I heart wrapping things, for the record…

Anyway, I’ve been relatively quiet here, and for good reason.  I’m STUPIDLY busy.  I’m moving to live with Anne for a while.  One, to get out of my father’s house.  Two, because I know (hope?) I’ll be moving for real soon enough and I have a lot of crap to go through and consolidate and this is a convenient way to force myself to do it.  And three, it cuts four hours off my commuting-to-work time every week.

w00t

I’m also busy with my new second job.  It rocks.  It gives me enough income to not have to freak about money (too much).  And it’s not a job.  It’s the start of a career, which is WAY cooler. 

ANYWAY… I’m busy.  Someone – anyone – feel bad for me.  I have emails I want to respond to, blogs I want to write… And I can’t do any of it because I’m sitting here sorting through CRAP I’ve accumulated and it takes a REALLY long time because I keep having to stop for extended periods of time to marvel over the fact that I own stuff like CDs called “Club Mix ‘97.” 

Honestly, what the hell?  I don’t remember buying it.  I was, what? Fourteen years old in 1997?  What in the Christ was I doing buying crappy (and I mean REALLY crappy) club mix music then?

I wasn’t even drinking or smoking weed regularly at 14.  I have no excuse. 

Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

BUT HEY GUESS WHAT! I found out I own 16 highlighters and 27 Sharpies, for no reason whatsoever.  I told The Man about my collection last night and his reaction was basically, “*sigh* Inordinate amount of office supplies you can’t possibly use? Sounds about right.”

I dunno what his deal is, it’s not like I’m not CRAZY or anything.  He decided to fall down the stairs the other day, so he’s probably just out of his mind from pain.  (Me and my genius brain deduced this when he said, “Knee is fine now, just a little sore if I use it too much.” That sounds like a man who is out-of-his-mind-from-pain, right?  Right.)

BLEH.  I have to be back at work in under 11 hours (and I JUST got home because we had a staff meeting this morning) and I have TONS to do.  I fully intended to come here and only say, “So.  March is winding down.  Get your questions in now, please, and I promise to answer them as soon as I’m settled at Anne’s!”

That plan failed in spectacular fashion because I wanna TALK and I haven’t gotten the opportunity lately.

Okay, I’m really going now… Work to do… Packing to be done…  Crappy CDs to marvel at… Etc.  Ask me questions if you feel so inclined.  I promise to answer them asap.

According to Veronica Daniels (porn name: Joslyn James) this brief excerpt I compiled from her website constitutes a series of text messages sent to her from Tiger Woods on September 29^th of 2009, between the hours of 4:02pm and 5:26pm.

(That website is virtually impossible to get on right now, btw.  Yay internet rush!)

To be fair, I don’t think this woman has the best reputation in terms of being honest and forthright, BUT STILL. 

I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you. Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat. You are my fucking whore.

Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own. Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.

Where do you want to be bitten [undisclosed reply from JJ] Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine.

I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around. For years. And punish you for not seeing me more. I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

We will see how bad you want me. Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy.

So, I want a show of hands. 

Who here knew this side of Tiger Woods?

From kitten:

Vegan Question. What egg replacement do you use for baking?

Since eggs are mostly for binding in the recipes I make, I’ve settled on using flaxmeal and water.  Occasionally some silken tofu or mashed banana, depending on the flavor of the food.  But since I like milled flax seeds on other things (like sprinkled in oatmeal or on salads, even) I keep it handy more often than I have perfectly rip bananas or silken tofu.

At first, I thought I’d be a super-hip vegan and I tried Ener-G egg replacer.  And my word, does that stuff suck ass. 

Everyone asks what folks would do if they had a huge sum of money. What’s your favorite way to spend 25.00?

Used books!!!  Preferably at a yard sale or book sale raising money for something – you know, places where the books are 50 cents or a dollar and I can go home with a crapload of them.

What’s your favorite genre to read?

Literary fiction of all kinds.

And cookbooks. (But only those with pictures. Cookbooks without pictures should be banned.) 

What are the benefits to a long distance M/s relationship?

Honestly, the biggest benefit is the growth in my communication skills AND my shutting-up skills.

Long distance, especially with someone who is not a gab-endlessly-on-the-phone person, means I have to write more. 

And inherently, that means communication is slowed way down… Down to the speed of thinking, composing, typing, re-thinking, and sending rather than the speed that shit can come flying out of my mouth. 

I have seen how things played out when I was forced (because of the distance) to wait a good long time before talking about something that I SWORE I absolutely NEEDED to freak out about, and how GOOD that was for me (and for him, I think).  I gained enough of the “it’ll be fine” peace of mind that lets me bite my tongue a lot more. 

Before I get to uppity, I need to remind everyone (and myself) that learning to shut up is still a bit of a work in progress.  I guess what I’m saying is IN THEORY, I know how beneficial it is, and how I don’t actually need to get my say in order to be understood…

ADDITIONALLY, it can’t be overstated how awesome it is that Antonio physically cannot urinate in my mouth from 1,000 miles away.

Tofutti or Rice Dream or Luna and Larry’s Coconut Bliss? which is your vegan ice cream of choice? Or other…

THIS! 

(Tofutti Cuties are pretty damn good too.  And my local natural market has Rice Dream bars I really want to try.  I just can’t.  Because I’m too fat.  Blah.)

What’s your favorite non-bdsm activity?

I love making greeting cards.  And candles.  And cooking for people. 

I like doing things manage to effectively combine creativity, art, and inspiration with rules, orderliness,  and precision.  I’m a woman of extremes, or so I’ve heard.

From ktby:

How do you handle the long distance obedience? Is it just a will power thing or a mental thing?

Hrmmm…  It’s not really will power. It’s not really conquering myself mentally, either.  I guess it’s just because I don’t have another option.

Looking around at the people I know in real life, and around the blogging community – I think that’s the way it is for most people, no matter what they’re facing.  You don’t know how strong, resilient, dedicated, honest or brave you are until your personal character decides for you that strength, resiliency, dedication, honesty or bravery are your only options.

Sure, not everybody has the strength of character to decide that these are their only options.  Some people face the stresses of life by lying, cheating, stealing, doing drugs, beating their children, or a whole host of other things.   But I think most people have it in them to handle just about anything that comes their way, no matter how trying or terrible.  You just don’t know you have that ability until you find yourself in a situation where having that ability is your only option.

From Lexi:

What’s your favorite app?

Crap, what a hard question.  Apps serve so many purposes, it’s hard to pick just one!  I LOVE CauseWorld…  I love the NPR app…  I also adore Sol Free because I like to play different solitaire games to wind me down before I sleep at work…  I like Flixster, too, for movies…  There are just too many. There is SO much awesome on this phone.

From Biddable:

1. Do you think Sarah Silverman is hilarious or awful?

I’m going to be honest here and say I’ve seen her in two things.  One, commercials for her show (which looked awful) and in the I’m Fucking Matt Damon music video, which I found hilarious.  I have the feeling if I ever watched her do anything other than the Matt Damon video, I’d probably want to disembowel her.  I COULD be wrong, she could be comedic genius.  But I’m guessing not.

2. What’s your favourite song?

Ah, crap.  This is SO hard.  Actually, it’s literally impossible for me.   I cannot pick just one song.  Can’t do it.  Can we pick some genres or songs for certain moods?  Ah, who am I kidding, I wouldn’t even be able to do it then.

3. Do you hate doing laundry?

Nope.  I actually really, really like doing laundry.  It takes, what?  Three minutes to get it started?  The only part of “doing laundry” that requires time and work is the folding.  And I LIKE sitting on a bed, with warm, clean clothes and linens spread around me, smelling wonderful and feeling so soft, and folding everything into neat, perfect piles while I listen to music or watch TV.  It’s awesome.

4. Will you hook me up with some new vegan recipes? Kitchen’s getting a little stale over here.

Oooo, totally.  I’m going to start up another VFFF(F?) (with the last couple of Fs possibly meaning “Foreseeable-Future” instead of “Fortnight”) and I’ll make sure to have recipes for anything that catches your eye, kay?  (Do you like how I’m attempting to coerce you into reading my soon-to-come VFFF instead of just giving you recipes?  I’m rather clever.)

5. Would you rather give up music or television?

Television. 

Music is like food, television is like a drug.  When I worked in Tennessee, as a nanny, the cable company didn’t run cable out that far into the boonies, so we had to get satellite.  It took months, and I never, ever, EVER figured out how to work it anyway.  So I went a LONG time without watching any TV at all.  I was fine, after the initial shock of it.

Music, though?  I might go through phases, listen to some stuff and not other… But overall, it nourishes me in a way TV doesn’t.

6. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

This has something to do with fish, doesn’t it?

From subtle, who is rocking on a whole different level than most people in terms of these questions.  She’s just divine.

1. Do you actually like facial hair on the A-man? (I personally think facial hair looks uberly hot, but I can’t stand the feel!)

I like the look a lot.  I often want to take little scissors and trim teeny bits of hair that are not in place because I’m a wee bit anal like that. 

The feel? I’m fine with it. I like it, actually.  It might be awful if he actually liked kissing and spent any sort of time engaging in in.  He doesn’t, though. Well, he might just not like kissing ME.  I don’t know.  But, in any case, his facial hair is not touching me for long periods of time on a daily basis anyway.  At least not in a manner where the feeling of the facial hair is the dominant sensation.  You know, like, if he decides to bite me, my mental reaction isn’t, “Holy piss, that facial hair itches!” it’s more like, “Do not hit him. DO NOT HIT HIM.”

2. Describe your *ideal* life with the A-man. Master/slave stuff? He works, you don’t? You live in a cell in the basement, he sips cocktails by the pool?

He has a career that isn’t as dangerous as his current job and is lucrative enough that I can just work part-time (if I FEEL like it) from home.  (Homemaker duties take a lot of TIME to do right, yo!)

I’m not into the isolation thing. Small bursts, and I’m talking SMALL?  Sure.  But if I wanted to spend all day with just myself, I’d spend all day with just myself.  I want to spend all day with him. 

So maybe I’d rather he didn’t work.

But I don’t wanna work full time…

I think we just need to win the lottery if I’m going to have an ‘ideal’ situation here. I could probably write a whole series of posts on what I’d do if we won the lottery. 

3. Have you ever had an apple, pear & cinnamon cake with maple cream cheese frosting? ’cause I just made one and it’s divine….

I haven’t.  But I kind of want to try to veganize it now.  I saw your post.  I LOVE cooking posts with pictures.  I really ought to try to do that once a week or something, to show how a part of my VFFF came together.  I think once I move, I’m gonna do both those things – get VFFF back up, and do weekly recipe/photo posts about cooking something.  WOO!

4. Do I really need an iPhone? Is an iMac and an iPod enough of an ‘i’ presence in my life?

That depends.  Is it an iPod touch?  If it’s a touch, I don’t think you need an iPhone – it’ll do LOTS of the same stuff since you can get the apps.  But my iPhone is crucial.  It does everything from store all my convenience cards (for pharmacies and grocery stores and the library – just enter the number and it generates the barcode)… to tell me the name of a song I don’t know (Shazam rocks!)… to let me do vocal google searches… to let me play games when I’m bored… to let me answer my email… to triangulate my position and give me directions… to let me find a recipe for dinner (check out the AllRecipes Dinner Spinner, SO FUN!)… to function as a wireless harddrive so I can Air-share files from my computer…to let me play a check-in game that is free to me that allows users to allocate sponsor-donated money to charities like the Red Cross, planting trees, books for schools, the SPCA, to prevent child abuse…

I could go on for ages. I am in love with my iPhone.  I’m practically having an affair.

(It irritates me somewhat that single-letter abbreviations require apostrophes.  My brain is itching to remove them because they make the letters look possessive.  But I know I shouldn’t; I know it’s correct to leave them there.  Grrr.)

You guys ROCK with the questions.   Feel free to keep them coming.  In the meantime, here are more answers!

From vanillamom:

1 – funnest bdsm thing? Like bondage? tied up tits? clamps on the nips? forced to O until you want to die…and loving it anyway? wax play?

Most FUN?  Hrm… I’m going to go with the elusive Perfect Nipple Pain.  This is not to be confused with Horrible Nipple Pain or Not-Painful-Enough Nipple Pain.

It’s the PERFECT kind, you see.  That shit is awesome.

Incidentally, why does everything hurt way more coming OFF nipples than it does while it’s on?  Removal always seems to be the worst bit, I swear.  What the fuck is that about? 

2 – and on that note, things you’ve not done yet that you’d like to try someday?

This is such a loaded question.  Tsk, nilla, TSK!  You KNOW if I say something freaky here, I’m so going to regret it. I guess something I want to try, so to speak, is going somewhere kink-friendly.  I know that’s not entirely in the spirit of the question, but I really do want to do it.  Like Spankfest.  I really want to go and, you know, pee on kaya shave kaya’s head just hang out and be around other people who are comfortable with the kinky part of this lifestyle.  Maybe get some ideas while we’re at it.

From subtle:

1. Do you enjoy blogging or do you find it a huge pain in the ass most of the time?

Both, I think.

I wish I had something to WRITE about.  I know this probably will partially resolve itself when I’m living with Antonio.  You guys will have to sit through me whining about adjusting to everything, deciding I’m a failure (probably once a month, at least.  Consider this fair warning), and freaking out about various things.  BUT, in exchange, you’ll get to hear about more fun stuff we do together too. 

I will probably SUCK at writing about anything kinky, because it just makes me all weird.  But I’m sure there will be more stories like this one.  (In case you are too lazy to click, that’s the post where I detailed piss-drinking with a side of farting.  Because I’m classy like that.) But even THAT post started out as just a private email, and I was coerced into actually posting.  I was all, “Dude, people don’t want to hear about THAT.  They want all that hot, raunchy, weirdly written stuff.  I mean, right?  Why else would people talk about ‘throbbing members’ and ‘glistening mounds’ and call clits ‘nubs’ and ‘tight bundles of nerves’ and everything seems to be ‘heaving’ and OMG I CANNOT write like that.”

So, uh, anyway…

I wish I were more interesting. 

I wish I weren’t so paranoid that everyone hates me, too.  I will admit I have some uncharitable thoughts about a few bloggers and what a load of obnoxious, redundant, petulant dullards they are, and I’m terrified everyone thinks the same thing about me.

2. Do you like living with people (I’m still scarred from my uni dorm days…)?

I do, for the most part.  I’m not terribly hard to get along with.  And I’ve never made the mistake of rooming with a stranger.  My freshman year of college, I went to a HUGE school.  Well, okay, let’s just be honest here since I’m proud of being a smarty-pants – I went to NYU. (That’s New York University for anyone who didn’t know the acronym.)  I think everyone can figure out I was in New York City when I was 18 years old (freshman year time), due to my accounts of September 11th.  There aren’t that many “HUGE” schools south of 14th street.  So, there you go. I went to NYU.  Bam.

ANYWAY, I knew it was going to be an adventure – and boy, was it.  I wanted my room to be a safe haven.  So I went against the advice of all the well-meaning adults who were all, “Room with a stranger!  That’s the REAL college experience!” and roomed with a girl I had known and gone to school with since I was 7 years old.  Living with Irene was GREAT.  I’m so glad I did that.

Later, I transferred to a different huge university in a different city.  There, I lived alone for a year in university housing.  The following year I lived with Anne in a university apartment.  Then Anne and I lived together off-campus.  We went our separate ways for a while – both working – and then we got a house together for a year.  Separate ways again, and now I’m going to move into her condo.

We have opposite schedules and we respect each other’s time and space.  We go grocery shopping together, like the same wine, never are short of things to talk about, and love each other’s company.  In fact, despite the fact that I’m going to be living with her very shortly, we still feel the need to hang out a lot.  I’m going to see her tonight before work.

Basically, I like living with the people I CHOOSE to live with, and I’ve made wise choices so far.

3. How do you cope with the ’sex droughts’ when you don’t get to see the A-man for ages?

Sex toys do an adequate job when I’m desperate, but really, I just try not to think about it.  It’s hard, trust me, and it’s always worst leading up to time with him and right after. 

For the record, Antonio is NOT HELPFUL AT ALL when it comes to this endeavor of mine.  He seems to view it as a divine calling to try to catch me off guard and sexualize things while I’m doing my best to be zen in non-sexual-thinking mode. 

Case and point – he is away working this week in some godforsaken house in the mountains with no cell reception and no internet.  He caught the net at a restaurant when he and the crew he’s with have gone out to eat, but that’s it. When we were texting the morning he was driving down to the job site, I asked at what point I can assume texts are useless. You know, how long to wait without getting a reply before I can stop texting things (like when I arrive at work and at home) since he can’t get them.

He took that opportunity to reply with “I wish your whore mouth was on my cock right now.”  And I haven’t heard another text from him since – he got out of range.

Like I said, it’s a divine calling.

4. Piece of technology you can’t live without?

My iPhone, no question.

5. What does the A-man look like? Give me a famous person he looks like or some other hint so I can get an image of him when you write about him.

Ooooh!  Good question!

Antonio is about 5’10” tall, and you’d think twice about picking a fight with him. He’s a former Marine and currently works a physical job, so it’s obvious when you look at him that he’s pretty damn strong. 

He can put on a really intense mean face, too, so that adds to his “don’t fuck with me” vibe.  (He had a past girlfriend actually complain about how intimidating he can look.) I think it’s great. 

He’s half Spanish and half Italian, so his skin is always a varying degree of tan.  Always. It looks like caramel, and I am always amazed people don’t try to lick him.

He has facial hair, too.  What the internet refers to as a circle beard.  All the hair on his body is a dark brown/blackish (except for the rouge grey hairs).  He has an odd (odd for his heritage, I suppose) lack of hair on his body.  It’s appreciated – I don’t dig super hairy men. 

And, as I posted before, he has TERRIFYINGLY huge hands. (Evidence here.  When you look at that, keep in mind that my hands are pretty big themselves.  Nothing about me is small, including my hands.  From palm to the tip of my middle finger is about 8”.  And his hands STILL dwarf mine.)

Now… As for the celebrity comparison… That’s tough.  Sometimes I tell people he looks like he could have been an extra on The Sopranos, but that’s not an actual person.  So I’m going with Jimmy Smits.  Not West-Wing-Jimmy-Smits, or Dexter-Jimmy-Smits… Not the proper facial hair in those shows.  The Man is more like Jimmy Smits here, or here.  Mostly that first one – The Man enjoys sunglasses.

For the record, Antonio looks at me like I’m batshit-crazy when I make this comparison.  So he quite possibly looks NOTHING like Mr. Smits and is, in fact, closer to looking like Angelina Jolie than he is to Jimmy Smits.  However, Antonio looks at me like I’m batshit-crazy on a pretty regular basis, so let’s not jump to any conclusions  about my sanity here, okay?  Okay.

And I gotta head off so I can get ready to go see Anne!

HEY SO GUESS WHAT?!

I’m gonna move in with my friend Anne.  Probably by the end of this month.

She’s got a 2-bedroom condo that will put me about a half hour closer to work.  We’ve lived together several times before, too, so we’re the kind of comfortable where you leave the bathroom unlocked while you shower so the other person can pee in the morning.

SWEET.

I’m really excited about this.  REALLY excited.  I’m not as excited that my brother, Harrison, has decided to move to California.  In two weeks.  Somewhat randomly.

But, hey, that’s just how he operates.  He’s an artist.  And, anyway, his industry (the movie industry) is out in that direction.  So I know it’s good for him.  I’m just really close to my bro.  We’re best friends.  Bleh.

ANYWAY…  The reason I can afford to move in with Anne and still save money to move in with The Man eventually is that I’ve got a bit of… Uh… “Side work” goin’ on.  I can’t tell you what it is.

(I’m rather hoping you’re going to assume I’m a drug kingpin, though.  So if you are undecided about what your Chloe-mental-image was going to be for this situation, I urge you to choose “drug kingpin” and fear me evermore.)

I’m hoping with this source of income, and the opportunities it provides (bustin’ caps in asses, etc.) will help me gain a career, rather than just a job.  You know?

And I’m so happy to be living with Anne.  We’ve known each other for about 15 years now, have lived together off and on starting in college, and she’s a vegetarian so it will be a meat-free house.  It’s a cute condo, too, and I’ve helped her do painting and decorating, so I think it will be easy to feel at home there.

But you know what? I’m hoping it doesn’t last long.  I’m hoping I can be living with The Man before 2010 is over. I’m hoping my new job helps.  I’m hoping, hoping, hoping.

If anyone  has any more questions, let ‘em rip.  You have precisely 29,233 minutes and 28 seconds  left before I will refuse to answer any and all questions.  You know me; I’m a hard-ass.

Now that I listed fingerprint classification as something that is one of the least important qualities, suddenly it has become Very Important to know.

Do any of you know OFFHAND which fingerprint classification your SO(s) have?

I have no idea.

I know I have loops.  I have no idea what Antonio has.  It strikes me as the kind of thing you could go 50 years without knowing about your partner.

Now I must know.  I’m going to have to grab a hold of his hand next time I see him, because I think he’ll revel in not telling me if I ask him to look and tell me.

And if I press the matter, he’ll probably tell me he can’t tell me due to matters of national security just to make me sputter and attempt to justify it as a Very Important piece of information. Which I won’t be able to do.  Which is why I’ll need to grab his hand and see for myself in person.

(I think I got through all the current questions.  If there is anything you are dying to know, ask away!  I’ll be updating with New and Fun Things in my life soon, too.)

From DK:

Where do you see yourself a year from now? five? ten? include your job/career, Antonio, where you’re living, hopes, dreams, whatevers.  (Also, from j, “Where do you see yourself in 2 years?”) 

I see all sorts of stuff for myself.  I see myself moved in with Antonio within a year, In two years I see myself actually working on a career rather than a job.  In five years, I see myself married, and not living in the middle of the country – give me a coast or give me death!  In ten years, I see myself panicking over approaching 40.

But, really?  If I think back five years and pretend someone asked me where I saw myself today… Well, I’d have been SURE I would be rotting beneath the ground, a young suicide. 

Hell, I actively tried to make that one a reality and couldn’t manage it.  So what the hell do I know about the future?  Nada mucho, that’s for sure.

My biggest hope is that no matter what happens, my love for life, my tolerance and compassion for all living beings, and my ability to weather storms all stick with me.  I don’t want to be where I was five years ago.  Or ten years ago.  I want to keep WANTING to live.

What do you like to wear? Are you a tomboy or a girly-girl in terms of wardrobe; or somewhere in-between?

I guess somewhere in between? I’m terrible at describing my style!  I like looking pulled together but like I could actually go DO something, not just hang around attempting to look a certain way.

What do you rank as the most important quality or qualities in a guy in a relationship? Least important?

Most important qualities – intelligence, confidence, humor, attraction, loyalty.

These are important because I want to learn from, respect, laugh with, desire, and trust my partner.

(By confidence, I mean an APPROPRIATE level of confidence.  Confidence is laughable when it’s baseless.  By attraction, I mean that certain something that just DRAWS you to a person, not necessarily physical beauty, but presence, I guess.  And by loyalty, I don’t mean “monogamous,” I mean a man who is loyal to his word, his principles, his family – whatever matters to him TRULY matters.  A man with drive, if you will.)

Least important qualities – Whether his fingerprints classify as loops, whorls, or arches… Which leg he puts into his pants first… His feelings about face painting at fairs… His ability to quote Full Metal Jacket… Whether or not he feels 11:11 is an appropriate time to shout “it’s STICK time!” and celebrate by making a wish.

(I realize most people would probably say things like, “skin color” or something.  But to me, that’s not something that happens to be really far down the list of important things.  It’s not on the list at ALL.  There’s a difference.  These things?  They are important.  They’re just… You know, LEAST important. )

From what activity or hobby do you gain the most? What fills you up emotionally the most? What gives back the most? (If this is not clear, please forgive me! Let me know and I will try rewording it) 

My favorite thing, or one of my favorite things, I only got to do for a year.  I volunteered to tutor ESOL (English for Speakers of Other Languages) and spent a year helping people break the language barrier.  What AMAZING people they were.  I’d love to do that again.

There is something else I do currently that I find really rewarding, but I ain’t allowed to mention it here. Hmph.

From impy:

If you could have as many ‘pink’ things as you like in the world, what would your world look like? 

Well.  I wouldn’t bathe in pink, that’s for sure.  I’d accent my life with pink, in really stunning ways.  I’d get pink accents throughout my home and wardrobe.  I’d indulge in a lot of pink nail blushes and lip stains.  And I’d definitely get a pink Cadillac, like Elvis.  That shit was sweeeeeet.

From (not-so)vanillamom:

oh! piercings and/or tats? 

I have eight piercings (three in each of my ear lobes, one in the cartilage of my left ear, and a tongue ring).  I used to have nine piercings, but the second tongue ring didn’t last very long. 

Other piercings will be at Antonio’s discretion. But his first choice (the second tongue ring) was a crappy one, so I dunno if he’ll be going for more any time soon.

I have no tattoos and I’ve never wanted a tattoo.  I really dislike them.  Not in general, just on me. (Well, okay, I hate some tattoos on other people.  You have to wonder what in the hell a few of them were thinking and/or smoking…)

The natural processes of human skin are much more beautiful and interesting to me than pouring ink into it.  Scarring, tanning, stretching, healing, etc. I like the idea of branding and scarification.  If Antonio decided on giving me a brand – I’d want him to do it.  There is no point, in my mind, of representing ownership like that if someone else makes the mark.

From subtle:

Did you google all that trivia about PB or is that just stuff swimming around in your head??If it’s the latter, you’re awesome.

First of all, I’m awesome ANYWAY. Hmph.

Of the twelve things I listed, ten and a half of them were just swimming around my head. (Had no idea about the shaving, YouTube let me know.  And I do buy packets of peanut butter and keep them in my car, but I had no idea they fed kids in starving countries with it.)

Of the ten and a half swimming around my head, I’ve personally done (or had done to me),almost all of them.  (I’ve never had reason to assassinate anyone via a peanut allergy, sadly.)

Everything other than murder and shaving, I’ve pretty much done on a REGULAR basis for myself or for kids I nannied.

From j: 

What is stopping you from moving to be with Antonio?

(I combined these, since they seem to be similar.)

What’s stopping me from moving?  His say-so. 

What’s stopping his say-so?  Money.  (I think. That, or he hates me.)

If Antonio lived alone, I don’t think it would be an issue.  I’d just move in with him.  He doesn’t, though, so moving to be with him requires us getting a new place.  So that’s first, last, security, moving expenses (I’m coming from 1,000 miles away), AND be secure enough that I can look for a job and know I won’t get paid right away. The economy has bitchslapped quite a few people, us included, and it’s just a financial clusterfuck to think about shelling out all kinds of cash right now and giving up my job.  Christ, it makes me nervous just to type it.

The good news is we’re saving money!  I wish we could save faster, but it’s good enough to know we’re saving and not going into the red or just breaking even.

Have you thought of looking for a Dominant closer to You?

Nope.

A Dom might be easy to find nearby, but it’s inconceivable to me to imagine giving up what I have in favor of literally anything else, no matter how geographically convenient it may be.

I’m owned by and am in love with an amazing man.  He didn’t just save my life – he made it worth saving.  (I’m not given to super-cheesy statements, so I hope this doesn’t get skimmed over as sappy bullshit.  I mean it, heart and soul.)  

I don’t consider distance or  inconvenience  to be deal-breakers in a relationship like this one.

If I did, Antonio would be shit out of luck if he ever got paralyzed or were contracted for an overseas job or something. (I should probably start reminding him of that more often.  He’s so lucky.)

Next, from bel:

If U were to change your name what would it be? (First, middle and last name N WHY!)  Hercules J Millionaire.  No, the J won’t stand for anything.  And yes, I know that’s a dude’s name. It’s just so amazing.

If you discovered you were alone on the planet what would you do?  (This sounds like I wake up one day and suddenly I’m the only human… And the day before, everything else was normal.  That’s how I’m interpreting the question, at least. You WILL be sorry you asked, I promise.)

First, I’d gather the arsenal of guns and ammunition in my father’s basement (in case of animal attacks!) I’d take plenty of clothing and blankets, candles, the flashlights that self-charge by being shaken, and a U.S. Atlas.   And because I’m sentimental, some family photos. 

Then I’d leave my house, for good.

I’d get in my car and drive to the city.  Specifically the library.  I’d spend a few hours frantically gathering books concerning: wilderness survival in various climates; turn-of-the-century farming , building, and hunting practices; global wind and weather patterns; and nuclear power plants in the continental U.S.

I’d get out of the city as fast as possible because explosions (from  would be forthcoming.  As soon as I was clear of the major city, I’d loot a grocery store.  I’d cram a stolen car (with lots of room but decent gas mileage!) full of non-perishables and water, as well as various prescription medications – mainly antibiotics, pain killers, and multivitamins. Then I’d go siphon enough  gas into containers to make sure I could go for a LONG time if I hit a rural stretch with no cars!

I’d get somewhere as rural as possible and hunker down to research.  I’d have fewer than 10 days before the nuclear power plants explode (just a regular explosion, not a nuclear one) and radiation will be a BIG problem, moving across large areas on the wind, and drawn down to the ground by rain.  If I got the right books, figured out the plant locations and typical weather patterns, I might be able to avoid the majority of that.

I’d find the safest area according to my research, and I’d make it my business to survive. If there were any Amish communities in a safe area, perhaps there.  They would probably be slightly better equipped households and farms, ready to work without electricity or fancy machinery!

Clearly, I’ve thought about this before.  I like your scenario better than mine.  Usually, I imagine I have some genetic mutation that allows me to survive a plague or zombie apocalypse, so there is a whole lot of danger and rotting corpses to deal with during my escape to a survivable area. 

I’m nothing if not practical, paranoid, and prepared.

5 things you would like to do with (for?) Antonio? 

• Learn massage, so I can give decent ones.
• Get branded.
• Go on a seriously awesome vacation.
• Win the lottery.
• Become thinner, prettier, and more confident.

Chocolate or Fruits? Both.  Together.  And right now.

From subtle:

1. Can you please explain to me the American fascination with peanut butter?   I can try. It’s awesome stuff.  Besides being one of those foods that tastes good with TONS of stuff (everything from melted over ice cream to brownies to celery to stir-fried veggies to toast to apples!), it has many uses too.  

You can use peanut butter to…

• Kill people who are allergic to peanuts.
• Make cookies.  Really, REALLY good cookies. And other desserts.
• In fact, you can sub peanut butter in for butter in nearly every recipe – so go crazy! Try it in your next batch of brownies, or how about a peanut stir fry sauce?  Mmmmm!
• Make pinecone birdfeeders.
• Get gum out of your hair.
• Give your dog medication she would otherwise NOT take, even when put in her food. (On that note, when you need your dog to be SILENT and you have company or something?  Give her an empty jar  – she’ll lick it for ages.)
• Add a tablespoon to a chocolate/banana smoothie and die of happiness.
• Shave!  According to YouTube, it’s cheaper and better than shaving gel.  The oils keep your skin soft, and it gets just as close a shave.  Sweet. 
• Remove sticky crap left by price tags
• Rid your home of any bad cooking smells like burned food or fish – just plop a bit in a hot pan and the  yummy smell of peanut butter will offset the crappy smell!
• Lubricate stuff!  Garbage disposal, lawn mower, whatever needs to be lubed.
• Stick packets of it in your car.  If you have water, you won’t die.  In fact, they use special peanut butter packs to feed starving kids in certain countries because it tastes great and stays fresh for two years.
• (I could do this forever. Peanut butter is THAT awesome.  But I’ll stop now!)

2. If you knew then what did you did now, what would you change?

Just ONE thing.  And I wouldn’t change it until, I dunno, a few months from now.  Everything in my life brought me to where I am now, so I don’t want to mess that up!  But, sometime this year?  I’d win the lottery. Fuck yeah, I would.

3. Ultimate FAIL moment so far of 2010?

Shit.  I can’t think of one.  2010 is young, though, I’m sure there will be plenty.

(Okay, that’s all for today!  DK, I didn’t skip your questions, and j, I didn’t skip the one of yours… I just figured one was similar between the two of you, and I’m gonna combine them for the next installment!)

YAY!  You guys are asking me questions!  YAYAYAYAY!

Here are answers to the most recent crop a few.  (Sorry, I meant to be able to get through them all. But it turns out four hours of slightly inebriated sleep is not quite enough. I’m dragging and I need to nap.)

Greta:  Would you ever consider finishing your VFFF, or better yet, starting a new one?

I would.  I SHOULD.  I want to.  It was fun! 

It was a pain in the ass, too, but still.

I need to locate my camera (it’s been missing for months; I had to borrow my brother’s to shoot most of the VFFF stuff before.)  I could use an extra chunk of motivation to keep myself on track, food-wise.  I’ve kind of been thinking about an excuse to start this up again.  You have provided the perfect one!  Thank you, Greta.

The next batch of questions is from my Itty.  Who lives to make me huff indignantly while suppressing a grin, it seems. (: Luff u <3

1 – do you ever consider using a very small vacuum cleaner to hoover your computer keyboard? Hahahahahaha! You said “hoover.”  You’re so cute and British!

two – have you ever, or would you ever, chuck an alcoholic drink in someone’s face because they’re being retarded?  I haven’t (that I can remember…)  I think I would consider it something of a personal failure if I ever had to, though.  I pride myself on being able to reduce people to tears with only my words.  If I had to throw a drink to make a point, it would mean I failed at making that person want to die with my venomous words alone. 

c – all art is completely useless. discuss.  Tsk.

iv – if you had to choose between chocolate and vanilla for the rest of ever, which would you choose, and why? please give a vast amount of detail.  I’m going to answer this one while answering the previous question. (I’m doing an interpretive dance about the chocolate/vanilla debate, you just can’t see it. It’s really quite good.)

*high-five* – how are you? I’m tired.  VERY tired. I went out last night. Anne took me to dinner, then we met up with Harrison and Jackson and went out for drinks.  Shot names never fail to amuse me, btw… Mainly because they allow me to say things like “I had a dirty girl scout last night.” Now I’m trying to figure a magical way to nap before going in to work.  Magic is necessary because I don’t have a bed. 

Seis – is calvin and hobbes a social commentary, or an excuse for silliness?  WEIRD.  Harrison and I were just talking about Calvin and Hobbes.  We dog-eared so many Calvin and Hobbes collections.  Man, what a great comic.

Oh, anyway, it’s BOTH.  Duh!

Se7en – will you make me a cup of tea?  Of course!  But I don’t have any honey, honey.  I have agave nectar.  Or sugar.  Or, hey, wait, my dad might have honey. Yes, he does.  We’re all set. 

(I can’t believe I actually shouted and asked my father if he had honey.  I’m clearly very, very tired.)