…and I finally find the inner kink in me has an outlet…the kink community..sex toys…omg! opened my horizons and yet, this is nothing I could feel comfortable sharing with my 1000 % vanilla wife. You would say we’ve already broken so many molds, lesbians making a life together for so long, finally married 5 years ago when our state made it legal. But… we’ve been sex-less for 5.5 years, when our then youngest son came home to us as a preemie and started co sleeping with us…the sex stopped. Dead. I now have my own wee room, and new (hidden) sex toys to keep me happy, and blogs like this.

A HUGE lie of omission. Would it hurt her to know that I spend a few days a week reading blogs, writing my own kinkblog, while she’s at work? Dunno, but I would guess, New England Yankee that she is, yes. Would it destroy our relationship? I don’t think so , because I’ve not actually “cheated” and had sex with another person…that would be the end right there.

I try not to lie to my kids, coworkers, friends. But if one of them said to me, “hey did you like my carrot cake” and I could barely choke it down, you can be certain that I’d say I loved it! And I’d take the recipe too!

Now, ladies…

How can that be? Is it possible this started with a misunderstanding and grew from that?

You were once friends and you are both bright, caring, wise women. I even think you are drawn to each other. The sticking point seems to be that Sara is a proponent for monogamy and DD and Swan is a proponent for polygamy and M/s. I don’t think either of you mean to step on the other one’s toes when you express enthusiasm about your own beliefs. I think what happened is, because your core beliefs differ, it stings when you realize your beliefs clash at times.

I think this because I’ve done this myself and realizing it was a revelation for me.

I wish one of you would email the other and extend the olive branch. We are such a small group, we submissive or slave or DD or whatever term you want to use, women like us. So similar in our need to please our men at any cost. That is the true core, is it not? The rest is as nothing compared to that, right?

You’re both much more alike than not. We all are.

I mean, honestly, if you two don’t make up, I’ll have to start singing Kum-Bai-Ya or calling everyone “sisters” or some such shit and everyone will start throwing up. Now, *nobody* wants that! Fair warning, I’ll friggin’ do it, too! ;P

I was married to a liar, a cheater. They start small, see what you will tolerate. If you have the deception kink and you play on that field help yourself. But that is not where you find security or longevity.

There is no cool way to lie to me.

P

~ just sayin’…

I give you her own words…

“Lies, untruths, make …the relationship unstable…erodes the shared reality…will stand between you…You will need to …protect yourself. I wouldn’t want that in my relationship…My husband could…does not assume the right to lie to me, nor would I accept that…He …commits to that for US”

Everyone, of course, should feel entitled to structure relationships that meet their needs. However, I am becoming tired of continually encountering Sara’s condescending and all-knowing tone whenever I comment here. She makes her relationship into what she wants it to be. That is just fine. That does not and should not make her the final arbiter on what is good and not good in relationship dynamics for everyone else.

swan

I think this confluence of truth and honesty and trust is simultaneously more complex and simpler than most people would imagine. I believe that is even more true within relationships that are grounded in intimate power exchange.

I am one of those who lives inside a power dynamic that does implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) include the right for Master to lie if He chooses to do that — whenever and about anything. I am not saying that He DOES do that, but He surely could if He so chose.

There have been times when I’ve struggled with that reality; when I’ve worried about whether He was telling me the truth; when I’ve felt that He somehow owed me that “honesty” thing that everyone says is so crucial as the foundation for trust.

We have, most of us, a culturally instilled belief that honesty is important and valuable. Like so many other shared tenets of culture, the belief that honesty is a keystone of a good relationship is something that we acquire very early in our lives — well before we are old enough to consider the validity of that cultural norm with any sort of dispassionate eye.

As you indicate with your (brilliant) scale of escalating untruths, dishonesty is not one thing. There are some who would declare that a “lie is a lie,” and that all lies are effectively created equal, but I just don’t FEEL it that way. If you tell me that you are wearing blue socks when, in fact, you are wearing black socks — it is an untruth that does not come anywhere close to the level of seriousness that I’d attach to my banker telling me that I’d written checks that caused my account to become overdrawn when in fact he’d actually embezzled my funds.

I really believe that the perennial discussion about truth and honesty and trust is actually about what is it that would be a “deal breaker” for any one of us within these kinds of relationship. The power to insist that someone be absolutely transparently honest (in whatever way we define that) is a major bit of control that may be relinquished when entering into a power dynamic. Doing that may be a sign of “trust.” On the other hand, failing to do that most assuredly gives the nominally submissive partner a huge measure of leverage and power to define what is and is not acceptable behavior on the dominant side of things.

If I were trying to diagnose, I’d suggest that your sense of being HAPPY with Antonio’s admission without apology is a sign of your having reached a point in the relationship where you are willing to trust him enough to relinquish the “normal” social requirement for unfailing honesty. It isn’t all that hard to understand. Within our kind of relationship, we let go of all sorts of socially/culturally assumed requirements.

swan

But I found that out AFTER I’d already left. Which, in hind-sight, was better to find out after I’d already left…maybe. (I’m still in two minds about it…)

Trust once broken is a very difficult thing to rebuild. I do get how Antonio not apologizing and stuff made it better for you though- it’s like if they’re going to be falliable, they’ve got to do it in a cool, domly way