I was reading Sara’s awesome blog, specifically this post (and the other entries linked to that post, including one about a couple which had a transsexual partner), and found myself wanting to make a confession.
It’s all well and good for me to talk about the things I’m tolerant of and such, but… I DO find myself judging certain people and behaviors.
So this post might be looked at as an admission of prejudice on my part. It’s in no way me saying I’m “right” here. I’m just being honest, even if it’s embarrassing or less-than-glamorous or might invite judgments to be cast down upon me. I hope (and think) most people who read here will at least respect my efforts to keep things true..
There are only two transsexual people in my life, so I don’t profess to be an expert.
One is a very, very dear friend I call Itty. Itty is biologically female, bisexual, and one of my favorite human beings on the planet – pure magic trapped in a human body. The wrong body, as it happens. Itty is not planning on pursuing a sex-change operation, despite the confusion, pain, and discomfort of being stuck in a female body and stuck in a world where sometimes she is referred to as she, and sometimes he – by everyone from her boyfriend and her family to strangers on the street. In my head, Itty is most often “he” but when I met Antonio, Itty was struggling with trying to “force” herself to just “be” female (for private reasons I won’t get into here because they are not mine to talk about) and to embrace both sides of gender, and I would talk about her in mixed pronouns (because she did too). It confused Antonio, so he told me to just “pick” a gender. I knew it would be easier for me to just refer to Itty as female for his sake. So it says nothing about my level of respect for her, or any transsexuals, that I am referring to her as female when she feels male. Itty is okay with it, and because of that and out of habit from Antonio’s request, I’m doing it here.
I’ve learned a lot by being such good friends with her, and I am in a place where I feel I have a pretty open mind, and very little (hopefully no) prejudice about transsexuals.
There is also someone I simply “know” as being transsexual. This person is biologically male, and for the first 50 or so years of life was known as Carl. (Carl is a friend of my father, btw.) Carl got married, had children, became a firefighter and made a “male” life here in my small town. Carl, however, is now Carla.
I am unclear how far along she is in the transition from male to female, but I believe she has had a full sex-change operation. It “came out” in our small town before the operation when Carla began getting hormone therapy and wearing female clothing, makeup, and a wig outside his home, and asking to be referred to as Carla.
Now, I have no problem with this. Absolutely none. I know it must be unspeakably difficult to have to live life stuck in the wrong body. And it must be even harder to make a transition in today’s society. Especially in a small town like mine. I can’t imagine what she’s gone through. I commend her and respect her for that. Truly.
HOWEVER, I have a problem with the way Carla did this. To be more specific, when Carla did this. As I said, Carla has two children with her spouse. Nice kids from what I hear, always did pretty well in school, not super popular, not outcasts – just average kids struggling to make their way, as all kids do, through the landmines that make up high school.
Well, Carla took her transition public when the kids were in 10th grade and 11th grade. And that bothers me. I look upon that choice in timing negatively. I admit it, I do. I’m not perfect, and I have a big problem with that.
I do not see being transsexual as a choice, not in any way. But Carl lived as Carl, married with children, in society, for decades. Carl ignored, repressed, or hid feelings, urges, and an internal biological war long enough and well enough to get married and raise two children. Carl chose to make a male life, and to bring a wife and children into the equation.
So here comes my judgment – I just can’t imagine he couldn’t have kept his male appearance for two more years. I don’t see why he couldn’t let his kids become adults so if they wanted to get away – move on, move out, go to college or get a job somewhere else during the time when this would be the talk of the town – they could.
Obviously, he didn’t wait. Or maybe it could be said he waited far too long. I don’t know. I just know that his children are the object of incredible talk and ridicule now. Hell, they’re the topic of this blog, and they don’t even know it. They are taunted and whispered about behind their backs, and degraded right to their faces. They are hurt and harassed teenagers. I know the source of this is a sickness within humanity, not within Carla or her kids, but naming the source doesn’t eliminate the pain they feel.
And I admit, a LARGE part of me is screaming “They are hurt and harassed largely due to a choice in TIMING. And dammit, parents shouldn’t DO that to their kids!”
Now… Granted, I don’t know if they all sat down and talked about this and Carla and her wife asked the kids how they felt. I don’t know if the kids were consulted, counseled, or questioned. They might have been all for it. I have no idea. I guess I just find it hard to believe that a parent, of any gender or sexuality, would have even brought that to the table. If I were a parent, I hope I wouldn’t put any sort of burden on my children like that. The burden of guilt or the burden of making it “their” choice if he does it now or later. I just… I feel lost for words, here.
I guess I feel once you become a parent, your number one duty is to protect your child from harm as much as possible. Go ahead and let kids scrape their knees – everyone’s got to learn some lessons firsthand – and sometimes your kids are going to fall despite your best efforts, but for goodness’s sake, don’t trip them!
Maybe Carla had just gone so long living in a body that had betrayed her that she had to do this, or she feared she would commit suicide or something, and she felt this WAS in the best interests of her children in the long run. But… Still… I just… I don’t know.
It feels WRONG of me, to say I think she should have continued life as a male for another 24 months. The free spirit and loving liberal in me wants to say “Of course she should make the change! As soon as she was ready, willing, and able to make it! Welcome to the REAL you, Carla!” But… try as I might, I can’t fully embrace that.
I feel for his children, and I guess what it boils down to is that I feel more for them than I do for her. It’s not even like they were infants and Carla decided she couldn’t live the lie of being male anymore way back then… It was just two years, in the context of having gone 50+ already. I think he should have told them his feelings, his plans, his turmoil…
And then he should have told them: “So I’m going to do this, when you’re both out of high school and can make the choice as adults to stay or to distance yourself from this town. I hope you’d never feel the need to distance yourself from this family, but if you need distance from the people here who will come after you because of me, I want you to be able to do that. I want to give you the opportunity, as your parent, to avoid as much of this as possible. You’re already going to have to deal with the personal side of this, and plenty of societal backlash for the rest of your life – bringing home friends from work or college, bringing home boyfriends of girlfriends to meet the family, etc. But as your parent, I’m going to make a sacrifice of 24 months of my time to make this easier on you. You will face persecution for this, for something you had no hand in, no choice about, no influence… But I brought you into this world, and I’m not going to make it harder for you to exist in it, not on purpose or without just cause.”
He didn’t. I judge him for it.
Chloe, it is my opinion that without making judgements we sink into chaos. As people, as bosses, as a society. I don’t think your judgement that Carl should have waited has anything to do with his sexual change, but rather his role as a father. I have to say I agree 100%. If Carl chose to move to Tahiti, become a street musician, or move to a nudist colony, we would expect him to consider how it would effect his children and to act in their best interests. Parents are people too, but I believe that unless their absolute health or sanity is at stake, they owe their kids to out them first. He did not, and he is wrong. (And btw, EVEN if his kids did agree – which I doubt – they do not have the judgement as teens to understand the fallout and pain that would ensue. Bad parenting is just bad parenting!
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Well, the only thing I have to compare this to on a personal level is when I left my kids’ dad and moved out onto my own. My kids were 21 and 17, my son finishing up his junior year in high school.
I’m not going to compare the pain and confusion Carla’s children must be going through to the emotional upheaval children (of any age) go through from a divorce. I’m sure Carla’s kids are feeling greater pressure and nasty jokes, etc., because sex change ops are going to invite a lot more snide comments than divorce.
Still, my children were hurt by my leaving and the subsequent gossip from neighbors and family over why. Because I was the one who left, I was painted the “bad guy” and there wasn’t much I could do about it at first. This hurt my children deeply and I knew it would. I knew I was going to hurt my children by leaving and that was the biggest reason why I didn’t leave for so long. I kept thinking, all I have to do is wait a few years more and they’ll be grown.
So I did wait. I tried to wait all the way.
But what I didn’t take into account was how bad I would start to feel. Suicidal thoughts became a daily, sometimes hourly part of my life for years before I finally left; because I felt I was living in hell, that I was living a lie and I was trapped.
I assume people with sex orientation issues must feel a similar kind of pressure; that they are trapped, that they cannot stand each day living a lie.
There came a point for me where I knew I had to leave or I felt I would die. It’s not a comfortable feeling, that. And yes, btw, I was in therapy at the time but I was afraid to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts. I am a people pleaser and that goes for pleasing my therapist, too! LOL! (Yes, counter-productive but true)
And frankly, the days of my kids needing me so much was long gone. Most teens are really busy with their own lives; sports and school and friends, they drove and they had events all the time. They had sig others at that age they were very involved with, too. It was a rare night when we would all be together anymore and I imagine Carl and his wife were/are in the same boat.
And, although that’s as it should be, gradually losing the kids as they were doing so many more things on their own,it made me feel even more isolated and even more lonely and scared. And increased my panic and isolation and suicidal thoughts.
I’m sure Carl didn’t make this decision lightly and he didn’t want to hurt his children. But for me, I finally came to the point where I had to go. I felt I had to change my life or die, it was that bad. And looking at the kids with their happy lives and friends and activities made me realize they would be okay.
I was the one who was not okay so I was the one who had to take action for *me* and put me first for a change.
I’ve often felt guilty over the pain I caused my children but I’ve never regretted it and they are much happier for me today. And it didn’t take long for them to see my new happiness after I left, either.
But yeah, at the beginning, it was rough on everyone and there was much gossip they had to deal with. They got through it okay and I thank god it all worked out the way it did.
So I have sympathy for Carla and his/her family and I hope they all grow through this and find peace on the other side.
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I don’t know Carla. I don’t know this family. Truthfully, I don’t know the community. All I know is the picture that you paint.
I read this earlier, and I just wasn’t sure what words would make it clear how I am seeing this…
I understand that, regardless of the size or composition of the community, it is likely that there will be significant fallout when someone opts for a sex-change. I’d imagine that beginning with the person who undergoes the physical change, and spreading out to all those that love and care about them, there will be plenty of hurt to go around. It is a sad truth about living in our society.
But, I disagree that, in making this decision at this time, Carla necessarily created avoidable and irreprable hurt for the high school age young people in her family.
In my view, teens, assuming they do not have issues that make them emotionally fragile, are old enough to begin to know how the world ACTUALLY is. They are old enough to be given the whole story — to be told the truth. Truth isn’t always easy, pretty, or comfortable. Sometimes the truth is difficult, and if a person is going to tell the truth and stand up for themselves in the doing of that, it is possible that small-minded people will say and do hurtful things.
I am going to choose to believe that Carla and her wife know the strength and character of their children. I am going to assume that they had no illusions about the kindness of their neighbors. I can imagine that it is just possible that they chose to “honor” their children with sharing the truth with them about who they really are. That sort of parenting means that we have to give young people the kind of support and coaching that allows them to work their way through the thoughtlessness and hostility that comes to those who are guilty of being different in the world. Perhaps it would have been easier to shelter and protect these adolescents, but an adolescent is a hair’s breath away from being and adult. Keeping the secret for a couple more years might very easily have sent the message that there is “shame” in knowing who you are and moving to accept and value that. It might have been easier for all concerned to simply allow the “kids” to move away, but they’d have been denied the opportunity to stand as one with their parents through this life changing and life affirming transition.
You might be right. Those young people might be feeling beat up and beat down and terribly ashamed and wounded as a result of this passage. But isn’t it just possible that they’ve found their strength, their courage, and their hearts instead?
swan
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Teens are not “almost adults”. We now know brain development goes into the early 20’s. Teens are developing people who still need parental protection. Obviously, if a parent is ill, emotionally or physically, then there is just nothing to be done.I do not believe that should to be used as a licence to do what you “feel” like and put your happiness or personal fulfillment before that of your children.
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Sara, Carla/Carl was/is still there for his children; he/she didn’t abandon them or stop protecting them. Just as I didn’t abandon my children, either. I was still there for them every day, saw both kids every day, my son moved in with me when I got situated, and my 21 y/o daughter ended up renting the house next door to me, lol! I was, and still am, their mom, their emotional support, everything I ever was. That didn’t change.
Leaving their dad simply meant I left their dad. It didn’t mean I left *them*.
Best of all, when Dan and I moved in together and then got married, my kids got to see what a loving marriage was really like. That first year, I remember the shock on their faces when they would get snotty with me and Dan would demand they treat me with respect, and as they watched Dan in turn treat me with respect and love as well. Their father had never done that, you see. Didn’t treat me with respect and didn’t correct them when they didn’t show me respect.
I know that their own choices in their spouses reflect much more what Dan and I have than what their Dad and I had. I know because they have told me so. And I thank god they have had the opportunity.
If I had stayed and continued to put my kids’ feelings ahead of my own, they never would have witnessed from one of their parents what a healthy marriage looks like when they were still young enough for it to make a difference. If I had waited until they were 25 and older before I left, they would have been much more likely to be set in their own ways with partners who would almost certainly reflect the unhealthy marriage I had with my ex instead of the happy relationship I have with Dan today.
So, yes, in my case, putting my feelings as a neglected, emotionally abused wife ahead of my feelings as their protective mother was the right thing to do. Although our kids certainly didn’t think so at the time.
If Carl/Carla was so unhappy and depressed as Carl to the point that it was affecting everything in his life negatively, including his parental abilities, that’s a valid reason to make a change.
I’m not saying everyone should just “do whatever they want to” and run off willy-nilly without considering the consequences just because “I hurt inside, wah wah wah”. But it’s easy to make a blanket statement like “don’t put your own happiness above your childrens’” because the truth is, sometimes you have to put your own life ahead of your child’s because our children cannot always understand what is going to make them, and us, happiest in the long run.
I don’t know Carl/Carla. For all know he/she is a terrible parent who is selfishly choosing to hurt his/her children without caring about their feelings. I hope not but you never know about anyone, really.
But I do know me. And I know that when the awful decision was placed before me, I did what I felt was best for all, including myself.
And my instincts (and a lot of prayer) served me very well, as it turns out.
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Amber, I hope you realize I was in no way criticizing your choices. In fact, I had already said that when a parent is emotionally or physically in danger, then they just have to do what they have to do. And you already said that this applied to you, as it does to so many abused women, depressed adults, etc. Yes, sometimes you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can be there for your children. Life is not simple or perfect, and the very best of us can only do our best.
I just feel the last 30-40 yrs in our society has been a run of ‘me’ generations who value our personal happiness over that of our families or children. Most marriages dissolve and most people don’t stay married long enough for their children to near adulthood. Most people are also not abused or suffering to the point of not being able to function. Further, this story was not about an emotional illness or divorce, but a person choosing to change their whole life from the inside out. The emotional and physical changes required in sex change are vast and consuming. I still think that a father would do better, if it is at all possible, to make that sort of change, one which will stress himself, his family, his children and their community, after the children are grown, out of the house, off to college, whatever.
Neither of us know the reality of Carl’s life, so the whole thing is hypothetical anyway. If I had a choice regarding any very major life choice change, I would make it after my children were launched, again, if there was any way to do that. I feel that parenting my children is a solemn commitment, as think I know you do too, from reading your blog.
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But, Sara…I wasn’t in danger. I knew exactly what to do to keep things going; all I had to do was leave him alone. It was very simple and worked well for years.
And all Carl had to do was keep pretending. You know?
Carl couldn’t pretend anymore and neither could I.
Neither of us was in “danger” as long as we played by the rules.
But sometimes…you can’t play by the rules anymore.
As far as Carla’s situation being hypothetical, well…not for Carla.
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“Suicidal thoughts became a daily, sometimes hourly part of my life”
Amber, that’s in danger.
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Amber: Thanks for providing so much insight on what had to be a painful chapter of your life when you decided to leave. I’m glad that you found love and happiness and your kids got a chance to see what a loving marriage is like.
As far as Carl, what’s the old saying that until you’ve walked in a man’s shoes it’s hard to understand what they’re going through is appropriate in this case.
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Sara, that’s my point.
I think if you asked Carl about how bad he felt before he made the decision, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he had also felt suicidal many times over being trapped in the wrong gender. I’ve had I don’t know how many people confess to me that they have had suicidal thoughts at rough times in their lives too, after I’ve talked about my feelings. There is a social stigma against admitting thoughts like that, I think. It’s not as uncommon as one might think.
Hell, I love men but I’d certainly feel suicidal if I *was* one. Hard to imagine what it would be like to feel I’m the wrong gender, truly. I’m so connected to being female, I love everything about it. To *not* be one…that would be really really hard.
Florida Dom, thanks. I’ve gone through a lot of guilt over the years, because I do believe marriage *should* be forever if at all possible and only recently have I come to understand more about what happened, and why, and stop berating myself about my decision.
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