Here is my current situation, in bullet-form:
- I have no money. My car payment is late and my bank account is bleak. Life sucks when you’re poor. I’m getting by, but barely. Things should get better if I can tutor more, and I’m working for Mom at least 20 hours next week and that’s $400 cash right there.
- I have no car. The break lights are out and I have to wait for m father to fix them – and he’s traveling for the next week. I’m borrowing my brother’s car in the meantime, strictly to get to work and back.
- I work all the damn time as is… PLUS…
- I promised my boss I’ll cover shifts if (when) the other overnight girl at work gets terminated (which will be Sunday night or Monday morning) because I DESPERATELY need the overtime. And my assistant manager was put on probation yesterday. We may be two staff short come Monday, and we only have six staff members.
- Antonio is driving (a looong way) to his hometown because of a family situation. He will be about 5 hours from where I live.
Now, I felt secretly whiny about this… Knowing he would be within driving distance of me and I wouldn’t get to see him? That was hard. But I knew this was him-and-his-family time. Not me-and-him time.
So I busied myself with work, I planned to have stuff to do. AND, as if to really drive the point home, this week I ended up with absolutely no money, and no car. I was thinking, well, it’s for the best. I couldn’t have seen him even if I wanted to. I’m stuck, so he may as well have been on the moon this weekend. All is well.
Right? Ha, no.
Because yesterday he asked me what my work schedule was going to be like next week. I told him I had no idea owing to the fact that a third of the staff was probably going to be fucked up, fired, on probation or whatever. So my schedule is up in the air until Monday when the office opens and decides the fate of the stupider members of staff at our house. Being as my manager said to me the other night, “You do know there are only two normal people working here. And we’re talking to each other…” I have basically put myself on call in case she needs me…
Then he said, “I was thinking of having you meet me after work Monday morning. We could hang the day (and night) and then you can be back home (or work) the next day.”
That was enough to want to make me shoot myself. But did he stop there? No… No of COURSE he didn’t. He promised me all kinds of filthy things. He promised no mercy for my mouth or ass. He promised to smack the ever-loving shit out of me. He promised to treat me like a whore, and he promised to really push my abilities to drink piss.
And the thing is? Short of me walking out on my job, robbing a bank, and stealing a car – I just don’t know how I can possibly get to him on Monday. I can’t, in fact. I have no car, I have no money, I have commitments to be on-call for work.
But SWEET MARY MOTHER OF FUCK... I NEED to see him.
I feel like a highly trained dog behind a piece of bullet-proof glass, watching my owner beckon me from the other side. I feel like a magnet, aching, longing, needing to press against nearby metal, but there is something between us, preventing the union I’m seeking with every fiber of my being.
And last night, he said, “Well, I guess I won’t be seeing you on Monday.” Like it was nothing. “That’s life” he says. Like he doesn’t care. “Oh well,” he says, like it meant nothing to him to begin with.
I know that’s just how he handles everything. Once a Marine, always a Marine, and he doesn’t bitch and moan. EVER. It’s just not part of his makeup to EVER whine or sulk or get upset over things he can’t control. He just ACCEPTS it. Almost with no emotion. Maybe that’s because he exercises such precise control over the things he CAN control. I don’t know. All I know is he brushed off the news that we couldn’t see each other like it was just a crumb on his shirt.
But me? I feel absolutely fucking gutted. I’ve cried twice this morning already. (Which sucks doubly because while doing some yard work the other day, I managed to get poison ivy on my fucking EYELID. I hate life right now, can you tell?) Yesterday, before I talked to him, I was just upset, and a bit desperate. Today? I feel so lousy I don’t know where to begin. I just HURT.
This is MY fault, but not because of anything I did or didn’t do. I feel like I have dropped the ball, I have screwed up, I have FAILED. And yet? Unlike in another situation where I may have failed, there isn’t anything I can do to fix this and there isn’t anything I could have done to prevent it. I can usually sit and lament the things I did wrong, but I can’t even do that this time.
We won’t see each other, and though I didn’t create the situation, it is on ME.
I am guilty, but not responsible.
I can tell you this much – it doesn’t feel much better than just plain “guilty.”
Your eyelid is the worst, and least expected place to get poison ivy and that sucks. I don’t think anyone ever worried about it!
Reply
umm, read this a few times, not getting the whole “you’ve failed” bit. Sounds to me like you’re working your arse off trying to sort things out. And if he has a car, and you do NOT -would it not just be logical for him to come to you?? Sweetie, you’re not guilty of anything except being broke and over-worked! hugs.
Reply
You’re not guilty. Life is like this. Yeah, it sucks.
My Master is just like your Antonio; he would be a bit disappointed but not overly so. Why are they like this? Because, you’re right: they have no control over it, they realize this, and they are able to let it go.
And guess what? Neither do you have any control over it. But that doesn’t make you guilty of anything, except maybe loving him really, really lots and lots.
It’s just fate. *hugs*
Reply
Awww, I adore you guys!
@HouseWench – I thought I was being so careful… I had sprayed the poison ivy with RoundUp and waited until it died. Then I went out and tore it out of the ground and off the trees. (I would have just let it rot, except my kitty is an outdoor kitty, and she climbs trees and rubs everything (because EVERYTHING belongs to her, you see) and once, years ago, I kissed her adorable head and got poison ivy on my LIPS. That was hell on Earth, lemme tell ya.) After tearing it down and throwing it in the woods, I stripped my clothes, the gloves, scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed myself, etc. But I guess I must have unconsciously touched my eye or my glasses or something before stripping… And then didn’t scrub my eyelid. Argh! It’s up in my eyebrow too and I want to itch my whole eye region clear off my face.
@selkie – Thank you! I know I didn’t fail, I KNOW it… I mean, logically, I know I did nothing wrong, I tried my best and that’s all it takes to meet his expectations – my very, very best effort. But… Even though I know that… There is something that aches in me when he says “I want this” and I have to say “I can’t do it.” And, about the car/driving thing… It would be wonderful if he had the free time to drive up to see me. But he is already driving 12 hours from home to where he is staying with family. He has very limited time to take off work. (Which is why he is leaving Friday morning at 4:00am and heading back home Tuesday.) And if he came to me, it would tack on 10 extra hours of drive time… Five hours to get to me, then his 12 hour drive home would be increased to 17 hours… I can’t wait for the day when we’re, at most, a few rooms apart again, not a thousand miles! Soon enough… Within the next 9 months, I’d say, and hopefully sooner!
@DK – Sometimes I think your Master and Antonio are secretly brothers or something. Heh… They have always struck me as very similar, right down to their phrasing. And about the guilt thing? Sometimes it’s a giant pain in my ass. I don’t want to feel upset and like I let him down over something I can’t control. I want to be able to just accept that this is life, and we just have to deal. Like he does. But sometimes I think it’s a delicate balance between caring about how things turned out and being able to accept them at the same time. I clearly have not mastered the balance, but sometimes I’m afraid to try, for fear I might go too far the other way and end up not caring about outcomes that I could have worked to make better… (One skill I DO have is complicating things that do not require it, as you may be able to tell. Because I’m sure he wouldn’t let me get blasé about not doing my best!)
All right all, I’m gonna go have some soy pudding and try not to think about all the time with him (and his cock) I’m gonna be missing out on. But it’s hard. Especially when I go and do stupid things like type “him and his cock” and “hard” right before I attempt to not think about things like that… Hrm… Lookit that, I’m a moron…
Reply
Smile sweetheart, you didn’t do anything wrong. Not that I could see. I’m back blogging now and I promise to be around more and to comment more and I still owe you an email.
Love
Lisa
xox
Reply
i’m adding in my 2 cents worth of: you didn’t do anything wrong to feel guilty about. it’s life, it totally and completely sucks sometimes – but it’s not your fault that the car needs work and you’re out of funds until payday. hell, i had to pay the movers with my sister’s credit card – because i’m still waiting for my school to cough up the rest of my loan money. it’s life. it’s a four-letter word for a reason!
smile – and think of how good it’ll be the next time you do get to see Antonio! an extra-hard, yummy, ass fuck to make up for missing this one!!
~lexa, who’s totally bummed about the lack of help with the unpacking
but wishes you luck with the crazy work schedule coming soon.
Reply
Awwwww *pet pet* distance is just plain hard. You are allowed to feel sad and miss him and knowing you are both close but circumstances suck is doubly hard but you haven’t failed. You just miss him thats all, plain and simple it’s called love x
Reply