(No.  Not smiley faces.  Similes.  Also, I give up on the font Comic Sans.  It hates me and it hopes I choke.) 

Fashionably late to the party as always… I’d like to take a minute to discuss what makes someone “real” in terms of submission.

While I know this conversation (argument?) is old as all hell, it was recently talked about by kaya (that’s post 2, methinks), morningstar, and swan. They all had insight and/or managed to incite (lookin’ at you, Tess – and I can’t even begin to explain how much I adore you). I imagine I’ll do neither. I might manage to repeat things or be redundant. (See what I did there?)

I mean, I have my ideas. I even have my judgments. I don’t hold to them particularly strongly unless I class you as a hopelessly inept jerkface. (It’s a handy little classification, if I do say so myself.)

But for some reason, the whole thing strikes me a little like the concept of “going green.” There are roughly ninety billion things you can do to go green. From Reduce, Reuse, Recycle to buying a hybrid car to converting traditional home energy systems to Earth-friendly alternatives. And on and on and on.

And going green seems just like submission in BDSM. Some people add in activities and rituals that aren’t huge departures from their normal lives. Some people dedicate themselves to learning, asking questions, incorporating anything and everything they can until every facet of their lives revolves around this need to BE green. Some people have lived with elements of it for their entire adult lives because it’s just natural for them, and they (or others) encourage that behavior because it feels so darn good even if it’s hard. Some were made aware of it in childhood, or found themselves with guilt for doing (or not doing) certain things, and they didn’t know why. Some people feel it is necessary for their happiness, and it helps them feel like they are in the right place on this planet. Some people feel it is fun and rewarding, and they do it as often as they can, but don’t sulk up a storm when they can’t. Some people just don’t have the time or desire to invest in making any attempts so they don’t.

Obviously, going green is something MOST people would agree is “good” for everyone which is not the case with submission/BDSM, but I trust you all are clever enough to see what I’m getting at. Or at least to play along with my insanity. If you’re a regular reader, you’re well aware that I’ll take either with a smile and gratitude. 

There are pissing contests in the green world just as in the submission world. Are you green ENOUGH, dammit?

But, damn… It’s almost always a lose-lose. You can live in an energy-efficient underground dwelling, bicycle everywhere, grow your own food, eat as a strict vegan, use baking soda to wash everything from your clothes to your hair, freecycle, and give every extra dime to organizations promoting a healthier environment…

And you know what?

There is STILL going to be someone out there going, “Oh yeah, bitch? Well I wipe my ass with a rag when I shit, so I don’t ruin the world with toilet paper refuse LIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW! Put that in your hand-blown glass pipe and smoke it, motherfucker! May you rot in hell for being a terrible, wasteful human being. Green? My ass is greener than you are.”

And YES, there are instances where raised eyebrows and “Uh, pardon me, but I do believe ur doin’ it wrong” will be warranted. Like when the guy who recycles his beer cans but lives in perpetual AC, drives a gas-guzzler, and hasn’t touched a vegetable in three years says, “I’m doing everything I can, man, to help the environment! I am so green!” Because, no. Just no. In fact, die.

But I have to think those of us who dedicate ourselves to being green are the only ones who care about HOW green someone else is. Everyone else is going, “Buh? You are all helping the environment… I don’t get the issue…” And, with submission in BDSM, everyone else is going, “Wtf. You all seem pretty submissive to me.”

It’s only because we all sit around endlessly discussing methods, philosophies, extreme measures, failures, goals, interests, etc. that we all end up racing for a ruler, unzipping our pants and whipping our our proverbial penises.* I’ll be the first to admit, though, I’m a fan of penises. I’ll totally watch the show! Whip ‘em out, everyone, I wanna SEE! I’ll even join in.

Because I’m totally guilt of it too. Please don’t think I’m saying I’m above this. I’m a total bottom-dweller, to be quite honest. I’m just also capable of observing my own idiocy in a (slightly) objective manner. And on occasion, I indulge that ability.

* I’m nine inches, bitch.  Flaccid.   *air guitar*