In looking at comments on my last post (and not having a clue where to jump in because I talk too much for any one reply) and the blog posts my last one engendered… Well, I’ve spent time digesting what everyone said, and thinking about how it applies to me.

First of all, thank you to everyone who shared.  No matter someone’s opinion, I get something out of it. And I’m grateful people who share their time, energy, and thoughts with me.  (And their stories, of course!  YIKES, subtle. YIKES.  And your story hit home, Amber.  My grandmother is in assisted living now, has been for a few months.  Her late husband, who died 24 years ago, has been brought up recently.  It’s gut-wrenching, but we lie to her about it now.  It’s the best thing we can do, for her.)

I’m reminded of my own ramblings on The Big Four. 

I’ve always said there are sexual practices that are not okay for me (at least in my head – we’re ignoring what’s okay in Antonio’s head for the moment just to simplify), but I don’t care if other people do them.  Like scat play.  HellznoDoNotWant.  But everyone else?  Enjoy your poop.  Really, really enjoy it.  That’s cool. (Warm?)

Then there were things I think are not okay for me, and they aren’t okay for anyone else either.  Pedophilia.  Bestiality.  Necrophilia.  And Incest.

I’m taking incest off the list, in light of all my recent musings.  The issues with pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia are the same.  In fact, they are basically a singular issue.  People should not have sex with a sentient (or once sentient) being if they cannot obtain consent.  You can’t obtain true consent to have sex with a child, an animal, or a corpse.  The law backs me on that.  So they are off limits.  For me, and for you too, dammit. 

Incest though?  Well, it’s still not right for me.   The legality varies by location.  And it’s got some potential biological and psychological pitfalls.  But… Just because I think it’s horrible for ME and I know it ends up badly for many others doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for someone else. 

I am not omniscient.  I don’t understand everything, and I’m not about to pretend I do. I’m open to the fact that just because I don’t understand incest doesn’t mean it can’t be fulfilling for someone else in different circumstances.

Same thing with all this honesty and truth stuff.

Swan is right, in that I grew up and hearing over and over how honesty is necessary.  How it will ruin a relationship if you are not totally honest.  For a long time, I bought it.  I FELT it was true, even.  I heard it, I preached it, I pointed out instances of me being “right” for believing.

But you know what?  I heard, preached, and pointed out the same sort of ideas about a man hitting a woman. 

I heard over and over that a “good” man will NEVER do it, no matter what.  That even if a woman likes it or thinks she deserves it  – that’s clearly a psychological issue, she is damaged, and a “good” man would never take advantage of her compromised mental state!  He’d get her help so she didn’t “want” to be hit anymore!   And that if a man does hit a woman, she might be able to convince herself she wanted it… Or, if she can’t do that, then perhaps she can forgive him, but once he does it once, he will do it again.  It will escalate.  It will corrode and ruin a relationship. A “good” man won’t hit a women.  Ever ever ever.

But I think a lot of us are perfect examples of how that idea, that social construct that people DO hold, is utter bullshit.  No?

A  lot of people don’t understand it and don’t understand us. And some people feel PASSIONATELY that not only is a man hitting a woman not okay in their relationship, it is also not okay in other relationships.  They think we are “wrong” and they are “right.”  A lot of people think we are sick, or in need of saving, or suffering some psychological impairment that needs fixing.  We are making some “sick choice” and are stuck with a “bad man.” They think all the hitting, spanking, slapping, whipping (whatever the case may be) is damaging, and bad, even if we say it isn’t.  They firmly believe they are lucky to be so clear-headed, lucky that they would never tolerate that behavior from a man, and that those of us who do allow it are Fucked. The. Hell. Up.

But it doesn’t make them right, does it?  I don’t think so.

I understand their passion, however. I feel it for many things.  I feel it when it comes to forms of sexual and marital equality.  I feel it when it comes to the slaughter of innocent, sentient beings for human consumption.  I feel it when it comes to abortion rights, and the logic behind them. But as strongly as I feel about those things, I MUST ground myself in the reality that I am NOT a voice of moral or legal authority.  I can share my views, how they work in my life, and how they benefit me and my conscience.  But things only get dangerous when I start thinking I am morally superior.  I try not to do that.  I sometimes fail, as with the incest thing, but… I’m TRYING.

Anyway… Back on track.

Sara has shared with us her view on honesty in her relationship – which is exactly what I asked for, and was glad to receive.  I don’t think she was aiming for a “you’re doin’ it wrong” statement.  I might be wrong, but… I don’t think so. 

Her relationship works and works well – for MANY reasons, I believe.  And one of those reasons is an attempt (and from what she has told us, a successful one) to place honesty and transparency near the top of the list for both her and her husband. For, as I see it, Grant has to answer to the call of honesty, and Sara would not accept it if he didn’t.  (I’m wrong there, let me know?)

That honesty stipulation in their relationship is one found in many.  It’s not one that is always (or even often) upheld in the many relationships that have it as a requirement.  And for the people who have that stipulation in their relationship, and depend on it being met to fulfill their trust requirements, it is DEVASTATING to be lied to.  I understand that, and I think Grant and Sara – who do have that stipulation in their relationship – have done an amazing thing in upholding that by being honest with one another. 

I imagine everyone has a list of things their relationship “depends” upon. I imagine some common ones are honesty stipulations, fidelity stipulations, non-violence stipulations, etc.  Meeting them is admirable, and it can require a lot of work. I respect the passion Sara has for the honesty aspect of her relationship, and how important it is to the success of her relationship, and Grant and Sara’s relationship on the whole.  It is a long one, not without its trials and suffering, and they have remained together, strong and united and in tune with each other.  That’s a wonderful, inspiring thing.  It’s something I hope for in my relationship.

I don’t think I’ll get there the same way Sara has – but I think that’s okay!

The thing I think that’s NOT okay is best summed up in pretty’s comment that “honesty does make for a better and stronger bond.”  The thing that is missing there is the “for ME.” Because that sort of declaration, while backed by loads of social reinforcement, millions of people chanting the tropes with the same message, etc.. It’s the same as the idea that “a good man will never hit a woman.”  It’s NOT a universal reality, not matter how badly someone wants to judge it as such.

Sure, you’ll get a lot of people who will agree with you.  Sure, there are even psychological studies done on women who get hit.  Sure, you may feel passion about that and think the fact that it’s right in your relationship means it’s right in everyone’s…

But all of that simply doesn’t make it so.

I guess what I’m doing with all this musing is figuring out why this instance of dishonesty affected me the way it did.  And also asking myself WHY I have to sit down and figure out my reaction in the first place!

Because my reaction did not mirror what I presumed my reaction to be, or even what my reaction would have been a year, two years ago… It was not the reaction I was programmed to have based on years of social conditioning.

I guess that’s why I had to sit down in the first place.  I was so bogged down in social imprinting, I couldn’t understand my own reaction.

And why do I feel the way I do about honesty and trust? 

Well… In  this relationship, my trust in him is not based on his transparency or total honesty.  I trust him enough to choose what I need to know, and when I need to know it.  I trust that he will not hide anything that will compromise my safety, not hide anything out of convenience to him that could harm or embarrass me to the point where I developed fears and I hesitated to follow his lead, etc.  Just as with hitting me, humiliating me, forcing me to do certain things – he is in fact the ONLY person I trust to do those things to me, the only person I feel safe with doing those things, the only person who loves me enough to not harm me (though he will quite possibly hurt me *grins*), even with that WIDE range of things he can do.  I trust him more than I have anyone else specifically because I DON’T have to set those “You’re in control, except…” boundaries on him and he still makes us both grow – happy, safe, fulfilled, excited, and he keeps us moving forward.  So, for me… My trust is not  grounded in his total honesty.

It seems like an odd concept, doesn’t it? 

It even sounds odd to me, given what I have grown up hearing and believing to be “true” about honesty and trust and their relationship.

But I don’t think it’s odder than saying you can be safe with a man who hits you.  I say that. I know a lot of you say that too.  It’s TRUE for us!   And it’s even true when I drag my feet or cry or feel I don’t WANT to be hit – I am still 100% SAFE with him…  But many people would scowl, disagree, think we’re out of our minds, in need of help. Many people would decide we are “wrong” no matter what we say, or what evidence we present.

It would be disappointing, I think, if people did the same thing to me for saying any of the following:

• I can be safe with a man who hits me.
• I can love a man who humiliates me.
• I can trust a man who is dishonest with me.

Etc.

If you don’t feel safe with a man who hits you… I am on your side.  Get away from that man! If your relationship depends on non-violence?  Of course if won’t work if someone won’t meet that need.  Same with honesty.  If you need an honest partner?  Go for it!  Get it!  And don’t settle for less! 

But this is me.  This is my relationship, often roaming outside the boundaries of societal precepts.  I’m happy, I’m whole.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

And thank you, again, to everyone who shared their thoughts with me.  That’s what I love about this blog, and its readers.   I’ve learned a lot about myself just by being able to talk it through.