I’m feeling lonely, irritable, and ignored. Rather, I AM lonely, irritable, and ignored.
To the point where I read blogs where someone mentions in passing they slept well or something and the blogger uses the word “happy” and I begin storming around my brain all “IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO BROADCAST YOUR HAPPINESS LIKE THAT YOU INSENSITVE COW? GOD!”
Because I’m rational and mature.
Antonio has some stuff going on… Ranging from medical to family to no-definitive-origin stuff and… Well, I’ve been ignored. A lot. For months.
Emails and talking on the phone? Down to a couple brief emails a day, and a 5 minute “goodnight” conversation before he heads to bed.
Nicknames? Gone. He isn’t using them anymore. No kitten, cunt, sweetheart, nothin’. For weeks.
Sharing his feelings daily, keeping me up to date on anything I could do, just randomly rambling at me in email about things? Hahaha – no.
And I’m telling you, it WEARS on me.
When I have trouble, I head right to him (usually belly-up). I show him my wounds, I ask him what he thinks I should do. When he has trouble, he retreats to lick his wounds and recoup on his own. And don’t get me wrong, he’ll ask for help if he wants it or needs is… It’s just… He doesn’t really want it and I can’t offer him anything he strictly needs. He’s a very independent, solitary creature, and he’s made it this far in life because he does not require the help of others for emotional support. If he needs practical support of some kind, he’s a smart man and of course he’ll seek it out. (i.e. – He’s not pigheaded. If he had to go to court over something (he doesn’t) he wouldn’t waltz in there with no lawyer because omg, he needs no one!)
But here I am, a thousand miles away… My worth in terms of practical support? It’s pretty low. I can’t offer him much of anything from this far away – no hugs, no blowjobs, no meals, no silent company, no hopping-up-and-getting-everything-he-could-possibly-need all day long. I suppose if he felt like moping and wallowing in his misery verbally, I could listen to him do it. He’s just not QUITE that emo. So I’m sort of… useless.
Great feeling for a girl like me, lemme tell ya.
And… I know I’m not imagining it. He’s told me why he’s acting and feeling the way he is, and he’s told me it has nothing to do with me – it’s just stuff he’s got to work through on his own. He’s confirmed that he’s spending less time and energy on me. He’s confirmed that he’s withdrawn. (He also said, and I quote, “You didn’t melt down and become a useless heap of goo, and I’m very proud of you for that.” *beams* Is anyone else amused that becoming a “useless heap of goo” is basically the standard reaction I would have if I felt him withdrawing extensively? Codependent, anyone? Whatever, he’s PROUD of me! *glee!*)
Anyway… I know the only thing for me to do is just Suck It The Fuck Up, Buttercup. Believe me, I AM AWARE. And, according to him, I’m doing a pretty good job. So… That’s cool.
But, shockingly, that doesn’t remove my hurt feelings.
So the point of this is that I’m sulky, I’m lonely, I’m being ignored. And I demand cheering up for you lot or… or… or… Oh, fuck it. There is no “or else” I just enjoy appearing threatening. Rawr.
Sounds like maybe a little cabin fever, too. When Master and I weren’t together, it was like a mouse in a cage, and it turns out that that restlessness was cabin fever! Boo. Fuck outside, I just find hilarious things on the internet.
http://www.urlesque.com/2009/09/15/interrupting-kanye-meme-takes-over-the-internet/ Also make friends with StumbleUpon. It is a great timewaster and can show you the most hilarious things ever.
Reply
@HouseWench – I’m usually good at handling the distance thing. Or, you know, relatively good.
But LOOK what a great opportunity this is for me to get to see everyone’s favorite internet insanity! I’m stoked for that. Thanks for doing your part. *grins*
Reply
omg, you need some girl friends chloe. where do you live? wanna go see a chick flick?
I’m sort of a debbie downer. I don’t have any amusing websites, although albinoblacksheep.com is pretty good.
I hope you feel better soon chickita!
Reply
(especially the Llama song)
Reply
@ dk – I *do* want to go see a movie. But you’re really, really far away from me. Lame! My friend Anne works all week… My cousin Quinn won’t be visiting for a while… And everyone I hang out with regularly is male. And they are just no good at being girly.
albinoblacksheep DOES rock, but I haven’t been there in ages so thanks for reminding me. I know I’ve seen the llama song, but I can’t remember it… I must go see it now. Ooo, ooo, I remember the guinea pig one, though. And that’s where I first saw the End of the World flash! Awesome.
I might hafta go play there.
Reply
Hey ChloE (to distinguish you from that other Chloe, lol!)
Kinda say it to myself in a Fred Flintstone voice….Chlooo–E (no, no, no, NOT like Soooo-eee like for pig calling, sheesh!)…Oh wait, I meant Barney Rubble’s voice (laughing like a loon, here, gawd I’m such a goof brain today.)
Anyway, got nuthin funny for you. I DID sleep good until 430 if that helps?! Then was awake until I got up at 545. I did a whole load of laundry, all by myslef (g)…nope, wait, it’s still in the dryer, fer crissakes. Um, wait, summthin….I know! (smacks forehead) I Made Pickles! Haw! Success. Now you can hate me, insensitive cow that I am !!! Harharhar! OMG, you make me laugh, woman!
Hugs,
Nilla
Reply
Long distance sucks. We did it for about 9 months. He was very clear that I would get here to Him, and there was very little leeway in doing that. We were both just miserable with the separation. I don’t know how people do it, sometimes for years. I understand that it can be difficult to make “together” happen, but in my view, there is really no substitute for being at least near each other. A bit of a drive is one thing I suppose, but your 1000 miles, or my 1200 miles is just impossible in the long run.
I know I was supposed to cheer you up, but I can’t imagine anything that would have made our separation better, and I am therefore not able to conceive of some happy fun thing to share that will “fix” what is un-fixable without a moving van and a shit-load of boxes.
swan
Reply
So, I have running list a few online places that I go when I need a little pick me up/inspiration. You’ve probably seen most of them, but since I never tire of them–here goes…
1) To being a better version of ourselves:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd4VSkj0Wks
2) To genuine hilarity:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8
3) Really, I just enjoy this one– complete with valuable lesson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4
In any case– hope this cheers you up for a bit.
Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5R8gSgedh4
This is hilarious
Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UAZu0vF618&feature=related
And This!
Reply
*has a tantrum because it’s not fair that Chloe lives uber thousands of eons of miles away and I can’t have a girly night with her* … *glompage* (p.s. my uber awesome long email … hasn’t told you the rest of the saga yet
… yes there’s more and it’s not all happy joyness so there, you can feel better and wallow some with me) x
Reply
I’d suggest /b/….but then you have to be pretty twisted (like me) to find half of that stuff amusing lol. I’ll pass along the link anyways, ya know…just in case >.>
http://www.4chan.org
and a pretty nifty vid I was shown yesterday!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jpAI0o79kw
and finally, for a lil demotivation and giggles;
http://www.motifake.com
Reply
Just google Eddie Izzard on youtube. I’m especially a fan of the deathstar canteen vids with lego.
And in support of you, I’ve been attempting not to mention the ‘h’ word on my blog or anywhere around you
Reply
@ Nilla – I shall attempt to accept your happiness with only minimal scowling. Heh.
@ swan – I will definitely take sympathy in lieu of distraction. It’s always welcome, because you’re right… There isn’t anything to make this BETTER.
@ JMD and dk – I’ve totally opened all those videos in extra tabs. I shall watch as soon as I get home this afternoon!
@ Sephani Paige – 4chan, you say? Well, then I have a question for you… Do you have stairs in your house?
@ Impy – I know. Someone needs to invent teleportation. Immediately. I have to go move some couches though, so I’m booked for the day. So maybe you should do it. How comfortable are you with theoretical physics?
@ subtle – You rock. And YouTube is SO getting a workout when I get home!
Reply
O.o yes…I have stairs in my house….
Reply