An email from the incomparable M:e reminded me I need to update here. (I’ll be sending an email back too, promise!)
A while back, I wrote that I’d been quiet. Antonio and I were having issues we needed to work out between us.
I haven’t appeared – because I haven’t felt – entirely happy and secure.
And coming to say: “Things are finally better!” doesn’t pack as much punch for you without really being in the middle of it. Which, of course, none of you are. Unless you’re invisible. Or I’ve invented you and you are actually my alternate personalities.
Antonio and I went back and forth a lot, talking and emailing. It involved me whining a bit more than I’m proud of, I’ll admit. It also involved legitimate concerns on my part. About geographic distance, about emotional distance, about the future. And there were legitimate concerns on his part, too, of course.
I said some things that I’m sure were confusing, and he said things that contradicted each other right and left while he tried to find a way of explaining himself and his desires.
It reminded me of a flow chart, actually. If I presented someone with a question like, “What do you to do tonight?” there isn’t actually one answer. There are thirty, and they are dependent on a lot of factors that lie OUTSIDE your actual desires. Like a flow chart, the outcome can be many different things.
We just had to keep talking, inputting, until we could figure out each either/or branch and arrive at the bottom of the chart.
In an outcome top scientists are calling “totally fucking awesome” we’ve arrived at some really kickass conclusions.
After I sent him one loooooong email recently that didn’t involve whining, and instead simply opened myself up… Things starting falling into place. Some of it is karmic, I swear, because it doesn’t register as anything other than luck!
For starters, instead of going to work for months in East Bumfuck, USA, where I would NEVER see him, he’ll be working in a cool city MUCH nearer to me! Like, driving-to-visit-on-weekends closer.
Yeah. I KNOW. I’m so stupidly excited I literally cannot verbalize it.
(Then he detailed goals he has for this time and said, “A good steady regimen of weekend use should help towards those goals,” and then I was stupidly excited and terrified, yanno.)
He’s also going to come out here for some time, in April. That’s the next time I have an empty house.
This is our time, our time to get back on track. We broke the cycle we had going of creating emotional distance between us and not fixing the physical distance, and we’re going to actually BE together.
Which is, in the end, what it’s all about.
Christ, soon enough I may actually have funky and/or hilarious and/or kinky relationship things to write about again. On a regular basis and everything! Holy hell. You guys won’t know what to do with me. 