(No. Not smiley faces. Similes. Also, I give up on the font Comic Sans. It hates me and it hopes I choke.)
Fashionably late to the party as always… I’d like to take a minute to discuss what makes someone “real” in terms of submission.
While I know this conversation (argument?) is old as all hell, it was recently talked about by kaya (that’s post 2, methinks), morningstar, and swan. They all had insight and/or managed to incite (lookin’ at you, Tess – and I can’t even begin to explain how much I adore you). I imagine I’ll do neither. I might manage to repeat things or be redundant. (See what I did there?)
I mean, I have my ideas. I even have my judgments. I don’t hold to them particularly strongly unless I class you as a hopelessly inept jerkface. (It’s a handy little classification, if I do say so myself.)
But for some reason, the whole thing strikes me a little like the concept of “going green.” There are roughly ninety billion things you can do to go green. From Reduce, Reuse, Recycle to buying a hybrid car to converting traditional home energy systems to Earth-friendly alternatives. And on and on and on.
And going green seems just like submission in BDSM. Some people add in activities and rituals that aren’t huge departures from their normal lives. Some people dedicate themselves to learning, asking questions, incorporating anything and everything they can until every facet of their lives revolves around this need to BE green. Some people have lived with elements of it for their entire adult lives because it’s just natural for them, and they (or others) encourage that behavior because it feels so darn good even if it’s hard. Some were made aware of it in childhood, or found themselves with guilt for doing (or not doing) certain things, and they didn’t know why. Some people feel it is necessary for their happiness, and it helps them feel like they are in the right place on this planet. Some people feel it is fun and rewarding, and they do it as often as they can, but don’t sulk up a storm when they can’t. Some people just don’t have the time or desire to invest in making any attempts so they don’t.
Obviously, going green is something MOST people would agree is “good” for everyone which is not the case with submission/BDSM, but I trust you all are clever enough to see what I’m getting at. Or at least to play along with my insanity. If you’re a regular reader, you’re well aware that I’ll take either with a smile and gratitude.
There are pissing contests in the green world just as in the submission world. Are you green ENOUGH, dammit?
But, damn… It’s almost always a lose-lose. You can live in an energy-efficient underground dwelling, bicycle everywhere, grow your own food, eat as a strict vegan, use baking soda to wash everything from your clothes to your hair, freecycle, and give every extra dime to organizations promoting a healthier environment…
And you know what?
There is STILL going to be someone out there going, “Oh yeah, bitch? Well I wipe my ass with a rag when I shit, so I don’t ruin the world with toilet paper refuse LIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW! Put that in your hand-blown glass pipe and smoke it, motherfucker! May you rot in hell for being a terrible, wasteful human being. Green? My ass is greener than you are.”
And YES, there are instances where raised eyebrows and “Uh, pardon me, but I do believe ur doin’ it wrong” will be warranted. Like when the guy who recycles his beer cans but lives in perpetual AC, drives a gas-guzzler, and hasn’t touched a vegetable in three years says, “I’m doing everything I can, man, to help the environment! I am so green!” Because, no. Just no. In fact, die.
But I have to think those of us who dedicate ourselves to being green are the only ones who care about HOW green someone else is. Everyone else is going, “Buh? You are all helping the environment… I don’t get the issue…” And, with submission in BDSM, everyone else is going, “Wtf. You all seem pretty submissive to me.”
It’s only because we all sit around endlessly discussing methods, philosophies, extreme measures, failures, goals, interests, etc. that we all end up racing for a ruler, unzipping our pants and whipping our our proverbial penises.* I’ll be the first to admit, though, I’m a fan of penises. I’ll totally watch the show! Whip ‘em out, everyone, I wanna SEE! I’ll even join in.
Because I’m totally guilt of it too. Please don’t think I’m saying I’m above this. I’m a total bottom-dweller, to be quite honest. I’m just also capable of observing my own idiocy in a (slightly) objective manner. And on occasion, I indulge that ability.
* I’m nine inches, bitch. Flaccid. *air guitar*
Their ASS may be greener, but I bet my GREEN is greener. Therefore, I win the hippyfight. Everyone can shut up and recycle quietly like we were taught to do in kindergarten.
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“Like when the guy who recycles his beer cans but lives in perpetual AC, drives a gas-guzzler, and hasn’t touched a vegetable in three years says, “I’m doing everything I can, man, to help the environment! I am so green!” Because, no. Just no. In fact, die.”
My sentiments *exactly*. Thank you for agreeing with me.
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You don’t get potatoes, so you go green instead??
I *heart* you.
k ~ is so green her middle name is kermit~
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Since we all know “It ain’t easy bein’ green” does it then follow that it isn’t easy being submissive?
Oh wait – I really was paying attention to you post – it’s all relative!
Honestly I never understood the whole raging debate anyway – seems to me that in a power-exchange relationship the only person who must be pleased is the Top. So if I’m pleasing my own Top/Dom/Master/Sir/HOH or whatever you call them, the opinion of others simply is irrelevant. I’m not here to impress the BDSM community, only to please my Master.
Easy-peasy.
But they’ll be arguing, judging, and whipping out cocks to measure for the rest of eternity anyway.
Peace
Tapestry
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@ HouseWench – Wanna know a secret (not really a secret)? I never went to kindergarten. They wouldn’t let me in because I’d been reading since I was three and they said I’d be “a disruption in the classroom.” My parents were given instructions to keep me home a year and not teach me anything. I know everyone who knows me today would say, “Chloe? A disruption? OMGWTFBBQ? She’s so darling, how could ANYONE think that?”
@ kaya – I DO agree with you! Well, I think I do. While there are levels of submission, and (as Tapestry says) if the Dom-man is happy, it’s all good… I guess I’m just honestly CONFUSED by some people and their labeling schemes. In my head, the person who gets to say, “You can do this, but you cannot do this… I like things done this way, but not this way, and I refuse to allow X Y Z and twenty other letters of the alphabet simply because I don’t like them… Etc.” is… You know… The person WITH the control. I mean, right? If you call the shots, you’re in charge, yes? Just because the person in charge happens to ENJOY some activities that are stereotypically allotted to people who are sub-slave-w/e, doesn’t mean they ARE a sub-slave-w/e. If Antonio turned around one day and said, “I want you to dig your nails into my back as hard as you can during sex – I enjoy the pain – so make it HURT!” it doesn’t suddenly make him submissive, does it? He’s still in control as far as I can tell… I guess I just don’t understand the labeling system sometimes. If I enjoy being “forced” to do things like clean and cook and have sex on demand, and I tell someone to make me do those things and not take no for an answer from me, but I’m very clear that I won’t allow other things because I don’t like them… Then HOW is that submissive? I’m not saying anyone is or isn’t whatever. I’m just CURIOUS about how that fits ANY definition of the word. Literally A-N-Y definition. I scored pretty damn well on my SAT verbal section, and calling all the shots, no matter what the shots are, doesn’t fit any definition of “being without power” that I’m currently aware of. I’m willing to concede that someone could enlighten me. It just hasn’t happened yet. So I remain, per usual, confused.
@ subtle – I’m heartable, I hear. *preens* So are YOU, as it happens. Do we rock? Yes, we rock. HARD.
@ Tapestry – Yes it DOES follow that it ain’t easy being submissive! Logic. I haz it. And… You’re right that obviously the most important thing in a relationship is that people are happy. In a PE relationship, I think most would argue if the Domly one is unhappy, something is wrong. I guess my issue is what I was saying to kaya. Sometimes, I know people just have varying levels of submission. Some people have safewords, some people have hard limits, some people (like me) have those “mutual limits” that let me prance around and say “Bestiality is a limit! I HAVE A LIMIT! Neener neener!” but I ONLY get to say that because my Master is a normal human who shares that limit. Some people might abuse their safewords or limits to twist power into their own hands, some might only use them as their Master intended and WANTED so it still makes perfect semantic sense in my head to call it submission if the Boss is happy with it. The part that does, I admit, confuse me is when the person calling all the shots says “I set all the ground rules of what I will and won’t do, and what my partner can and can’t ask of me. And, oh, p.s. I gave him all kinds of power over me.” Because I’m stuck here going, “You did? Where? Show me so I can understand.” I’m curious by nature, and things that make no sense make me VERY curious.
Everyone remember what I said about being redundant? I just did it with kaya and Tapestry. I’m so clever. (But clever ain’t wise.) Points for picking out those lyrics, anyone? Google = cheating.
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Believe it or not, sports fans, SOME of us went to kindergarten in a time BEFORE anyone worried about the environment; in a time BEFORE there even was AC to run continuously; in a time when what you learned in kindergarten was your ABC’s and no one learned to read until 1st grade… Just sayin’.
I do think it is a good simile, Chloe. It even works and is good from that point of view that there is a divide between the old practitioners and the younger ones — there have been people around doing this for a really long time, and what we all see as the way it is done nowadays, has not always been so. Sitting on the edge (as I seem to be doing) between the younger, Internet-driven, BDSM community, and the older, seriously underground, leather folk, I can see them squared off on a regular basis, each side muttering about how their way is/was better.
I think it is just the way we are as human critters. What we see as “our way” is good in our view, and what seems different and not “our way” can be easily categorized as “not as good as…”
swan
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@Chloe Ha! That is hilarious! My parents didn’t think to tell the teachers, so they got to be surprised by me reading ALL THE TIME. (Even between words on spelling tests! Because, I don’t really think I need 5 minutes to spell ‘separate’. )
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Hellos from the other Chloe!
Loved your green analogy! I’ve been going through a green learning curve for my personal life and my business and I’ve oft received scathing looks from other greensters that don’t quite approve of my shade of green. So yay for tolerance and inclusion in all aspects of life
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Chloe,
okay – your point that just because a dominant enjoys something that’s considered ‘submissive’ is right on – and something that’s been nibbling at the edges of my mind for months now. i’m of the opinion that whatever the dominant wants, he gets. period. it doesn’t matter if it’s having his back scratched out or being pissed on or having me sit on his face. if that’s what he wants – then who’s to say that it’s not a dominant action\desire\etc.? this is a concept that i tried explaining to my ex and my friends this past Spring when i was accused of acting Toppy – simply because of some things i’d done – which he truly enjoyed. honestly, can’t we all just live without labels??? (never mind… stupid question)
anyway, am sharing a honest blogger award with you – when you have a spare minute: http://searchingforlexa.blogspot.com/2009/09/little-more-honesty.html
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There is so much “subber than thou” in a lot of communities that I just stayed away until recently. Master and I used to make jokes out of it, specially when seperated by an ocean. He would say “a REAL slave would swim over here to make her Master a coffee” and I’d return with some similar nonsense about REAL Masters
As with any walk of life, other peoples opionons on your lifestyle must be taken with a grain of salt (kosher if you prefer!) and a fuck lot of amusement! If you can’t laugh at yourself first then please remove the stick from your ass!
and I have so much more tto say but Masters keyboard is a british one (quite diff from american) and its driving my insane cuz my fingers keep finding the wrong keys!
*yeah well my e-penis is 12inches! Mandingo eat your heart out!!
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Chloe…
oh I so heart you! “Because, no. Just no. In fact, die” omg, I just about choked on that one!
Like swan, I too grew up when K.G was for all, no a/c, b&w tv (gasp!) w/only 3 channels…my kids were appalled at what I “had to live w/o!!”….”geeze mom,” my 5 yo said the other day, “did you get to have a dinosaur as a pet?” .snort.
Labeling is something we ALL do…or try not to do…I think it’s a hardwiring issue in our primal-man brain, yanno, like…deer/food/good… man/strong/protector etc. I work sooo hard at it, but it’s also a growth issue. In my 20′s I used to be very, very judgemental of others and burnt myself a few times because of it…ya, a learning curve. And it stands to reason that in a lifestyle as provocative as D/s (or whatever your personal ‘label” is for your relationship) that lableling happens both w/i AND w/o the community…and that might be what makes it hurt worser…so many folks misunderstand the kink from outside, that to be judged by those IN the lifestyle makes it harsher. Just my rambling 2 cents….
thanks for makin’ me smile….
Nilla,
wandering off into the ether in her cough syrup induced drug haze….coughing off into the distance….
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I Hate To Disagree, But…. « Turn the Paige says:
[...] (see link at beginning of post) and since I agree with her, lets not be repetitive! (That’s Chloe’s territory [...]
@ swan – Heh… Thank you! Humans are an interesting bunch. And it is so easy to see our way as THE way. I suppose it must help us be such a “dominant” species, but it’s also probably part of why this isn’t a utopia.
@ HouseWench – You had smart parents. Mine actually didn’t INTEND to teach me to read, they were just tired of me parking my butt on their newspapers in the morning. (I was a WEE bit testy when I felt I was being left out of something! So they had to teach me so I’d relax and feel included.)
@ Chloe – Hi! I love any and every effort to go green. Rock on – their shade of green is probably pukey anyway. That’s what I’d tell myself, at least. Heh…
@ lexa – I saw that! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m going to do it today… It’s hard because I want to be REALLY honest and sometimes that’s embarrassing. But, oh well, I’m no stranger to being looked at funny.
@ Sephani – Amen to being able to laugh at yourself. If I hadn’t learned that, I’d just be in tears all the time. Also… I bow to the superiority of your pretend-penis. My pretend-penis is properly shamed.
@ Nilla – I’m a wee bit snarky, ’tis true. I try to keep a handle on it, but sometimes it just POPS OUT and I can’t help it! I still find myself being a bit judgmental. I’m trying VERY hard to fix that part of me, and only judge the things that truly matter to me and how I live my life but… So far, I’m far from perfect. But that’s okay, I’m young(ish), right?
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You rawk. That is all *beams*
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