So the other day I commented (without thinking fully, imagine that) on dk’s disobedience post.

She was feeling quite low about being punished – and despite how my comment initially came across, I DO understand that. 

She relayed her Master’s words at one point in the post and said:

“You will never be dumped by me.  You will be fixed by me… corrected by me… purified by me…”

And because of that,  I said in comment this:

See, for me, I’d be deliriously happy to hear all that.

*shrug*

I don’t have the “unconditional ownership” thing. There are no promises of “You will never be dumped by me. You will be fixed by me… corrected by me… purified by me…”

For me, there ARE conditions. I don’t have the categorical certainty that I’m still always his no matter what I do. A lot of times I wish I had that safety net and I wish he’d say those things to me. A lot of other times I think it’s delusional to think that safety net can possibly exist, and I’m glad he doesn’t because they would feel like lies.

Additionally, but unrelated, I really have to go to the bank. Bleh.

Hang in there, kiddo. There hasn’t been an experience yet that’s managed to do anything but make you wiser and happier. Take comfort in that, if you can.

dk replied:

While at first I thought your comment was extremely insensitive and put me off a bit, I can see where you’re coming from. And I am of course thankful that I won’t be dumped for going astray. I will however be subjected to his corrective process which could theoretically be a life sentence of suckfulness if I don’t change my ways. The door swings both ways.

And it made me think…

Obviously (well, I hope it was obvious), I didn’t intend to be insensitive. I was just musing, and perhaps a little selfishly…  I mean… I just can’t help but think it must be nice to feel owned no matter what.

The concept of a slave/submissive having a “no matter what” clause blows my goddamn mind. When I read about it all I can think is omg, I wish I wish I WISH I had that. But I don’t.

You know what it’s like?

It’s like me and a deeply religious (Christian) person standing next to the casket of a loved one.  (A dead woman and a Christian male, for the sake of proper pronouns.)

If that religious person starts talking about his grief, I promise you I DO get it. I know he is hurting incredibly, and I’m NOT trying to downplay that when I say, “But… Take comfort, brother. For you, she’s somewhere safe and she’s watching over you. And one day, you will see her again.”

He believes all he has to do is try hard in life, and even if he messes up, he can just say he’s sorry and God will forgive him. And he lives with the comforting belief that one day, he will see this beloved woman again.

He stands before her body saying “Goodbye for now” while I stand there saying “Goodbye for always” and I simply cannot grasp what it must feel like to have that small comfort in grief.  And I am jealous.

I don’t have that element of peace and in a lot of ways, I wish I did.

And here’s the thing. For both the religious person who believes in God and an afterlife and the slave who believes in no matter what – the outcome truly doesn’t matter.

I’m not debating the reality of God, or the reality of “no matter what.” Both ideas are completely unimportant to this thought process.

The POINT is that for their lifetimes (in the case of the religious people), and for the duration of their relationships (for the slave), those people exist with a level of peace that I don’t have.

And even if it turns out that I’M right. If we all die and there is no afterlife… If that slave’s relationship ends in a disastrous break-up… Or, hell, if THEY’RE right and there is a God, or everyone who says “no matter what” truly means it –  it doesn’t matter, not to this discussion. Because either way, the fact remains that those people lived and experienced things in life with a peace that I never will.

So I’m a little jealous.

And I can’t force myself to believe in something I find inconceivable and irrational. So I know I’m STUCK being jealous.

And you know what?  It makes me pout.  It makes me amazed.  It makes me ask questions.  It makes me wonder.  It makes me see things a little differently than the people who DO believe.  Not that it’s a bad thing… It’s just… Different.

There are potential downsides, I’d wager, to having either of those faiths. Mostly in the form of self-righteous judgment and scorn. That’s not to say they are foregone conclusions. I’ve met plenty of religious people who are not looking down on me and my filthy soul, and I’d bet there are plenty of slaves who believe in “no matter what” who are not thinking they have something better – or even something fundamentally different. (I say “I bet” for the slaves, because I have only ever heard dk talk about that no matter what faith. I’m sure there are others, I just don’t know who they are.  Are they any of you guys?  Share!  Anyway, I’m pretty sure that even though I don’t share that faith with dk, she’s in the camp of not looking down on me. Well, I HOPE she is, at least! *grins*)

The chance to muse on this was awesome.  I’ll continue tomorrow, because I have lots more to talk about.  But I’m sick sick SICK today, so no more tonight (and no VFF pictures taken today and only two from yesterday, taken before sickness set in, which I’m too lazy to post now.  If anyone complains, I WILL post pictures of puke, I swear on everything I hold dear. I will.)

Anyway… Thanks, dk. I’m sorry the discussion came about because I came off sounding a little insensitive in my comment. I didn’t mean to.

I can just be a little childlike and abrupt in my moments of wonder.