Comments on: EPIC FAIL

By: His bliss

His bliss — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:56:38 +0000

I, for one, love your rambling. So ramble away. We all go through this stuff and right now I am going through of some of it myself. I promise that I will email you tonight or in the morning.

Love you

xox

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:19:44 +0000

Transitions are hard… And I think the one I am facing now (and spending all kinds of time trying to explain right so I can post about it tonight/tomorrow and make a shred of sense) is probably what has made me sound so end-of-the-world-ish about things in THIS post. I know that sounds all annoyingly cryptic, but in all honesty I’m just scared to come out and say what happened following that visit, the order that came down from Antonio, for fear it will come out wrong…

Or, actually, fear I will be laughed at, thought less of, pitied, judged or a whole host of stupid things. I know I shouldn’t be thinking that, because it does my readers a disservice to assume they would be mocking or scornful over something that is upsetting me, and I truly KNOW that no one I care about who reads here will be cruel to me, but… Still. I fear it. It’s not a fear based on any action anyone here has made, ever. It’s a fear that stems from ME and from a quarter century of living with a constant litany of Reasons I Hate Myself scrolling through my head. I have had a hell of a time convincing myself that the way I feel about myself is not the way other people feel abut me.

Feeling this way about my imagined reaction people will have to what I have to say/confess/share reminds me of a time when my very best friend since I was 7 years old, asked me in our dorm room freshman year of college after 11 years of freindship through every crappy thing children,, adolescents, and teenagers have to go through: “Chloe, I love you. Do you believe that?” And I answered her honestly. I said “I believe that YOU believe you love me. I just believe you are mistaken.”

I just didn’t have it in me, anywhere, to believe that someone could have a single reason to love me, given all the things I “knew” about myself that were so horrible… And I KNEW that it was a cruel thing to say, because it made it seem like I felt SHE was failing on some level if I didn’t believe she loved me… But I just can’t HELP it sometimes. I’m too… Insane, I guess. Anyway, that’s what this fear of people’s reaction is based on. My insanity and ever present (though much diminished) self-loathing and fear.

Omg, I’m rambling like a fool.

Bah!

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:09:32 +0000

This is true… I’d have more readers, but I’d also have weirdos reading. I mean, you all are weirdos, don’t get me wrong… But I love you for your weirdness. It’s that OTHER kind of weird I don’t like.

P.S. – I wonder if people blow literal smoke up each other’s asses as a form of kink? I MUST know. God bless google…
P.P.S. – I am waiting on Antonio’s permission to use his words in a post (or two, I can’t seem to make it short enough for one) and then, I promise, I shall post full details on why I’m a lump of terrified confusion, tempered with utter conviction that this “Big Change of 2009″ (as I’m now calling it), is right. PROMISE.
P.P.P.S. – I’m aware post scripts in a comment are the epitome of unnecessary since this is digital and I can edit it before (and even after) I post, but I enjoy them, so there! :p

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:04:32 +0000

Thanks dk. And don’t worry if you don’t know what else to say – sometimes just knowing someone is reading and caring is all I need to hear.

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:03:53 +0000

Thank you, M:e, for everything. Take your time replying, no rush, I promise. I’m still composing posts and trying to see if I can get everything into two!

By: Chloe

Chloe — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:03:06 +0000

Me too. The happy happy joy joy stuff is only really AWESOME to read about when I know that person (or couple) has been through the crap, and earned their happiness (so to speak), because then it doesn’t feel like a facade, it feels like an honest emotion, and a beautiful experience and for goodness sake let’s just see how long I can go without a frickin’ period in this sentence, shall we? (Yeesh, I talk a lot, so much so I seem to think ending a sentence and starting a new one carries capital punishment or something. It’s like I was terrified to just shut up up there!)

By: Sara

Sara — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:51:48 +0000

Chloe, I am sorry you had a rough time. I can’t help but think you are being kinda hard on yourself. Contemplating so many big life changes would rattle anyone, I think. Transitions are hard, scary, and emotional fall out is bound to happen someplace sometime! Being a slave doesn’t make you less human, hmm? Hang in there!

By: Amber

Amber — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:14:24 +0000

HUGE TEASE!

I am so not a patient person. Bah!

As for the part you posted here, there is just nothing worse than when they ignore you, is there? It’s just…the worst.

I’d love to tell you it was a week of uber-awesome kink, and I’m betting more people would read this blog if I had that kind of life at the moment.

Yeah. You might get more readers if you blew smoke up your audience’s asses. But you probably wouldn’t like them very much. Heh.

By: doubleknot

doubleknot — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:46:23 +0000

Hang in there Chloe. I don’t know what else to say. Sometimes, there are growing pains. Boy, don’t I know it. *huggggs*

By: M:e

M:e — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 06:53:19 +0000

Just looking in with a BIG hug. Got your email sweety…. I’m out at meetings for most of the day, but will reply tomorrow.

love and hugs xxx