This’ll be a long one.  Do excuse.

I’ve babysat for innumerable children, and had long-term/live-in positions with three families and a total of six kids. I LOVE those kids. I was their second mother (in some cases, their main mother) for a time, and they meant the world to me.

And I remember distinctly the feeling in my body when any of them looked at me in a moment of pain or elation and called me “Mommy!” by mistake because I was the one raising them.

I’ve always wanted children. Always. Make NO mistake about that. Every cell and hormone and neurotransmitter in my body sings a siren song to me, telling me to reproduce, telling me how much I want babies.

BUT.  (Yes, there is a but.)

Here’s the thing.

I don’t suffer the delusion that a flurry of hormones (the same ones that told me I was all set and ready for pregnancy at 12 years old, mind you) and a biological drive that amounts to “I WANNA!” is actually a good enough reason to undertake something so massive as bringing a new human being onto the planet.

So I’ve been taking a look at the realistic side of having kids.  And, sadly, I’ve come up with a fuckload of large entries for the “I know my hormones say yes, BUT…” list.  Here are some of them:

The Dying Planet

This planet is dying. We inch closer, generation by generation, to the day when a woman will look at her newborn and think, “I have no idea if Earth can sustain life long enough for you to grow old…”

We ARE destroying the planet. That’s just fact.  But I don’t see many people willing to look into the future. They prefer to make empty gestures, focus on micro-problems, or not to focus on anything at all.

The fact that we’re creating a planetary apocalypse doesn’t seem to affect many people because it’s a slow burn in comparison to things like the economy, cancer, or war.  It’s truly our largest problem, and if we don’t blow ourselves up or advance technology to the point of colonizing on Mars or something, it will be the death of the human race.

One of the things we as a species CAN do is to slow down the rate of reproduction, drastically.  We are far past maximum capacity for this planet. Something has to be done if we expect to be more than a tiny footnote in the pages of the history of planet Earth.

Having too Many Kids IS Our Problem

Okay, fine, so there are too many people on Earth.  But I’m in a lovely, developed country! I don’t live in Africa, with 13 kids. How is this MY problem?

Well, children from developed countries, especially highly commercialized ones like America, are some of the worst things for this planet.  They’re parasitic. Many people say, “Oh, but overpopulation is the problem of OTHER countries! They have way too many kids over in _______!”

And in a simplistic way, that’s true. Say a woman in Haiti has 10 kids and an American woman has 2. The American woman feels she’s the responsible one there. Having only the number of kids she can care for and provide with the best.

Well, actually, no sweetheart, that’s not true in the least.

Because the planet-destroying impact of her two little darlings? It’s equal to the that of two hundred and twelve Haitian children. Yeah, wow.  Way to go, us!

The thing is, America isn’t going to adopt a one-child policy. So the burden will fall to couples who are in  the pool of people who plan on having children to make the choice not to.  It’s the only way to offset the people who just don’t give a shit about reality.  *cough* thefuckingduggars *cough*

The Time Commitment

Most people think of kids as a steadily dwindling commitment. A child will always be your child, and when they’re 35 you will still be on call to field middle-of-the night phone calls. Once a parent, always a parent.

But an adult child does not require the level of supervision and energy a toddler does, obviously.

Your commitment as a parent dwindles over time so that your parental duties become smaller and smaller.

But… That is only if everything goes well.

If it doesn’t? If there are birth defects or severe head injuries along the way? The commitment is no longer a dwindling one. The “empty nest, time to get back to focusing on your partner(s)” option can EASILY be lost. There are millions of feasible ways to end up with an adult-child requiring the care and attention and time of a young child for the REST of your life. 

I see this every day because of my job. 

And call me selfish, but I don’t want that. I don’t want it for me, and I don’t want it for my hypothetical child. Now, granted, IF it happened? I would love my child, care for my child, support my child, for as long as he or she lived (or I was able.) I don’t have any doubts about that. Hell, I do it daily in my job for people I don’t even love. And I’m satisfied with providing that service, with being a caretaker in perpetuity. I know it is a good and noble thing.  I would do it, for my own child.  I just don’t want to have to.  Risk like that… Well, it terrifies me.

The Power Exchange Dynamic

I remain unconvinced that the best, most satisfying course within my PE relationship can be followed while there are children actively involved in daily life.

Of course, some sacrifices, even within a relationship, are totally worth it. And please know I’m not saying the sacrifices necessary in a dynamic and relationship are NEVER worth it to have kids. I just don’t know if they are worth it for ME.

This Man is the center of my universe. I don’t have a desire to lessen our connection or dynamic.  Why would I magically have that desire for the next couple decades so we can have kids?  I dunno…

I don’t want my relationship to suffer just so I can answer a biological imperative that is actually, at this point, a biological death sentence to humankind. The true biological imperative, survival of the species, would be for me to NOT have kids anyway. My body just doesn’t know that.

The Age Difference

Antonio is older than I am. He is enough years older that if we go have kids in the next few years, and every single thing works out perfectly, and when they are 18 or 19 years old, they ship off to college and we don’t see them again except on holidays… STILL, by the time those two decades have passed and Antonio and I are able to finally fully breathe again, fully focus on one another, and do the things we have wanted to do but put off? Well… Who the hell knows if we’ll be capable of doing those things the way we want to anymore! The prospect of clogging up our path, putting things off, and waiting for 20 years or so scares me. 

Adoption?

I’ve mused on adopting. Humans, as a species, do a great job of bringing unwanted children into the world all the time. Someone needs to take on THAT burden before we go breeding even MORE humans.

And it would be great to adopt an older child who has even less of a chance of finding a good home, thus helping a kid who had a lot less hope of happiness, AND forgoing some of the risks of “But will my child be mentally capable of leading his or her own life so that I can get on and live mine when they’re gone?” as well as eliminating some of the “Do I want to be a full-time parent for 20 years and spend THAT long putting my relationship, duties and my service in the number two spot on the priority list?”

Something to think about, I guess.

The Question, In Summary

Some people, even those of us in happy relationships, feel there is a hole in their life. They might fill it with religion, or children, or volunteer work, or education, or drugs.  Some of those fillers are wonderful.  Some of them are not-so-wonderful.

But I guess what I’m asking myself is – Do I NEED children?  Or do I just want them?  Will I feel empty if I don’t have them?  Is there something WRONG with my life and my relationship now that will only feel right if we have a baby? Or do I just have a bunch of hormones surging through me that force me to feel that I want a baby because I am built with a biological desire to Keep The Species Alive! 

Do I want to be a product of my love, devotion, and service to Antonio, or do I want to be a product of my hormonal urge to have babies?  I don’t think I can do both, not fully at least.  And I don’t like doing things by halves.

In The End…

I’m hoping it doesn’t matter what I think.

I don’t get to make this decision on my own.  (Well, yanno, unless I just headed off to a sperm bank one day, but I can assure you if I did that I would be making this decision – and raising my child – VERY much on my own!)

If I’m lucky, I won’t get to make this decision at all.  I’ll be welcome to present my confusion, to explain how I think, how I feel, etc.  But, as things do and as things should, it will come down to what he decides. 

It would be oh-so-slavelike to flip my hair back and say, “I, super-slave, KNOW that my Master doesn’t CARE what I think at all!  He will do anything he wants regardless of what I think and say and feel!”  But I don’t think that’s true. 

I think he’ll wait until we get to this bridge (he won’t want to discuss this now, if my guess is accurate.  I need a LOT more time than he does to feel like I have a secure opinion about something so I have to get started thinking far earlier than he does, which often means I’m thinking about things without the context of “this is presently something that needs to be decided” and he doesn’t like doing that), and then he’ll decide how we’ll cross it. If I’m lucky, it will be his decision and I won’t be given any sort of true vote.  But I can’t help but think he will base his decision, in part, on what he feels will make BOTH of us satisfied with our lives. 

I’m well aware that there are things I am probably not considering.  Things I don’t see, things I haven’t thought of. So I can’t even assume a decision from him will be based on what I’ve said.  There may be other factors that are bigger and more important to him that I haven’t considered. 

Perhaps he believes the sacrifices are worth it. And when it comes down to it – HE is the only one in this relationship who can decide if any of our lives or dynamic –  and my focus on him – can be sacrificed for something else. I can’t, won’t, and don’t want to choose that. it’s not my place, period. 

Perhaps he wants to satisfy his own urge to spread the seed even further (to clarify, he already has two children) or satisfy my overwhelming urge to be a caretaker in a more complete way than just being at his service, and a little creature who is a mix of our blood, genes, life lessons, and love might be the perfect thing.  Again, that’s up to him. And thank goodness.

Because in the end, I trust him so completely that no matter what he decides or why, I know it’s best.  It just will be.  Because he’ll say so. In fact, THAT is what will make the decision right – his seal of approval.

My opinion usually withers and dies when it doesn’t meet with his approval, even if he says it’s okay that I disagree.

The only thing I’m truly scared of?  Him giving me the reins or saying he won’t make a decision like this, that I have to decide, that he doesn’t care either way, etc. 

That paralyzes me. 

Of course, I might go out there at the end of the month and he could decide he just doesn’t want to see me again, so this could all be moot!