I can’t sleep! Joy! And I poked my phone and saw I had a comment. So, after reading it, I figured I’d come ramble a bit more… In knowing I’d continue this line of thinking, I didn’t fully flesh out my thoughts in the last post.
This might not be the end of this line of thinking either… I might get tired and have to cap it!
I think I wasn’t entirely clear in the beginning of my comment to dk, either. I said I’d be deliriously happy to HEAR those things. But that’s not quite it… I’d be deliriously happy to BELIEVE those things.
Anyway, Amber posted a really great comment on the last post, which I hope you’ll all go read. Really, go read it. I’ll wait.
Are you being lazy and not reading? You suck. Fine then – it’s about uncompromisingly going after what you want to be fulfilled on a soul-deep level – and I completely agree with that sentiment.
It’s just… In this instance… I should be very clear: I CAN’T go after what I want.
I can’t believe in unconditional ownership… the same way I can’t believe in the Christian God. But, yes, I kinda want to believe in unconditional ownership… the same way I want to believe in Santa Claus.
It just… It doesn’t matter how far and wide I search – it ain’t gonna happen.
Because in the case of unconditional ownership, it’s not that I’ve got the wrong man for the job; I don’t. I’ve got the wrong brain for the belief!
However, there ARE people who believe, wholeheartedly, in these things I cannot believe in. Devoutly religious people believe in an afterlife… Many little children believe in Santa… And some people believe in unconditional ownership.
I’m not trying to undermine their beliefs by saying I’m incapable of sharing them. But I do realize it may sound bad, to the believers, to hear me talk about their faiths this way. I know that, and I’m sorry. I don’t like the idea that my personal feelings could feel that insulting to people… I don’t intend them that way! I just know they might be.
I know many Christians would look at me saying this, FULLY convinced my soul is heading toward eternal damnation unless I’m saved. They believe THEY are right, no matter what, and I’m the one missing out. I’m wrong. I’m not seeing the light. There is an afterlife. There is a God. My soul could be “saved” by finding Jesus… And I can’t convince them otherwise. I won’t try.
I’ve never been told to believe in unconditional ownership either – I’m not shrugging off an assurance I’ve been given by The Man. He’s never claimed to believe in it.
For which I’m overwhelmingly glad, when it comes down to it. I don’t find peace in someone who has delusional thinking. To me, I have to admit, it’s just that; delusional.
In my short time here on Earth, I’ve come to realize I find no TRUE solace in pretty delusions. And believe me, I’ve tried! I prefer reality to fantasy. I may not prefer how it FEELS, and I may not prefer that it leaves me here, unable to think I’ve got anywhere to go after I die, unable to believe that “no matter what” exists in love and life, unable to believe someone in a sleigh is going to bring me presents on Christmas.
But I prefer this reality to a made-up one. Heck, I wouldn’t even need a single human being in my life if my choice is going to be fantasy. I could just close my eyes and invent.
As the brilliant Mr. Sagan said:
I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.
THAT is so… Perfect. That’s what I feel – about an afterlife, and about all other kinds of “wishful thinking.” I think that quote has wide-reaching applications, not just about the afterlife.
There is just something so much DEEPER and more pleasurable in traversing the sometimes torturous and always stunning emotional landscapes of REAL life rather than crafting false, pale imitations in Imagination-Land.
And to me… As much as I’d like to pretend otherwise for the sake of anyone who reads here and differs with me on any opinion… I can’t. It is pure imagination from my point of view.
There are so many beautiful truths in this world, some I know and many I have yet to discover, that I see no need to invent false comfort objects.
Humans and their minds – something I’ve made a personal and formal study of – are fascinating. Specifically, they are fascinating for the level of control their inescapable biological imperatives have, fascinating too in their ability to convince themselves of things, to change, to cope, to learn, etc.
Pretending to know how a human mind and life will evolve, alone or in conjunction with the people around it, strikes me as… well… Insanity.
People don’t know the future in a “forever and for always” kind of way. Life is too complex, to malleable, too unforeseeable.
In fact, it’s the lack of knowing what the future holds that has me right here, typing. Because you better believe if I had a fucking CLUE, you can bet your ass I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be cleaning up in Vegas.
I think… I think it boils down to this, for me. The humans currently experiencing the phenomenon that is “life” are simply not in as much control as they would like to pretend. And boy, do they like to pretend.
FOR THE RECORD… I’m not immune to this desire to pretend. Hell no! I live like I have a tomorrow and that my tomorrow will be much like today. And I live in a way that assumes my next week and next month will be too. I GET that it’s comforting because I DO it too! It’s just… It doesn’t make it solid. It doesn’t make it real. It doesn’t make it anything more than wishful thinking on my part. I choose to recognize that.
I think I could (and NEED to) do more to cherish what I have, by way of realizing that “forever” and “no matter what” simply do NOT exist. In fact, the person who has made me want to work on that is the amazing M:e who has spoken, far more eloquently than I ever could, about how you never, ever, EVER know what tomorrow holds.
(More later, I imagine. I shall try for bed again now, though. Probably some emails are in order too!)
Boo. Guess who?
I’m baaack.
I promise to catch up on all the posts I’ve missed in the next few days. But I just wanted to let you know I am still here and will be blogging again from the morning.
xox
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Really, REALLY back? Because…. Because…. You can’t tease me like that! I keep seeing random, rogue posts from you, and hoping they signal a return. And they DON’T and it’s SAD and you have to PROMISE to REALLY come back or I WILL talk in ALLCAPS (not just, like, 40% ALLCAPS as I am here) and you will NEVER hear the end of it!
Okay? Okay. Good. See you soon. *grins*
Reply
I don’t play with Christians. I work for them, but I don’t play with them. Probably a character flaw … so sue me.
I also don’t buy the “unconditionally” owned thingy. AND we do that “always and all ways” mantra with each other.
To aspire is to acknowledge that the aspiration might be out of range and out of reach. I think I’d like us to be for always, and I think He’d like that to be the case. And we are both human. We know there are a thousand potential disasters that could blow our always apart. I know I could walk out the front door. I know He could do likewise. We’ve both done it. It is devastating, and neither of us have ever made it stick for very long, but we’ve walked the walk.
We don’t dwell on it. Doing that has no payback.
swan
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Ha! We say the exact same thing – Always and all ways.
And I love this line, right here: To aspire is to acknowledge that the aspiration might be out of range and out of reach.
That’s absolutely perfectly put, swan.
Reply
So, your dilemma is that you want to be unconditionally owned but you don’t believe in being unconditionally owned? Yes, lol, well, welcome to the paradox of it all.
Two things; one, I don’t believe in being unconditionally owned either; too many variables. Dan and I have a thousand conditions in place and if any of them were broken, either or both of us would no doubt be gone. Dan owns me the way we “own” our cats; if we fuck up badly enough with them, the cats would be outta here and if Dan fucks up badly enough, so am I. *grins*
Second, not everything we want is attainable. My desire to be raped by several huge black men while simultaneously begging for help and climaxing, all at once, is not likely to happen nor do I seriously want it to happen. Although I’ve had many orgasms over the years thinking about it. *beams*
But it would be sad if someone sought to talk me out of my private little racist, socially inappropriate fantasy by pointing out it’s “not real”. Well, of course it isn’t; if it were “real”, I’d be screaming bloody murder.
You can take the topic of what is real and what is not real and intellectualize it all the way to the statement that none of this real, that you and me and the universe itself and all we experience is only an illusion and blah blah blah. And although I can go there with you and grok it, and back in college, we had many such discussions (I weary at the memory) I can’t disprove it, nor can I prove it…such intellectual exercises just annoy the fuck out of me. lol
All I know is this; I’m happy and I’m content when ten years ago, I couldn’t say that, and I made great personal sacrifices to get where I am today. It’s doable, I know, ’cause I’s done it. And I ain’t nobody special, that’s for sure.
Now, back to playing with my LuLu, who, despite any scientific evidence to the contrary, truly is the most Wonderful Thing In The Universe. Even better than my beloved horrible gang-raping black men. Who all look like Dan. Large, Swedish black men with receding hairlines…hmmm, now, THAT’S hard to imagine!
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Heh. I think it’s a little extreme to say if I say, “Sorry, but saying something doesn’t make it true” stretches out to “the universe is an illusion!” but I see your point.
And you’re right – desires don’t have to be attainable. I just like to recognize the difference between something I want and can’t have, and something I want and one day might be able to get.
Like really good vegan cheese. I hear Daiya is amazing. I have yet to try it. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Reply
*nods at Amber’s comment*
Yep. Not everything we want is attainable and not everything we want should be obtained.
I’ve always thought that the whole M/s, D/s, whatever-the-hell-relationship-you-have-that-revolves-around-power-exchange thing, depends on suspension of disbelief.
You stop yourself disbelieving and therefore believe. Like being in a theatre and watching a play, you suspend your disbelief (i.e. that you’re watching actors on the stage) and start believing that the action on the stage is really happening. That’s the only way you can think of yourself as property, the only way there can be unconditional ownership and the only way that you can exist under the will of another in this day and age without really being sold into slavery.
Personally, I just always make a mental note to not think about things too deeply. That way, I can be whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want.
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I keep coming back to this comment and trying to think about it. I’ve just never approached the relationship dynamic from a position of “I must suspend my disbelief in order to believe in this.”
I guess because… Well, the more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing I say, do, or believe in that isn’t TRUE. And the whole suspension of disbelief is specifically for things that are fiction.
I mean… For example. Let’s say I’m about to get a beating. FOR ME, it’s actually much more of a mindfuck and much more interesting and much more of a display of DEEP commitment to him if he says, “You’re going to get the shit beat out of you, and you aren’t going to do anything about it…” rather than “You’re going to get the shit beat out of you, and you can’t do a thing about it.” Because the first statement is true. Second one, not so much… I know, even in the moments leading up to something “illegal” and all that crap, I won’t do a goddamn thing about it. I WON’T. Not that I technially can’t, but that I won’t. I recognize that this slavery thing I’ve got, as much as I want to pretend it’s a one-time choice, is actually a serious of a million choices – choosing to uphold that original choice. I didn’t sell myself into ACTUAL slavery, so I still have the choice to call the police, to pack my shit and move across the country, etc.
In fact, I rather LIKE acknowledging the constant reinforcement of my commitment, rather than attempting to suspend my disbelief and convince myself I don’t have a choice. I like knowing I always choose him.
I guess my particular kink in being owned doesn’t encompass needing to feel certain things. Maybe? I dunno. I’m still not sure. I’ll just have to keep thinking.
Reply
If a slave is unconditionally owned, then what is the incentive to improve, to grow, to follow the rules? What keeps them being ‘good’ if they know that ‘no matter what’, they won’t be released? Being owned unconditionally would be lovely, sure, but I think that that belief (true or not) leads to the person involved taking the situation for granted.
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I think it could, blade. It very well could. It’s by no means certain. But it’s very possibly, and actually likely in a certain percentage of the “slave” population.
People are just like that… I mean, for example: As much as people, in general, like to say they follow moral, societal guidelines because they are right and good things to do, the truth is a lot of people follow them because there is the risk of punishment under the law.
There are still people who will follow a moral path even without the risk of punishment, but the number of people who could CLAIM they’re one of those inherently moral people vs. those that actually ARE? Those are different numbers, you can rest assured!
Reply
I don’t believe a slave needs to have fear of release to keep her striving to be more and more pleasing to the one she serves. For most slaves the knowledge that they’ve displeased their owner is gut wrenching and enough of an incentive to be ‘good’.
Your incentive should be pleasing the one who owns you. Not a bartering tool to remain owned.
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I think we can agree no one’s incentive “should” be anything, except what their Master says it should be, yeah?
In any case, I definitely see your point. I just… I don’t think it’s an Either/Or situation. I think, for example, an Olympic athlete can want to strive to be better and better and better, and can really derive pleasure from beating personal bests and THAT is a great motivator… They can ALSO derive true pleasure knowing, hey, bottom three from this race get eliminated. It makes the pleasure RICHER to know something is actually on the line.
(That’s obviously a very imperfect metaphor since it involves other people in competition with one another, and in the case of a slave, I would assume mostly it is one person living up to one set of standards not dictated by how other people perform.)
I guess, for some people, while they may derive their pleasure from doing something and doing it well, it increases their “high” (so to speak) to know that failure was an option, and they avoided it. So I don’t think it has to be either/or, yanno?
Reply
I agree with Renee.
When a slave does something wrong, they normally do feel a whole load of regrets and is a big enough incentive to behave. Rather than than remaining a slave because you feel like you deserve it… in a bad way. Being a slave is the act of INTENTIONALLY giving up yourself to someone else so that they can dominate you. It must be intentional, not some kind of punishment.
As you as you realise you are no longer interested, you need to tell Antonio
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I get the idea that displeasing a Master is a big enough incentive.
For me, it is too! I HATE when he’s not happy, when he’s angry, when he’s truly upset at me, etc. That’s really all it takes to get me in line, is knowing I’ve fucked up. It’s not because I have a threat hanging over my head.
However, I can’t get my head around giving myself up to someone to dominate me who would claim he’ll take ANYTHING from me, and never say it crosses the line. Sorry, but I signed up to be with a man of power, not a masochist willing to take anything I could ever dish out! That MENTALITY on the part of a dominant partner of “Nothing you do will ever be too much, I promise you now, I will tolerate anything – ANYTHING!” seems like insanity to me.
It’s just my preference, but I TRULY prefer a man who says, “No, actually, if you screw up BIG time? If you go running off and fuck someone else, for example? You’re DONE. I don’t tolerate that, period. I have standards and requirements, and that shit does not measure up.”
I MUCH prefer that rather than a man who would pretend nothing could possibly cross the line. I like decisiveness, I like realism, I like a guy who respects himself enough to say that there are things he simply will not tolerate and will render him without any desire to have me as his anymore. That’s just me, though, and if someone else wants a man who says he WILL tolerate anything? Okay. That’s cool. Everyone should seek his or her happiness, and if that’s where it lies, go get it!
Reply
Hey… You ok?
Reply
yes! I’m really really back. I’ve tried to email you a few times but my email gets all pissy and doesn’t want to send.
I promise I’ll post at least twice a week okay?
Lots of love to you babes
His bliss
xox
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 10:36 am
I’m so glad you’re back. I’ve been loving reading your blog again! Though not loving the wench of an ex your Man has… Damn, it’s people like her who make me want to see some instant karma, yanno? I’m sure you do know. Chin up, and yay for you being back!
Reply
I’m so behind on reading your posts, from back when you went to visit “the Man”…so, i jumped in here…and this comment from you:
“it’s about uncompromisingly going after what you want to be fulfilled on a soul-deep level – and I completely agree with that sentiment. ”
…well that just leapt off the page and into my brain. Like you soldered it there or something. You were one of the hmmm, not naysayers, but …(nilla waves hand in air) i dunno…about my cheating on my wife. Which, btw hasn’t happened yet unless you count “text sex”. My Sir and i talk often text many times and have set two “dates” to get together…and life happened. He had a family emergency, and this weekend, a blizzard. Fuck. or, not fuck as the case may be (wee grin)…
and yet you do believe the statement…to go after what will make you unconditionally happy..?
this makes convoluted sense and may turn out to be a blogpost for me as well. Since I’ve been …joined? by Sir, texting and whatnot, i’ve been happy. Happy as I’ve not been in…forever. I love my kids, my wife, my life. but. i. was…not happy. Everyone in my real life has noticed it. I smile all the time. I look better. Several people have called me beautiful. C’mon??? what??? Sir has called me “gorgeous”…and it’s sticking. You believe it…you are it. And when I argued w/Him about it…thanked him, but demmurred from “that” word…He told me in no uncertain terms that it was His opinion that mattered, and that was that. So…..I’m gorgeous (nilla blushes). The point I’m trying to make is…despite the morals and ethics of this whole mess….i’m happier than i’ve remembered being in forever. Wife and I are …comfortable with each other, i guess is the best summation. We do love each other, share a common history (we were best friends in high school) and know each other. But “in love” hmmmm…not sure.
I am sure about Sir. So sure that I’d do whatever I needed to do to make it work with him. To at least have that one moment when fantasy can become reality. To see if …this is who nilla really is after all these years, all the questions about the darkness inside of me. He is good for me, Chloe. Verrah, verrah good.
hug,
nilla
Reply
Chloe Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I’m so happy you’re happy – truly I am.
I DO believe in uncompromisingly going after what will make you happy and fulfilled on a soul-deep level.
I just believe in doing it with your eyes and heart open, and in a way that you can be proud of. Because I don’t believe that compromising your ethics will lead anyone toward TRUE and LASTING happiness. Temporary happiness? Sure. But not the lasting kind. It’s sad how often people (myself included, you can bet your ass I’m included!) mix the two up. Kind of like drugs. MAN do they feel good! They feel a kind of good you simply can’t get ANY other way. Omg, amazing! But the long-term effect for all that temporary goodness? The ruination of your entire life.
That’s the kind of “going after your happiness” that I worry about. Because it’s not real happiness, it’s not lasting happiness, and the effects of even a single-time drug use can be DEVASTATING. And you can’t go back, no matter how hard you try, to the moment right before you put the needle in your arm. No amount of quitting, detox or rehab will ever make it like it was. Ever.
I guess… Part of the nature of “uncompromising” is being honest with yourself. And you said it right here, “I’d do whatever I needed to do to make it work with him.” If you mean that, and if you know what that means (two different, but equally important things) then I think you ARE on your path to lasting happiness. If you play that worst-case scenario game I talked about in your blog… And you are aware of the possible outcomes, and you are still willing to go after something because it means more to you in terms of your TRUEST happiness than anything else in your life that might get ruined because you went after this thing? Then that’s beautiful! That’s THE thing to go after.
And… I wouldn’t classify myself as a naysayer… More a worrier. While my ethical code would bind me in a different way to my partner, I DO understand the situation some couples find themselves. (Like yours, for example, living as roommates, almost.) It’s not satisfying – it can’t possibly be satisfying to a open, honest, sexual, adventurous, loving creature like yourself. And the question becomes… How deep is the need to be satisfied? Is it worth risking your partnership? Do you fear it would make life unstable for your kids in a damaging way if it blew up in your face, you got found out, your partner left? Etc. Play the worst-case scenario game. Can you handle it, and IS IT STILL WORTH IT? If it is, then you can be even more confident that you are making the right choice. Because if even the worst case scenario is still totally worth it? Then you are chasing something wonderful. Chase long, chase hard, and you have my cheers, hoping you catch it.
Reply