My experience with depression was just the opposite. I was numb, couldn’t feel or care much about people or anything. I truly couldn’t understand my friend’s grief over her parents deaths. The anti-depressants gave me back my emotions, my ability to relate to the ones I loved. I was able to grieve and cry when my father died and that was actually a blessing beyond measure to me. I still struggle with being off the meds and trying to keep in touch with my emotions. It’s so easy for me to lose that depth of experience and drift back to numbness. I need to keep balancing my life everyday.

You wrote beautifully about your experience. I hope things are better for you now. Hugs, Meow

If you are on anti-depressants, they can block those intense feelings; both the good and the bad. I’m assuming this from this part:

Chloe said: “being free from drugs, being me”

Usually that means anti-depressants.

And they do change people’s personalities; I’ve watched it now many times.

I’m not saying stop them outright, because from what you describe, you were in a seriously dark place, but…before taking anti-depressants maybe trying heavy-duty therapy is worth a shot. Yes, it’s more expensive, more work and more time but when done well, it eliminates the need for drugs and avoids the kind of experience you say you are having now. Where you miss the “you” you once were.

My brother stopped playing and writing music after he started anti-depressants, many years ago now…20 years? Not sure. He’s been on a series of them all this time. It has affected his personality greatly and he no longer seems to take real pleasure in anything. It’s almost like he’s faking it. Granted, nor does he have the dangerously plunging dives into despair, either. I get it that the point of the drugs is to avoid that.

But to never have my “real” self again, with all the warts and yes, sometimes despair but sometimes giddy heights of joy, to take all that away… Dunno. I have never wanted to do it. I’ll suffer through the dark times so I can stay *me*.

Most of all, as you say (and as my brother says and everyone I know who takes AD says) it still doesn’t take away the bad stuff. Everyone I know who is on ADs says they still have terrible times of depression and all the problems that come with that. The drugs just make it less horrible.

Which is fine, but…it pulls down everything else as well.

(If you were not talking about taking drugs for your depression, I apologize; it’s a topic near to my heart since all three sibs have taken them, or still take them, and several friends, too, all with fairly miserable results)

{{{{big hugs to you in any case}}}}} I think you’re so smart and witty and just awesome and I hope for you all good things, in all ways.