(Alternate title: Why I Love My Mother & Co.)

So, right before the Fourth, I went over to my mom’s house. And I figured this conversation was as good as any to explain why I love and adore my mom so very much.

She had two of her friends over… Her former college roommate I call Skid. (She’s awesome.) And their friend Milton. (He is also awesome.) And then my mom. (The epitome of awesome.)

Here’s how it went down:

Mom: Honey go look in your room! Look on your window seat!

Me: *expecting a present* Okay!

Me: *BLOODCURDLING SCREAM*

Mom: *utterly delighted with herself* Isn’t he GREAT?

Me: He’s a fucking mannequin! Why is he in my room? More to the point, what the hell are you doing with a MANNEQUIN in the first place?

Mom: I ordered him online. Look at his little melon head! It’s small, just like his feet, see? It’s so he can be dressed easier.

Me: Truly outstanding… But you don’t honestly think that passes for an explanation, do you?

Mom: Well, I’m going to *pauses for dramatic effect* cover him in moss so he’s a moss-man! The moss is arriving in a couple days. I ordered it online too. Then I’m going to make another, covered in sand. And another, and he’ll be a mosaic-man! Harrison said I should make about a dozen and put them all around the backyard.

Me: Harrison thinks fecal humor is the height of comedy too, yanno.

Mom: *tilts head* Fair point. Wanna go say hi to The Idiots? [editor’s note: “The Idiots” is what she and her friends call themselves.]

Me: *goes out on the porch* Sup Skid. Milton. So! Who has to sleep in my room with that thing?

Milton:  *raises hand*

Me: Man, I’m sorry. That mannequin watching you sleep is, like, eight thousand bucks in therapy.

Milton: See, I think he IS therapy. Mmmmmmm…

Skid: It’s true. He’s the perfect man.

Milton: He does have a problem though… *gestures to his crotch*

Me: He’s not hung?

Skid: Not hung at ALL.

Milton: I’m sure we can fix that.

Skid: *squints at Milton* Chlo, did you touch the mannequin?

Me: Erm, yeah…

Skid: You should probably go sterilize your hands.

Me: Tsk!

I love my mother and her friends. Such insane(ly) cool people.