So.  I was supposed to be leaving Thursday to see The Man for six days.  That’s on hold for two weeks now.

My Godbrother killed himself and I was feeling incredibly bad that I was going to be missing the services.  Antonio suggested I try to move my flight.  Given that I have to get time off approved at work two weeks in advance, two weeks it is. 

My Godbrother was older than I was and I haven’t been close to him since I was young.  Then he was like a fun uncle I tagged along after all the time (along with his siblings.  They tolerated Patrick and Harrison and me SO well.)… But his mother, my Godmother, remains one of the most important people in my life.  She passed away from breast cancer in 2002, and she took a large part of me with her. 

So I’m going for my Godbrother, but I’m also going for my Godmother.  Her son, her troubled, incredibly kind son hung himself from a tree not far from my house.  And he never would have done it if his mother were alive. Though I am not religious (and yes, I know these people are my Godfamily, but that honestly has nothing to do with religion – it’s just about looking after one another as family) the only way I can describe her was as an earthbound angel.  She possessed infinite wisdom, kindness, tolerance, grace, patience and selflessness.  I have literally never seen anything like it, not even close.  And if anyone – ANYONE – sought to harm her family, or any innocents, she could muster awe-inspiring power, power you’d swear was reserved for divinity.  She was truly a force of nature.

I miss her, every single day.  I hate that from the day she died onward everyone important in my life would have to merely hear stories about her, and could never meet her and feel the peace that everyone felt settle in their shoulders just by being near her.

Harrison and I are trying to decide how to get to the services.  Go with our mom, or our dad, or just each other?  (Divorce is so cool!!!)  Patrick is on post (he’s the one in the Army) and he keeps saying, “I just want to come home… I just want to come HOME.”  His family basically abandoned him when he was little, and he lived with my Godmother, as a son.  Like me, he drifted from my Godbrother due to age and location differences over the years but… family is family, with or without blood.  He said his boss might let him come home.  That would be wonderful for everyone.

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go into all that.  The point is I’m staying here for the services.  I feel a lot calmer and better for being able to do that.

Also, my brother Harrison is sick.  Again.  And I KNOW I will be infected. And I think my period is coming.  From a practical standpoint, it’s GREAT that I moved the flight two weeks forward because I fear it would have been a miserable trip if I hadn’t – guilty, sick, crampy and bloody.

But the obvious result of this is that now I have to WAIT to see The Man. And that just plain sucks.

So I’m sulky, obviously, for a whole lot of reasons.  I’ve got emails I need to get out, work I need to do, cleaning and laundry and calling my job and… Ugh.  Everything just seems overwhelming.  Figuring out where the keys are on the keyboard seems overwhelming at the moment.