I had trouble making myself post this. It’s something I’M having trouble with. It’s personal. But I’m aware it may sound a lot like an accusation because of how huge this is in the lifestyle. It’s not an accusation, truly. My fear it would sound that way has kept me from posting for a while.
But it’s my blog, and I need to get this out. And I trust you’re all smart enough to either say, “Nah, I’m all good with this! Moving on…” or, if it does upset you, you’ll simply reflect on why it bothers you in an honest, level way.
I haven’t worn my collar in months.
Part of me wants it back because ALL of me has one desire – to move out where Antonio is, to live there, to truly be his, and to end this horrific, stagnant limbo I’m in so I can finally, finally, FINALLY move forward in my life. I feel myself slipping back and back and back. Forward movement is a thing of the past. I see moving and my collar as a symbol of finally getting back on track, and I want it.
I just don’t want THIS collar back.
It’s leather, and leather disgusts me.
Leather didn’t always, though. And I must admit that. I didn’t always have a problem with leather. I even worked in a leather store when I was a teenager. I KNEW where leather came from. I did. And I still worked there, wore it, and supported that industry.
But , in truth, I was being willfully ignorant.
I actively chose not to investigate what actually goes into leather production, and I chose not to think about the cows that gave their lives for it. Ignorance and blindness can be selfish and intentional, and mine was.
One of the side effects of being skeptical is my need to research. And at this point, I’ve done too much research to continue supporting the atrocities of the leather industry anymore. I’m not okay with pretending animals are fabric. They’re not. They’re living, breathing, feeling creatures. I know that, and on some level I always knew that. I just chose to ignore it in favor of my own petty wants. I was okay with eating meat and eggs and dairy, and with wearing their skins.
My years of indulgence in willful ignorance… Well, they really upset me. I feel so… So fucking guilty. Who the hell am I to go on about bestiality being wrong, pedophilia being wrong, if I supported such inhumane practices as meat and leather consumption? I’m so angry at myself for that blatant hypocrisy.
Most cows slaughtered for leather come from India or China. They are transported, often injured, packed in small trucks. If, en route to the slaughterhouse, they become too exhausted to stand, chili peppers or tobacco are rubbed in their eyes and their tails are broken to keep them moving. They are often dehorned (packed in that tight, they will fight and injure each other with their horns), never receive veterinary care of any kind, don’t see sunshine or grass, and many have their throats slit and have skinning begin while they are still conscious.
Fuck. No. No no no no no! That sort of stuff make me want to shove my fingers in my ears and squish my eyes shut. I know I can’t act like a child, though. It’s reality. I can ignore it, but that’s not the kind of person I am or want to be.
No amount of desiring something leather will make me okay with that ever again. I feel utterly horrible if I step on my cat’s tail. Why? Because it HURTS her! I know my cat experiences pain. And fear. And these cows, battered and beaten and in pain, are herded closer and closer to death in all manner of pain and fear. My cat gets legitimately scared of the goddamn vacuum. I can’t even imagine the kind of fear and panic those cows endure as they are herded, via incredible pain, toward the stench of blood and the tortured lowing of their fellow cows being slaughtered.
I can’t imagine my lifestyle supporting that cruelty. And, on top of that, supporting it for absolutely NO reason. There is no way for me to justify to myself NEEDING leather. I don’t need it. Are their leather items I want? Sure. But “I wanna” is simply not a good enough reason to support that kind of industry. Leather is not an antibiotic. It is not a surgical procedure. It’s not my paycheck and it’s not my family members. It is not necessary.
And while I might just say, “Well, I already have the collar, I may as well use it,” I just can’t stomach the idea of pressing the dead cow’s skin to my throat again.
The whole thing just depresses me. It’s so shitty to be so disappointed in my moral strength and in myself as a person.
Bleh.
In lieu of posting depressing slaughterhouse pictures I’ve been looking at, I’ll post a cute baby cow. Moo!
I’m with you! Have you seen “Meet your meat” on YT? Don’t watch while eating. *puking sounds*
Reply
Yes, I have! Earthlings as well, an Earthlings was a LARGE part of the reason I became vegan. Both Meet Your Meat and Earthlings were completely necessary for me to watch, as hard as they were. I’m trying to rid myself of all of this childish “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist” crap. It’s a slow process, but it’s been incredibly worth it!
Reply
Personally I have always loved the turian collars,they are lockable and they exude slave lol, they are alot more versatile and can be worn in any situation without the added stress of having a big ol chunk of leather wrapped around one’s neck. Because I have owned dogs for many years the leather one’s remind me of a dog collar and quite frankly I see them as silly. Anyways thats my two cents and I get where you are coming from totally. x
Reply
you are an idiot, stop buying from wherever you do and buy local. A collar is a collar, leater always comes from cows baby or not. Metal is grand as well, but all is industry. (as your “concious” mind knows kills the planet”) So take your pick.
Reply
Is it really the material that you are having problems with?
Methinks it is the thing itself
Reply
It’s wonderful when you hear someone stick by their convictions regardless of how difficult it might be to do so. After all “to thine own self be true” is really the best we can expect of ourselves.
In my case, for the first few years after I became a vegetarian (seems so long ago now), I strictly stayed away from leather, silk, etc. However, I ended up circling back to leather. I don’t wear leather coats or shoes/belts/purses but leather is a big part of my bdsm life and a specific fetish so much of our gear is leather. I searched in vain for a while for some substitute but pleather just wasn’t enough for me.
I finally settled on using humane-sourced leather. It’s an oxymoron because the cow is still killed and skinned but I had to acknowledge that something in my blood sings for the feel of animal skin against my own skin. Such are the curveballs life throws us. C’est la vie. We each can only do what is right for us.
Reply
@ impy – Yeah… I might be leaning toward a metal collar one day. Lockable sounds nice, too.
Though I guess I don’t mind a collar reminding me of a dog collar. I guess that always struck me as the point. Heh.
@ subtle – I’m 100% sure I’m having trouble with both. I’m really wishing I had a collar, had a reason for having it, etc. I’m all sad and stupid about that. But whenever I’ve felt like this and been upset that I don’t have my collar and don’t feel particularly owned, I have always looped my collar around and around my wrist and slept with it like that. And it hit me that I didn’t even want to touch this collar. I got these horrific images in my head from videos of slaughterhouses I’ve seen. The slit throats, the blood everywhere, the thrashing and tortured, painful deaths… It just… That kind of cruelty unhinges me. And the idea of putting the result of that cruelty to my skin made me gag. Stupid veganism, it’s made me research WAY too much. My willful ignorance let me do a LOT more!
@ Chloe – In a tiny way, I think I understand that. I was in LOVE with soy chai from Starbucks. I have not had it since I went vegan, however, because it has honey. And while I KNOW honey is bee vomit, and that the honeybees are dying off at incredible rates, probably largely owing to the horrible way we’ve tried to keep them in mass bee farms and transport them with hundreds of other hives… I mean, I KNOW honeybees actually have it pretty rough. Their every natural pleasure is taken from them, and they are killed in harvesting and it’s just… STUPID. It’s stupid. m And there is a reason the MASS die-off is not affecting the small, organic farms that humanely keep a hive or two of honey. They’re not destroying the bees’ lives. But… Anyway. I want the fucking soy chai. I WANT IT. And I honestly think there may come a day when I can’t call myself vegan because I caved and have decided I need the damn soy chai once in a while! That would be pretty pathetic of me, I admit. It’s just a drink. But still. ‘But I wanna’ is a pretty powerful motivator for humans, myself included. In some cases, like the soy chai, it’s quite a lot of work to keep my morals ahead of my desires.
Reply
@ adriananbella – Buh? I honesty would love to respond to a clever opposing view point, but it sort of sounds like you wrote this drunk and you imagined sections of post that don’t actually exist.
you are an idiot – Often. But I fail to see the relevance here.
stop buying from wherever you do and buy local. – No. Also, this is not a post about consumer trends. One day I might do a post on the pros and cons of buying local (and yes, there are plenty of cons). But, since you seem confused, let me assure you that today is not that day.
A collar is a collar, leater always comes from cows baby or not. – There is so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin. Please direct me to the portion of the post where I seemed confused about where leather came from or implied it came from baby cows. Did you not understand why I posted a picture of a baby cow? Is that why you’re confused? It’s cute, that’s why. I figured people would rather look at a cute baby cow than gruesome slaughterhouse picutres.
Metal is grand as well, but all is industry. (as your “concious” mind knows kills the planet”) So take your pick. – Pardon me? Are you trying to pretend leather production and the production of metal collars are the same? They’re not. Trust me, all industry is not equal. Some is sustainable, some rapes the environment, some is necessary, some is a waste of time. You don’t really need to be told this, right?
Listen. I LOVE an intelligent disagreement. I welcome opposing viewpoints. But if you’re going to start out a comment with “you’re an idiot” (a move I applaud, btw. Strong opening, really hooks the reader!) you need to have a slam-dunk diatribe following it or else YOU come off sounding like the idiot. Just a little friendly advice.
Reply
What does Antonio think? About you not wearing the collar, about your reasons for not wearing it, about the possibility of getting a collar made of a different material. I’m curious where his thoughts are because, yanno, the buck stops with him, eh?
Reply
@ kaya – Well, I wouldn’t have taken it off if he hadn’t allowed it, that’s for sure. It came off when the “you’re not longer a slave” edict was handed down, so it’s not like I took it off in a huff and was all, “It’s leather, you cruel bastard! I shall not wear such filth!” (Though, had I done that, his reaction would probably have been hilarious. Hilariously painful, but still.) Anyway, it hasn’t gone back on because he hasn’t said so. He told me I could wear it if I wanted to, if it made me feel more comfortable or something, but it wasn’t an order. Being me, and being sulky, I decided I didn’t deserve to wear it for comfort even though I wanted to, so it stayed off as a reminder of how much I sucked. It’s still off for that reason, and I still want it back, but yanno, not THIS one. I want a collar back. I want to be with him. I’m tired of the long-distance limbo. I’m not cut out for having half a relationship. It makes me… Bleh. Fat and unhappy and stuck in loserdom.
If all goes well… I’ll have a plan soon about moving, etc. When I get back out there for good – cross your fingers for SOON! – maybe he’ll reinstate the collar. I hope, I hope. I have no idea if he’s open to a different material. I can’t see why NOT, but… You never know. The buck does stop with him, so if he puts the leather one on me and tells me to shut up about it? He’ll put it on and I’ll shut up about it. I might not LOVE that, but (as I know you know) it’s not about what suits me perfectly. Shame, that.
Reply
“He told me I could wear it if I wanted to…”
That kind of stuff totally infuriates me. I cannot begin to describe how much I hate being told by the domly one that I ‘can’ do something when all I really want is to be told to do it.
Like this is a perfect example:
“Yeah, you can go in the cage if you want to…”
Yeah, right. Like I’m going to hop in there of my own accord. It soooo totally defeats the purpose.
Reply