Everything I say is colored. Colored by love and devotion, and colored by my belief there is a path leading to harmonious, unbiased, and true acceptance of power exchange relationships. My goal here is to try to find that path. I believe there is a way to talk about and explore power exchange that is welcoming for those who practice it, those who are curious about it, and those who raise eyebrows or even condemn it. If human history has taught us anything, it’s that promoting diversity, acceptance, and equal treatment may be difficult, but it’s always been worth it.

I’m here to talk, to think, and if I’m lucky, to gain a little perspective along the way.

This blog is not just about me sharing stuff with the like-minded. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my like-minded blogging friends. I cannot express how much it means to me to have been welcomed here in my small corner of the BDSM blogging world. (I’d look creeeeepy if I tried to express it.)

You guys make my world a brighter, funnier, better place to be.

But it’s not JUST about me feeling cozy. Well, it wasn’t meant to be that selfish.

My blog is an open invitation for readers to be involved. You can ask harsh questions, difficult questions, off-topic questions – whatever you want. I ADORE when people pose good questions.  You can comment too  – that’s why the comments are open and why these entries are not private so only my Master can read them.

I don’t blog privately because I want you guys here – lurkers, regulars, friends – everyone.  But you don’t have to be an audience.   Some of you already comment, or ask questions, and thank you guys.  Everyone else, feel free to join in.  And, if you don’t want to?  That’s okay too.

Sara is great for questions, for the record. And I think one of the reasons she is great for that (aside from her gorgeous mind) is that she has a different dynamic than I do. I think the fact that she is not 100% like-minded gives us an awesome chance to learn from and about each other, as well as learn about ourselves.

So part of my goal here was to get people who are maybe curious about my lifestyle (or even against it, or doubtful, or think I’ve got some underlying issue and think I’m mistaken, etc.) or people who are against it, to engage in discussion. Not attacks, but discussion.

I guess right now, I’m extending an invitation for everyone to involve themselves as much as they want, so I can address ONE of the parts of my blogging goals that I may be falling short on.

The always amazing Kaya gave me a Friend Award!!!

It included the following pass-it-on paragraph: “These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

I was so ridiculously happy, humbled, and slightly emotional. Thank you, Tess. I have found great comfort, gained much insight, and been given many laughs as a result of reading your blog. I feel I owe you some kind of debt for sharing your time and words with the world at large.

According to the rules, I had to give he award to eight other bloggers who hadn’t already been chosen. Upon reading this, I came to a realization… I am somewhat lame, and don’t know that many bloggers yet. My limited reader is basically full of people who have already gotten the award.  (Rightfully so, I might add.)

*sulk*

But, because it’s me, I’ll take the opportunity to ramble a little about friendships.

In my real life, Antonio is my best friend, hands down. I know, it’s a groan-worthy cliché, but it’s also completely true. He’s everything I have ever wanted in a best friend, except he won’t let me paint his nails. (Hey, nobody’s perfect.)

Aside from The Man, I have a close circle of long-time friends. I chose them early, and I am proud to say I chose them well. Some of us have become separated by long distances over the years, but all of them I’ve known for over a dozen years. I’m only 25.

Then there are my fellow bloggers! I have found some truly amazing people here. It seems a little tacky to name them, so I won’t. I hope they know how much I care about them, their words, their support, and their lives.

These bloggers, particularly the group of (mostly) submissive women I come into contact with, often claim they “make bad friends.” But I don’t think that’s necessarily true.

I think we, as devoted servants, can have less time and freedom to spend on our friendships, yes. But I think the time we do spend on each other becomes more concentrated and powerful and important as a result. There are people I spoke to daily in high school and considered my “friends,” but I was barely bothered when we didn’t keep in touch after graduation. Yet there are people here I have spoken to much less often, over a much shorter period of time, yet I find myself deeply affected by them, their ability to share, and their willingness to get to know me and support me. I have even found myself upset to think I might be disliked.

Now, I am not one to care if someone unimportant to me dislikes me. And if someone I dislike has a problem with me or someone I love? Watch out, because I have no reason to hold back. I do, however, feel bad when someone I care about dislikes me. It hurts, and makes me generally desperate to find out what’s wrong, what I did, and what I can do to make up for it. I’ve had fights before, with other friends, and Antonio has to stop me from groveling, essentially. At this point in my life, I have taken a route of silence when I think I am disliked by someone I want to be friends with. If someone seems to have a problem with me – silently, overtly, loudly, or even cruelly – I make every effort to simply make myself small and quiet. I try to let everything slide, I don’t engage, I don’t force myself upon them. I used to, in answer to my desperation to find out what was wrong. But not anymore.

I wonder, sometimes, if this comes across as cold. Or uncaring. It is quite the opposite. I only do it IF I care. If I didn’t? I’d do whatever I pleased, and not take into consideration how someone felt about me. But if I think someone is negatively affected by interaction with me, I will make an effort to hold myself back from interacting. But still… I wonder if this is the wrong route to take. If it is, I’m unsure what the right one could be.

In any case, the deep connection I feel to some bloggers has become very important to me. I love that I’ve been allowed to have a blog (thank you, Master), and to meet and interact with such incredibly strong, devoted, intelligent, funny, and caring women.

I know some of you will continue to maintain that slaves make bad friends. But you don’t fool me. I think you are wonderful friends.

You are all stars. Shine on.

Something I wrote last time got me thinking. (Yes, that’s right.  I inspire myself.  Nothing to be ashamed of!)

“I guess maybe there’s some Super Secret Sub Club I never got invited to join, where everyone feels special for slinging unnecessary letters, capitals, and dashes in the middle of plural pronouns, but… For me, this blog is not about isolation from the vanilla world, or the world of people involved in BDSM who are not internet savvy. *shrug* That really could be just me, so this could be this is all a lost idea. It could be many people in the lifestyle blog publically, yet specifically don’t want anyone who doesn’t already share their exact point of view or doesn’t already know internet jargon to hear them. I mean, okay, cool. That’s just not me.”

This blog is, in part, a display of my dedication to this lifestyle. And, as I was saying in the last post, I think the practice of messing up English is actually counterproductive when trying to express how very deeply I am committed.  But also, it’s a hindrance to people outside the lifestyle who may be trying to read.

I have many goals. Antonio has many goals for me. None of them involve becoming part of an esoteric group content to alienate the vanilla world. I say that with a bit of an edge, don’t I? I don’t think I mean it quite like that… I just believe pretty strongly in this idea of inclusive blogging.

I believe that one day we (those involved in BDSM, to any degree) will not be the underground freaks a lot of the world thinks we are. And make no mistake, they think we are. Large public gatherings that are about the lifestyle are viewed as spectacles, not demonstrations or marches or parties or anything with a ring of “take me seriously.”  We are viewed as spectacles.

We are on the fringe.  We are in the shadows. We are a bit of a sideshow. Not to everyone, of course. And perhaps it’s gotten better. But in ways, it’s gotten worse. Because with the over-sexualization of the lifestyle on the internet, the promotion of that BDSM agenda, other people have a harder and harder time seeing it as anything MORE than that.

They still see us as a fringe group. But efforts to put ourselves in the public eye have often ended up putting whips and chains in the public eye, not theories on relationship dynamics. The outsiders look at the public face of BDSM and see the frills, the hype, and the sex as our core. To me, collars and leather are not the core of this beautiful life I lead. Love and trust and a matching (and fulfilling) of different needs is the core. But, of course, that’s not what’s glorified. And I admit, folding laundry and cooking and training myself to bite my tongue and finding solace in simple acts is not all that glorious to anyone but me. So here I am. On the fringe.

But the strides some other fringe groups have made in the recent past, such as gay and lesbian community, are very promising. And, from watching their battle, I think there is something to be said for the idea of what I’m going to call “forceful prudence.”

I should just be blunt. It might not be one of my better qualities, but it sure is one I’m good at.

What I’m saying is… For example, in the gay community, the drag queens of the world will not be the ones winning the fight for gay adoption or marriage rights. I’m not saying drag queens are in the wrong, or they SHOULDN’T be allowed to have these rights, nor am I saying all drag queens are gay, etc. etc. etc. Of course not. I’m hoping everyone who reads this can follow my logic without attributing false prejudices to me.  I’m just trying to make a point…

Anyway, the homosexual couples or individuals breaking ground are the ones who say: “Look. This is a relationship preference, not a sexual deviance, or something that negatively colors my daily life in society. I am a normal human who wears normal human clothes and has a normal job. My relationship is based on love and respect and the meeting of needs that forms whole, satisfied people. It is a BIT different than yours, but guess what? I’m still like you! I like the same movies, I read the same books, and I vote in the same elections. I can raise stunning children, and I pick my nose when no one is looking. So relax, and don’t look at me like that when I hold hands with my partner in public. No people, children, or animals were harming in the joining of these hands. I promise.”

It’s the inclusive public behaviors that lead to acceptance, not the strange and unnecessary public behaviors.  Show them what’s the same before you show them what’s different.  Basically…

You want someone to cross a river of difference, judgment, prejudice, and fear? You have to show them the bridge before you worry about showing them the glories of your banks.

I understand there is a fine line between presenting my world with discretion to those who don’t understand it and the idea that I “have” to hide who I really am in order to talk about myself. I get that, I get that distinction. I believe forceful prudence is on the right side of that line.

My goal is to talk about the lifestyle as a whole. Honestly and completely. As such, I’m not for the over-sexualizing, the entirely kink-centric blogs (I’m not saying there isn’t a time and a place for the pure-kink kind of blogs. There is. I’m just not interested. To me, that’s like saying I want to talk about a relationship, and just posting a lot of porn. That’s not a relationship. That’s sex.), and I’m not for sprinkling useless junk like “W/we” everywhere that isolates me instead of promotes me as intelligent and approachable.

I should say… I’m not looking for personal acceptance here. I’m looking for a broader acceptance. That is my overall goal. Will I see it reached? Likely not. But I’m okay with just being on the right side of the struggle, even if I don’t see the outcome.

It’s just that not everyone who blogs about BDSM lifestyles seems to want the lifestyle accepted. Some definitely do. I think some just think they do. But you know what they say about actions and words. And I guess that disappoints me a little. It shouldn’t. There’s no mandate that says people have to serve a purpose higher than themselves. But I’m an imperfect creature, and I admit it bothers me a little.

There are blogs I love, of course. The ones I read tend to be by intelligent people who examine themselves and their lifestyle and how both of those things fit into the world. These bloggers also indulge in silliness and personal stories and they make me smile and laugh just as often as they make me think. They are warm and smart, strong yet vulnerable, and overall – very cool people. And I so badly want to be a part of that energy, that community. I think that’s the community that will be the change they wish to see in the world.

I am terrified when I hear things about kids being taken away, about people being shunned or run out of town, of families torn apart over BDSM. It reminds me a bit of the uphill battle that the gay and lesbian community has been fighting, and in a lot of cases (though, fuck everyone who voted Yes on Prop 8), winning. I think we can win our battle too. I think we deserve to. I think, as with every type of relationship, there are perversions and abuse and people who are bad for each other and possibly just bad for the world. But I think there is so much good here, that this is worth a more accepted position in societal consciousness.

The trouble I see is that the “face” of BDSM today is entirely sexualized. Entirely. It’s about bondage and fetish gear and sex sex sex. I can see why it’d be so hard to swallow for a lot of the rest of the world. I’ve done the google searches and I GET that. I get how it all comes across as freaky porn. I see what a lot of people see when they think “BDSM.”  I see the soundbyte version. I see the nude models in the fetish gear, the chains and the perfect lipstick, the wide, bright eyes, the brutal sex ruling all. I see the public mascots. And they disgust me.

But say I’d grown up in a family with parents who were into BDSM – say my parents’ relationship had been like mine is. They wouldn’t have told me about the sex part, of course, but they operated in a way that was very traditional. Dad was The Boss, and Mom stayed at home and catered to him. Nothing happened without his say-so. And one day, I discovered that not all relationships were like that. Some people, *gasp* didn’t live like that! So I went around looking for descriptions of this lifestyle. And all I found was a bunch of vapid porn stars and pre-fab writing about the joys of gang bangs? I’d be just as disgusted.

So I guess I’m saying I don’t blame people for looking down on BDSM. I choose to blame myself for, thus far in my life, not really giving them anything in BDSM to look up to.  I want to do my part, however small it ends up being, to change that in myself, and maybe help tip the balance just slightly more in the direction I want it to go.  I won’t call it the "right" direction, becuase lord knows I don’t have what it takes (namely, divinity) to pick and chose right and wrong on such a scale… But it’s the direction I want it to go…

Hrm…

This post feels so meandering and vague. I feel like I have so much to say, and my words have all run for cover between my teeth, or all the syllables took detours in my throat and ended up in my sinuses. I feel blocked and unclear.  I know how to present an idea. I just don’t quite know how to make a solid case for putting it into action.

Better get to work, Chlo.

EDITED TO ADD:  I always feel like I’m painfully unclear…  Does anyone else feel the need to qualify half the things they say in order to be clear?  I do.  Anyway… I just wanted to say in likening the struggle of the gay and lesbian community to the struggle of someone wanting BDSM to find a place in the mainstream beyond shock and porn, I wasn’t attempting to liken the struggles THAT tightly.  They have vaslty different goals and issues, different paths that are of different lengths and with different obstacles.

I make no apologies for my choice to remain anonymous, because I believe my reason is a good one. But I really do want to be honest with anyone who takes time out of their life to read my words. Even if honesty means saying, “I’m keeping this from you, and I just wanted you to know that.”

Now, this post could end here.  But, I actually have another point.  I want to explain why. 

Maybe I’ll start with the reasons that are NOT why I’m keeping my real name to myself… 

This has nothing to do with shame.  I am incredibly proud of my life.  I imagine (well, I like to imagine, at least) that most slaves are proud of their service.  I know I am. 

I also do not fear society’s reaction.  When it comes to society vs. my Man, there’s no competition.  Society be dammed.

I don’t fear my family’s reaction, either.  I might be saddened or hurt if they couldn’t accept me or wrote me off, but we’re family and I think we’d pull through.

But the reason is about my family. It’s because I love them.  And while I am entirely willing to have a personal disagreement with any member of my family, I refuse to put any of them in jeopardy.  I took a collar, they didn’t.  And while I will be punished within my relationship, I won’t let them be punished for my relationship.  Period.   

And if they simply didn’t agree with my choices?  Well, that’s not punishment for them, that’s life.  I’m not in the business of protecting their precious sensibilities.

However, I am in the unfortunate position that if my lifestyle were to be made public, I could jeopardize my mother’s entire career.  And, by extension, her source of joy, her financial stability, and her reputation.  And I will NOT do that to her.

She’s not “famous” exactly… Though in some circles I suppose she is.  I just have a hard time not giggling at that.  She’s my MOM, yanno?  But I have to admit, her signature is, more often than not, referred to as an autograph. 

Maybe I have no faith in society and maybe I am paranoid.  But maybe I’m right.  And if I’m right about the effects of exposing myself, then this blog identifying me (and hence, my family) could do a whole hell of a lot more damage than Antonio and I not getting an invite to Thanksgiving next year…  I could really hurt someone.  And I won’t do that.  Call it being scared, call it serving someone else, call it a limit – it is what it is.  And it stands.

I guess part of the reason I started this blog is because I HATE that I think I’m right about society’s reaction and the possibly damage I could do to my family. So I feel the need to voice my ideas, and add them to (what I like to think is a growing) current of voices that aren’t unrealistically sensationalizing this lifestyle, they are merely living it, and proving they are smart, normal, natural people.  I want things to change. 

Because one day (I hope), Antonio and I will be parents.  And I’m thinking many of you have read Catalina’s blog… So you may remember this situation.   Or what hisbliss has been going through with her Master and kids, which she talks about briefly here (and forgive me, bliss, I’m new to your blog and I haven’t read back far enough to know if you’ve blogged about it more completely in the past!  Lemme know and I can link to other things.)  And yeah, I’m scared of that sort of thing too.

I think adding another voice to the chorus of people who are talking about BDSM as a REAL lifestyle (aka, not sensationalizing it as some kind of surreal and brutal porn-a-palooza) is a good move on my part.

(Don’t take that the wrong way.  I’m all for some lovely and raunchy porn.  I’m just wary about what is out there, approaching the mainstream, that will affect how people think, people who could possibly stand in judgment of my family if I was found out…  Thazall.)

For now I just wanted to say that I’m not sorry I made this choice, but I am sorry I HAD to.. 

It’s not even something that really needs explaining online, I suppose… Many people lie or hide their identities.  But I’m BIG on honesty, and it bothers me that I can’t be honest with anyone who might read this about who I am.  A lot.  So I guess this post was more for me.