This is a slight aside.  And hence, shortish.  (Omg, I know.)

Dinora’s comment (on my last post) about liking the falcon analogy prompted me to want to post this.

A reminder of Antonio’s analogy:

If a falcon is kept tightly tethered to the wrist for too long, it is no longer effective as a falcon but becomes merely an ornament.

I think it’s actually a useful analogy in BOTH directions.  My Man doesn’t happen to want an ornament.  But there’s a whole lot of NOTHING wrong with a person who does.  Obviously.

It’s kind of hot, actually, to think of breaking a bird of prey until it IS nothing more than an ornament, dontcha think?

I do, at least…   It may not be in my future – *tiny fantasy-loss sulk* – but I still think it’s hot as hell.

Basically, I really hope no one thinks I’m saying Antonio’s way is THE way and everyone else can go eat mud.  I’m definitely not.  It’s just the way for him and, thus, the way for me – whether I like it or not.

I think it’s just as awesome, and just as slave-like (subservient, submissive, etc. – and oh, jeez, there I go with Antonio’s “etc.” AND his “jeez” and OMG IT’S LIKE HE’S IN MY HEAD), to become the ornamental falcon vs. the huntress falcon.

If HE commands it and YOU do it?  I think it’s probably the way to go, no matter what “it” is.

There’s no “ur doin’ it wrong” ‘round these parts… But I was beginning to fear it might sound like it from all my out-loud attempts to reinforce in my own head that I am doing it right.

And, on the off chance I AM doing it right?  I’m only doing it right for me.  I sincerely hope no one thinks I’m ever saying I’m doing it right for everyone…

(This *might* have been my paranoia talking that made me want to qualify all this.  So there’s truly no need to tell me, “Dude, Chloe, we got it.  We – unlike you – were not dropped on our heads daily as infants.  So we – unlike you – don’t have your blog confused with a pulpit, soapbox, or a big vat o’ koolaid.  And even it if were?  We ain’t drinking it.  Silly!”)

P.S. – I’m totally at work right now.  Heh.

I thought it was important (at least to me) to use some of Antonio’s words as an adjunct to my last post.  (I’ll get to the comments soon, I promise! I have to get to work though, so a general THANK YOU to everyone for now.)

His initial instructions read like this:

Okay, I’ve been thinking. Remember I said that our relationship is first and the DS stuff is second etc? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that the whole Master/slave thing is hobbling you. It’s hindering you from growing, evolving and being a more complete, whole person.

You said a while back that it’s weakened you in some ways, and I now see that you’re right. You need to learn to be able to make decisions, to think, to act. Letting me do all the thinking and decision-making for you was good in the beginning when you weren’t doing too good, but you have grown since then and you’re much, much better now and I think you’re ready to take this next step.

You are no longer a slave. Of course, you’re still submissive to me etc. but I’m giving you more leeway to make decisions and learn from them. To see the effects of your decisions and actions and so learn from them and grow.

You can change your work schedule etc. if you want.

You can make any decisions affecting yourself. Of course, if you need advice or counsel or input, ask away.

Also you no longer need to write a daily schedule every day, but can write a daily summary if you have something on your mind that day.

You no longer have to text me every morning, or whenever. You can text whenever you like, of course, like a normal couple, but you’re no longer under orders to do this.

It’s time for you to take the next step.

Evolve.

And… To me… That last part read blissfully like an order or two.  But the whole thing still freaked me out.  (Incidentally, if anyone has noticed that I say “etc.” in here a lot – it’s HIS fault.  He says it ALL the time, and I caught it from him.)

After I made a “broken bones, and how you need to walk on the cast before they are fully healed” analogy, he went on to further explain (with emphasis added by ME):

Part of this is that you must overcome your fears. That’s your biggest hurdle and with me protecting you and guiding you, you’ll never do that. Your analogy’s pretty correct.

You’ve got to use those injured limbs – even if it hurts. No, even more so if it hurts, cuz they’ll never gain back their strength and grow if you don’t.

And, through a lot of my freaking out, he said things like this:

You have to stop looking at life as if it’s a test. Life isn’t a choice between getting what you want and killing yourself. You come across like that sometimes.

You didn’t fail at anything. But by giving up your will, you’ve removed all responsibility and capacity to learn and grow. While it strengthened you in some aspects, it’s weakened you in that aspect.

And this:

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Wow! Jeez, kitten, stop over-analyzing things.

Uh, no, I’m not playing some twisted mind game. I’m not into mind games.  I’m not trying to “trick” you. Hahahahahahaha!

You can do what makes you happy – but do it cuz it makes you happy. Not cuz you have to do it or cuz you’re just blindly following orders. If it gives you comfort to address me as Sir or text – fine.

Like I said, I don’t have a need to be addressed as Sir. You know your place as well as I. It’s who we are. It exists without resorting to titles and protocol.

If you call me [Antonio], does that make you feel less submissive? Does that mean somehow that you love me less? Of course not.

And the texting thing, while a means of asserting my control and dominance, was also a way of keeping tabs on you while you were going through a tough time in your life. You’re in a much better place now.

You can still text whenever you want, but it’s no longer mandated. I trust you to be able to do the right thing on a day-to-day basis and not have to check with me every step of the way.

If a falcon is kept tightly tethered to the wrist for too long, it is no longer effective as a falcon but becomes merely an ornament.

So!  He’s not into me as just an ornament. I have to serve a purpose, too… I have to hone my hunting skills, or I become useless to him.  And that is the LAST thing I want to be.  I don’t want to be a free falcon.  But I certainly don’t want to be a useless one.  I guess, to serve him according to HIS needs, I have to zoom off every once in a while.  I’m just a lazy homebody of a bird, and perched on his arm is my comfort zone.  But I’d be seriously useless as an owned bird of prey if I didn’t follow orders and fly off when he tells me to…

I like when he uses metaphor and analogy – it helps me see things.

Our dynamic runs deeper than the day-to-day stuff.  His dominance is not heightened by controlling minutia.  It’s a hassle for him to have me hanging every teeny decision on him, to be shaky and stupid when I have to check with him on every little thing, and when I become incapacitated if I can’t for a particular task/item/choice.  It does not enhance me as a slave, a submissive, or a partner when I become rattled over small choices.  It makes me ineffectual.

I have always known that my choices, when I’m allowed to make them, will ultimately be the subservient choices.  I simply prefer them.  I prefer to ask him permission for things.  I prefer to have his blessing and his guidance and his control.  Is it really necessary that he mandate I get them?  No, probably not.  It’s just… It’s difficult for me to imagine not “having” to even though I know I always “want” to.

It’s like… I know organic food is better for me, tastes better, feels more natural, makes my body function better…I used to eat it and it was awesome… But, for whatever reason, we introduced chemical-ridden products into our diets.  And switching back to the all-natural variety is a bit hard.  I know it’s better, I FEEL better when I’m eating pure foods… But I’m in chemical withdrawal.  And I’m reminded that a little more effort that goes into selecting the right foods, checking expiration dates more carefully, being more diligent about vitamin consumption, and being on the lookout for cupboard moths and bugs in the bulk grains.

But I know it’s worth it.  I know it’s GOOD to have to keep a closer eye on how things are going between us.  I know the organic, natural parts of our relationship have always been my favorite…

But… I dunno.  I still kinda want the goddamn Doritos, I guess.

More on all this later, I’m SURE.  For now, its off to work!