Dear miss lexa gave me an “Honest Blogger” award. I’m supposed to share ten honest things about myself, and pass it on. I find this a bit difficult because I’m not proud of everything I do and everything I am. I am proud, however, that I can do my best to share my imperfections with you guys, and know that you’ll still think I’m all right.

So. Here goes.

1 – I  kept the schedule of services from a friend’s funeral pinned to a bulletin board for years. She took her own life five years ago last month. And even though I think suicide is anything but, I used to press my fingers to that piece of paper every day and think: I wish I were that brave.

2 – Sometimes I purposely make my brother feel like he is not capable of living his own life.

3 – I desperately wish I were pretty. Superficially pretty. It truly doesn’t matter because everything I need to be happy has found me without me ever being that true on-the-outside kind of beautiful. It’s an empty, useless wish, and one that will never come true. But I wish it anyway.

4 – I told my mom I found my kitty in a box on the side of the road and HAD to rescue her. That was a lie. I went to a person’s house, picked her out from the litter, and paid for her. I knew I wouldn’t have been allowed to keep her any other way and I just knew she wanted to be mine. She’ll turn 10 years old next April.

5 – I once took 42 Valium – enough for two weeks – merely to prove that the song “The Freshmen” (by The Verve Pipe) was moronic for suggesting that a girl could take a week’s worth and die.  That shit has a nearly infinite therapeutic index.

6 – If I were to make a list of the top ten most reckless things I have done on purpose without caring if they harmed or killed me (and in fact, in most cases, hoping they WOULD)  – overdosing on Valium wouldn’t come close to making it.

7 – I believe, one day, I will write something worth publishing.

8 – I have a streak of casual cruelty. I will use my intelligence and my quick tongue to hurt people. I have said incredibly cruel and heartless things. And even though I know that should be beneath me, in most cases I don’t regret doing it.

9 – I love animals. I could never disembowel and consume my cat, or cage my dog so she had to stand in one position for her entire life. And yet it took me 26 years to become a vegan and eliminate animal cruelty from my diet and my life. There is absolutely not ONE single reason for my lifestyle to result in the exploitation and death of animals, yet it did anyway… I’m indescribably saddened, embarrassed, and disappointed in myself because of this. I pride myself on being a logical and ethical human, and seeing the gross negligence and willful blindness concerning my own actions makes me wonder how many other things I claim to believe in, but don’t live accordingly. And it scares me.

10 – I am afraid that, at the end of the figurative day, I will be found to be unlovable, unworthy, and disposable. I don’t seek reassurance with statements like this… It’s just… Something I’ve always been scared of.  It’s getting better.  But it’s definitely not gone.

I’m supposed to pass this on.  To seven people, I believe?  While I’m always happy to be tagged in something, I suck at passing it on.  Uh.  Okay, how about this.  If you read this… And you think it’d be cool  to share ten random honest things that would otherwise not make the cut into your blog…  Go for it, please.  If not, I will assume every single thing you say from here on out is a total lie because why else would you not want to just list ten honest things?  See, that made sense.  Do it or you’re a liar.  Because it would be IMPOSSIBLE to lie when you did this list and IMPOSSIBLE that someone who is honest would not want to spend the time doing this.  *nods*

I’m in a STRANGE mood today…  Even when I try to escape doing any “getting-ahead-of-myself” thinking, sometimes my mind and body just decide to think about things for me and it’s all I can do to keep up. Hrm…

Fucker.  I just sneezed again.  I’m definitely getting sick.  Well, better now than in a few weeks!  I just bought plane tickets – I’m going to see The Man at the end of this month.