**** I somehow screwed this ALL up, and posted Part II on TOP of the first part… So now Part I has to be reposted.  And it’s all out of order.  I trust you’re all smart enough to figure this out. ****

So… I’ve more or less settled into my new digs.  I’ve entirely lost my camera.  (It  has been missing for months, but I had it in my head I’d find it when I moved.  No luck.)  One of these days – perhaps one when I actually have extra money – I’ll get a new one.  And take pictures of the cute itty bitty condo.  It’s adorable here.  Small, but functional.  I had a hell of a time figuring out how to fit things in my room since it’s so tiny, but I think I’ve got it figured out.

Right now, I’m gonna catch up on the last of the March Q&A stuff.  Brace yourselves for awesomeness.

I WAS gonna do this yesterday or the day before, because I had traveled to my mother’s house… I figured I’d have all kinds of peace and quiet.  Which I did have, actually.  For two reasons.  One, whoever stayed in her house last lost the TV remote.  And two, her wireless network is secured now, only Mom INSISTS that it’s not and sadly, it turns out I can’t hack the gibson. 

I got some reading done at least.

Anyway… Questions!

From my secret bff, Sanna:

Have you heard of Slik Naturals vegan makeup? Do you use it? If not, what vegan makeup DO you use?

Nope.  Haven’t heard of it!  So no, I don’t use it. As far as which vegan makeup I DO use… I don’t have any yet. 

I know, I know, I should be shot for being as non-girly as I am lately.  But I put on makeup once a month.  If that. I have some old eyeshadows, mascara, and blush.  Thatz it. No, wait, I also have lip glosses. I know I  should replace my makeup every X number of months, but I’m just too cheap to replace something I’ve used twice.  Maybe at some point this year I’ll suck it up and buy more makeup, and then I’ll search around for cruelty-free stuff.  (If you have any great ideas, feel free to share!)

From Biddable:

Wanna come up to Canada and have beers, now that patio weather is on the horizon?

HELL TO THE YES.  I already have a plan, in fact.  I’m going to check out your IP address, hope that will give me a general idea of where you live, then wander around asking strangers if they know where Biddable and Captain Fantastic live.  I don’t know Canada all that well, but I’m confident here in the US it would be a matter of a couple hours before I was detained by police.

Also, I owe you emails and lots of lovin’.  You rock, and I want to make your soup.  (Did that sound borderline dirty to anyone else?  What?  No. Shut up.)

From adriannabella:

Ok have been reading this since January of 2009. Have you ever seriously considered that you will never move with Antonio. That perhaps he is married or otherwise involved? Just a question think about it.

The short answer is “Yes, I have seriously considered it.  But not because he’s married or otherwise involved.”

The slightly-longer answer is this… First, props to you for asking an uncomfortable question.  I’m sure there are many people wondering the same thing, and some of them wouldn’t want to ask.  Yes, I have seriously questioned whether or not Antonio will ever move out of his apartment and get us a place together. I think about it every day.  More and more with each passing day, in fact. His current state of mind doesn’t help. He seems disinterested in me, in life, in connecting with anyone or doing anything forward-moving. It’s distressing on good days, and panic-inducing on bad days.  Sometimes, I feel I’m losing hope.

But I don’t believe he is married, or otherwise involved. There are none of the signs or signals of anything like that.  I’ve been to his apartment (which he shares with two roommates.)  I know it’s his home address because I’ve seen his mail (plus, you know, all of his crap is there)… and it’s VERY clear there is no woman cleaning up his room.  Painfully, horribly, crystal clear. So clear, I really can’t even begin to describe it, guys.  Anyway… There are no restrictions set on me under the guise of slavehood that prevent me from contacting him by cell phone, by his home phone, or from sending him dopey mail in boxes covered in hearts with the return address using “your girl” instead of my name. Everything from how and when he talks to me, to how he’s chucked me on the phone with his friend to throw me off track when I’m gearing up for a good self-indulgent whine fest, to how unprotected his computer and gmail manager are, to the way his apartment is, to the way he eats… Well, they are all the exact opposite of how a man with a hidden girlfriend/wife would act. He’s not hiding anyone else.

(He could be married to a woman in a coma. That’s possible.  Probable even.  In fact, I’m 96% sure that’s the reality. He’s married to a coma patient!  Yay, mystery solved!  He ought to visit her more, though.  He’s never at the hospital. Tsk.)

The reason we wouldn’t move in together would be if he simply doesn’t care about me anymore and has no desire to have me around.  He has lived alone (or with roommates who aren’t involved in his life or his personal space) for a LONG time, and it shows.  I often wonder if he wants to live alone more than he wants to have a fuller life with someone to share it with.  He’s shouted at me over twisting venetian blinds open before because it’s not Exactly What He Would Do If He Were Alone There, and instead of explaining the reason he jumped right to shouting and being offended that I could possibly do something “wrong” in “his” space. (Like I said, it SHOWS that he’s lived alone for a large percentage of his years.)

I know he would like someone around to cook and clean and suck dick.  But on my bad days, I’m not convinced he even likes me enough that the cooking/cleaning/dick-sucking could balance out the need to have “okay, what time do you need the shower so I can plan around that, and when are we going grocery shopping?” conversations and the possibility that he could walk in the house one day and find the lights aren’t turned on precisely the way he wants them, despite never having articulated how it is he wants them turned on…

I know a portion of this is simply a reflection of my inability to think I have any worth, and my despair at being long-distance.  The question is not really if my idiocy is coloring my perception…. It IS coloring my perception.  The question is, by how much?  That, I don’t know.

(Part Two with subtle’s questions posting in a moment!)