I’m feeling lonely, irritable, and ignored.  Rather, I AM lonely, irritable, and ignored.

To the point where I read blogs where someone mentions in passing they slept well or something and the blogger uses the word “happy” and I begin storming around my brain all “IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO BROADCAST YOUR HAPPINESS LIKE THAT YOU INSENSITVE COW?  GOD!”

Because I’m rational and mature.

Antonio has some stuff going on… Ranging from medical to family to no-definitive-origin stuff and… Well, I’ve been ignored.  A lot.  For months. 

Emails and talking on the phone?  Down to a couple brief emails a day, and a 5 minute “goodnight” conversation before he heads to bed.

Nicknames?  Gone. He isn’t using them anymore.  No kitten, cunt, sweetheart, nothin’.  For weeks.

Sharing his feelings daily, keeping me up to date on anything I could do, just randomly rambling at me in email about things?  Hahaha – no.

And I’m telling you, it WEARS on me. 

When I have trouble, I head right to him (usually belly-up).  I show him my wounds, I ask him what he thinks I should do.  When he has trouble, he retreats to lick his wounds and recoup on his own. And don’t get me wrong, he’ll ask for help if he wants it or needs is… It’s just… He doesn’t really want it and I can’t offer him anything he strictly needs.  He’s a very independent, solitary creature, and he’s made it this far in life because he does not require the help of others for emotional support.  If he needs practical support of some kind, he’s a smart man and of course he’ll seek it out.  (i.e. – He’s not pigheaded. If he had to go to court over something (he doesn’t) he wouldn’t waltz in there with no lawyer because omg, he needs no one!)

But here I am, a thousand miles away… My worth in terms of practical support?  It’s pretty low.  I can’t offer him much of anything from this far away – no hugs, no blowjobs, no meals, no silent company, no hopping-up-and-getting-everything-he-could-possibly-need all day long.  I suppose if he felt like moping and wallowing in his misery verbally, I could listen to him do it.  He’s just not QUITE that emo. So I’m sort of… useless.

Great feeling for a girl like me, lemme tell ya.

And… I know I’m not imagining it.  He’s told me why he’s acting and feeling the way he is, and he’s told me it has nothing to do with me – it’s just stuff he’s got to work through on his own. He’s confirmed that he’s spending less time and energy on me.  He’s confirmed that he’s withdrawn.   (He also said, and I quote, “You didn’t melt down and become a useless heap of goo, and I’m very proud of you for that.”  *beams*  Is anyone else amused that becoming a “useless heap of goo” is basically the standard reaction I would have if I felt him withdrawing extensively?  Codependent, anyone?  Whatever, he’s PROUD of me!  *glee!*)

Anyway… I know the only thing for me to do is just Suck It The Fuck Up, Buttercup.  Believe me, I AM AWARE.  And, according to him, I’m doing a pretty good job. So… That’s cool.

But, shockingly, that doesn’t remove my hurt feelings. 

So the point of this is that I’m sulky, I’m lonely, I’m being ignored. And I demand cheering up for you lot or… or… or… Oh, fuck it.  There is no “or else” I just enjoy appearing threatening.  Rawr.