Antonio says I am no longer a slave.
Right. So. How was everyone else’s day? Good? Good.
Okay, bye!
…
…
…
Kidding. Of course I’ll ramble endlessly.
For some reason, it’s taking a very long time to get an answer about whether or not I can use Antonio’s words… Since there are about 40 billion posts brewing in my brain that can’t be posted until I explain this… I will just press on without being able to post his words and explanations verbatim.
I was scared to TELL you guys this.
I’m worried I’ll be laughed at. I’m worried I’ll be dismissed or you’ll roll your eyes and scoff at me. I’m worried I’ll be seen as a failure, as not good enough, as misguided to the point where I ruined things. I’m worried you’ll stop reading because this means I’m just not “like” you or something. I’m worried about judgments – toward me or Antonio. I don’t know. I’m just embarrassed, I guess.
You all have been wonderful and supportive, given me kicks in the ass when I need them, and have offered me insight I truly value. So I know this fear isn’t logical.
My initial reaction to this commandment of his was pure terror.
After asking him a million questions, and getting a million patient answers, I’m feeling a lot better. (And, let’s all take a minute to thank heaven my Man is as awesome as he is. The guy has been up at 4:30am, working his ass off in hot, muggy conditions every day, and is still managing to be patient with me. I’m convinced he is part cyborg.)
ANYWAY… I’m feeling better AND I spared you guys the horrific onslaught of my “OMFG THE WORLD IS ENDING” tripe of the past few days.
Waiting was totally a win-win.
I’m feeling better because I honestly feel the “you are no longer a slave” thing was really to get my attention. Because, basically, it’s just a removal of protocol and rules – not an alteration in how we feel about each other, how we react as naturally dominant/submissive people. And he asked me, as I was freaking out about things, if it made me feel ANY less submissive not having to follow certain rules, not having to address him a certain way, or ask him permission to do certain things…
Pffft. No. Of course it doesn’t.
I was never one who drew submissive or slave strength from rules and protocols. It comes from within me, from within my connection to Antonio. And that hasn’t changed. And it’s not like I’m not allowed to ask him permission, or call him Sir, or do everything as I know he likes it done. I can.
So, you might be asking yourself, if feelings haven’t changed, what’s his motivation here for giving the leash way too fucking much slack?
Well… In essence, I have not become the person he wants me to be.
I came to him a very broken girl. I did a lot of healing, that’s true. But I’ve arrived at a point where I’ve been stymied. I don’t know which it is – I’m either actively using slavery to prevent myself from healing completely, or slavery is, by its very nature, hobbling me. I guess it doesn’t matter.
I have things about me I need to change. Things about me I want to change, but, more importantly, things about me HE wants me to change. However, I can’t change them when I don’t hold any personal control over myself.
So while I don’t feel any differently toward him, I still treat him and his opinion with the utmost deference and respect, I have to make my own choices about things for now. I have to do things because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to… Temporarily, I hope.
(I won’t lie, I’m praying fervently – to gods I don’t even believe in – that I can make the changes he wants me to make quickly, and get back to a place where I “have” to do things. I don’t need that stuff to feel more owned by him, but dammit I LIKE it.)
But for now… I have to learn from my own mistakes, and in order to do that, I have to be given the opportunity to MAKE my own mistakes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m nowhere NEAR 100% comfortable with this. Of course there are paranoid thoughts… Like, he’s preparing me for letting me go, omg… But that one is too stupid and heartless to even finish thinking about. I know it’s categorically not true.
Then there are others – embarrassment, like I just wasn’t cut out to do this “right.” Or the fear that I simply failed at something; I failed at being good for him in the role he truly wanted me in so he had to drop me down a notch.
I feel like I have to turn in my membership card to the Slave Club or something. It’s embarrassing. I am REALLY embarrassed. I know that’s stupid, but I can’t help it.
I just keep wondering – Have I failed?
He laughs and assures me I haven’t, and that this is not some mind-fuck test or a failure, just a natural alteration he has made, designed to make me and him happiest in our natural roles in the long run. (Then he makes somewhat snarky remarks about me obviously spending too much time with those involved in teh drama of BDSM on teh interwebs… Hmph.)
But, because of how subservient I feel toward him – with or without protocols and rules and titles – I’m obviously going to make a conscious effort to do the very best I can at this, no matter how embarrassed or uncomfortable I feel, for him, for myself, and for us.
It’s just that… I have to admit, part of me feels a little empty and aimless now. A little colder and more alone. Embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. And I don’t like it, not one bit. I’ve just got to get past that, though, I guess. I am just not sure how.
In some ways, this whole “non-slavery-submission” feels like the biggest test my slavery can be put to. Can I handle an order to no longer be a slave - to do things because I want to, not because I have to – without knowing if it’s permanent or temporary or anything? Of course I can. Because if I CAN’T handle it? Well then, I was never really a slave to begin with then, was I?
IN SUMMARY:
There is this incredible man telling this terrified girl to make some changes by losing her comfort blanket, losing her rules and regulations, and gaining more personal responsibility for an indefinite period of time…
And for a few days I got stuck thinking “What in the HELL is that girl supposed to DO?”
But it’s really, really simple… She Obeys.
What if…what if a year from now you look back and realize this was a turning point that marks the beginning of a wonderful phase of growth and commitment between you and Antonio? What if it helps you…him, the relationship? What if it is the next step? I have no clue of the whys, wherefores or real reasons, but I do know that if you and Antonio feel it is right for the two of you…1. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, and 2. No one is thinking less of you, and 3. The name is just a vague attempt to find a way to fit with others, and means not a not a whole lot anyway. Relax Chloe!
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Right first things first, ima gonna give you a beeg squishy cyber hug.
Second: Who gives a flying fuck (my favie phrase this week) what anyone thinks about your relationship, how slavish you are or are not. Yada yada yada. It really does not matter because they are not your relationship. Period.
Third: Change is good. Yes it’s fucking scary. I hate change it turns me into a huge ball of stress. But you know something, man we grow from it. Just at the time its horrid.
You will be fine, cause even if you can’t see it I can
. xxxx
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I never really knew what I was. I never felt all that “submissive” when I was a submissive, and I never knew how to be a slave when I met Master. I’m still not sure I’m doing it right.
*slips you some hot chocolate and a snuggle*
It’ll be alright Chloe. now you don’t have to worry about being “tw00″. Hehe
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Y’know…when I was at this point a few years ago, I was scared too. But it was the right decision for me – when I was able to be responsible for myself and internalize my slavery, that’s when I truly began to appreciate it and feel it.
I think that this decision, terrifying though it may be, is a very mature and adult decision. =)
And who the hell cares if you aren’t a slave? I’d rather be in the “no-name-for-it” club than the snobs that have to live by other people’s “shoulds”.
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Who’s laughing? We love you to bits and would never laugh at anything you said (unless its cute and funny).
I’m not a slave either. But stiff shit. I’m a submissive and if people don’t like it, then that’s their problem.
Big hugs babe
xoxo
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You must be, or have been, floundering in some ways. I can’t even imagine being told I am no longer Padrone’s slave. The safety net of feeling that you know who you are, your label which creates within your relationship a defined role, defined expectations of your behavior and attitude…is suddenly stripped from you. I can imagine that *I* would be thinking (in a major panic btw) – “if I’m not SLAVE, what AM i????”
The reality is that you are the same person today that you were before having that label taken away form you. You are a submissive woman, Antonio is a dominant man, and whether or not you have an official “label” declaring you as such, you will both express those parts of your personality within the relationship. It’s just what you do.
I know it is hard to understand at the moment, but you will be alright. You will grow through this, whether you want to or not. Your relationship will change and adjust itself to differing expectations and behaviors and even a different, less formal dynamic. But as I said before, you are still you, Antonio is still himself, and the behaviors are what matters FAR more than any label.
Take care of you, and by doing so you will take care of him as well. You will find your way, your own unique way, to do whatever it is that will bring you back to a more comfortable place emotionally.
You’ve got uncharted territory to enter now, and yet if anyone can find their way through, it is you. I wish you luck and peace, Chloe.
ellen
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Okay, that’s it, I don’t like you anymore.
O_o
Puh-leeze. *grins at you*
Labels are stupid, I’ve always had a problem with them. On the other hand, they are also comforting and offer us all a chance to question and debate what they mean. Endlessly. Much to the exasperation of most doms, who don’t usually understand why we subs make such a big damn deal of it. We question and we worry and we wonder and, oh noes, are we “topping from the bottom” and “omg, am I a sub or a slave or a raspberry?” and “what am I *really*? OH TO THE NOES!” blah blah, blah-be-tee-blah
It’s not just you and I’m not picking on you; geeze, I don’t know of any subs who don’t do it; I’ve done it. I’m doing it now, much to Dan’s amusement. Yeah, it’s a dilemma. Like everything else about D/s. It is this, yet it is not this; that goes for *everything* about it.
I’m sure A is right and you need to grow in this area.
So do as you’re told. *grins*
Oh and when he said this? “snarky remarks about me obviously spending too much time with those involved in teh drama of BDSM on teh interwebs”
Yeah, well he’s right.
BDSM + Bored Subs = Teh Drama Times Infinity
You know what a “twoo” dominant/master/whateverthefuck is?
Someone who doesn’t give a damn about labels but does care about the submissive/slave/whateverthefuck’s *welfare* and *well-being*.
That’s all that matters, kiddo.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
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Ch-Ch-Ch-Chloe:
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”
I can understand why you would be scared to be so candid– but you posted it anyway, which makes you courageous too. And sometimes, even when everybody has good intentions, hurtful things can be said in the name of “help” when you are feeling incomplete and vulnerable. I think those are the things that are most scary.
“It’s just that… I have to admit, part of me feels a little empty and aimless now. A little colder and more alone. Embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. And I don’t like it, not one bit. I’ve just got to get past that, though, I guess. I am just not sure how.”
You feel like a failure. I can relate to that… so can Michael Jordan, Albert Einstein, Lucille Ball, Walt Disney, The Beatles… http://www.feld.com/wp/archives/2008/05/famous-failures.html
I’d love it if you didn’t feel that way. I certainly don’t see you as a failure– I see you as very brave. But, you do feel that way, and I’m glad you said so– I’m glad you told us. Just remember that the best, brightest and most legendary souls have all felt like failures. I would say, based on the evidence at hand, that it makes you more of a person, rather than less of one.
I was talking to a friend the other day about the gifts that we treasure. I think that it says a lot about a person, the gifts that they treasure. How many people know only to value of gold and roses because they’ve never been known well enough to be given a gift that needs context? (gold and roses are lovely, of course… don’t get me wrong) You treasured your gift, one that was very personal to you, the title of slave, something that Antonio gave you– you treasured. Also it sounds like you saw “slave” more as a title, than a label.
Now, perhaps, he is giving you a different kind of gift, but it’s completely understandable that you would mourn the loss of the gift that you treasured so much before moving on to explore the new, uncertain, foreign gift in your hands.
“I came to him a very broken girl. I did a lot of healing, that’s true. But I’ve arrived at a point where I’ve been stymied. I don’t know which it is – I’m either actively using slavery to prevent myself from healing completely, or slavery is, by its very nature, hobbling me. I guess it doesn’t matter.”
Anyhow, what I’m really trying to say is that it sounds to me like it’s the beginning of something, not the end. And it sounds like Antonio wants to give you the gift of yourself, something that he certainly cares about and cherishes. Maybe he wants you to value your gift to him as much as you value his gift to you? Are you giving him a diamond and calling it coal, or are you giving him your precious diamond because you love him so much that you want him to have something that’s precious to you? (And yes, you’re the diamond in this scenario.)
Thank you for your post.
Jane
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Well, everyone else has already said everything I thought to say, so I’ll just say, “Yeah, what they said.” grins
hugs,
butterfly
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