Reading other blogs (one new one in particular) has given me an insight to myself. It’s not particularly profound or flattering, but I’ll share my thoughts anyway because I’m so grateful to have had them.

I have to be the most important person in Antonio’s life in order to feel happy and whole.  And I need him to feel the same way about me.

I can’t share rank, I can’t be okay if he gives parts of himself to other people that I view as MINE.

I’m selfish.

I’m not okay with us engaging in any sort of outside romantic relationships, whatever form they may take – from random flings to the formation of a polyamorous family. That entire spectrum is off limits. Not okay with it. Nope.   If it were to happen tomorrow, I’d die. Or, at least, I’d make a solid effort to die.

But there are people who have truly beautiful relationships either with partners who are married or otherwise in relationships, or people in polyamorous families. And I know they are happy and whole.  I see it and I smile, as I do for all people who are in loving relationships.

So I sat here thinking: “I’ve got to ask myself. What does that mean about ME that I can’t be happy with that?”

I feel the need to be a “unit” with Antonio.  I feel at my very best when our relationship-attention is focused solely on each other.  I feel something very powerful when our lists of human priorities are direct mirrors.  He is my mirror. Not my opposite but my complement. My mirror.  Heck, even our birthdays are six months apart.

We are polarized personalities, and we definitely attract. Where I am sure, he is cautious. Where I am weak, he is strong. We agree on a million fundamental things from self-evident personal freedoms to comedy and those things keep us solid, and we differ on enough ideas (and ideals) to keep challenging each other (in a good way!) to grow without disliking each other.

This two-person symbiosis is sexy and sublime.

So, like I said… I want (and feel I need) to be the most important person in my Master’s life, and he in mine. I want no compromises on this, no clauses or bargains or contexts. This unit has to matter above all else, to both of us.

And that’s where the trouble comes, for me.  Because I know it’s fine for me to say “I do NOT ever want to be with another man. No way, no how. I’m owned, I’m his, that’s IT” because I know that’s what he wants from me.  I’m in line with his desires by nature not by force, and it feels perfect.

But… As I do belong to him, is it within my “rights” so to speak, to think he needs to feel the same way? I dunno.  The obvious answer is “No.”  But it was something we talked about, VERY early on, the idea of monogamy. It’s important, so of course we talked about it. And he said he was a one-woman man.  Period.  And I do trust him on that.

But I was still stuck thinking the other day… I feel it is a necessity that he continue to feel that way…  Is that selfish?  Is that immature?  Is it because I need the security in order to be calm enough to function? Is it simply a facet of me, not a good thing or a bad thing, just a THING?  Is it un-submissive or un-slavelike? Is it perfectly fine, because it’s just who I am and how I feel and something we established as we mapped out our relationship?  And on and on and on. Maybe one of those, all of those, or none of those… I don’t know.

And I’m just so terrified of it changing on his part. Not for any real reason. Just for the same reason I’m terrified that because he has a cough right now, he’s probably got that swine flu thing and is going to die, like, tomorrow. Because I’m nuts, in short.

Then I reached a conclusion.

I’m just not going to think about it.

I’m not going to figure out what it means.

I’m not going to figure out why I feel this way.

I’m not going to figure out what it says about me or us or anything.

Not not not.

I haven’t been asked to think about it. I have been told repeatedly by the only voice that matters to me that it’s not on his radar; it’s not something he wants or thinks about or has ever desired. So until he says I’ve got to sit down and figure out the “why” behind my feelings or the “what if’s” that lurk as fears, I’m just not going to.

It’s not really about avoidance… There are (obviously) plenty of things I muse about that I’m not under orders to think about. Sometimes they are hard topics but they’ve never felt damaging before. This one does.

I can’t really explain it. At my lowest moments, in my darkest dreams, one thought I can torture myself with to the point of tears and pain so acute I can’t breathe is thinking about him with someone else. I’ve done it, to hurt myself before. It’s an ultimate pain, for me.

So even though I’m intrigued and often awed by people who are capable of such open love, such compersion, compassion, and clarity… Even though I want to engage with them about their lives and their loves and lovers… Even though I think there are lessons to be learned that can be applied to my life, it hurts me to think about it in the context of my relationship.

So I’m not gonna.

And for some reason, letting his lack of an order translate into sort of the both of us giving me permission to simply live in the moment and not obsess and worry… Well, it’s strange. Good. VERY good. But strange.

I don’t kid myself. I know there might come a time when I need to think about it, or even just want to think about it for some reason. But that time is not now. Right now, I want to learn, absorb, and ask questions only insofar as it engages my mind and makes me happy to learn about my friends and their lives. But I don’t want to arrive at any personal conclusions.

And for some reason, it’s an incredibly peaceful moment. The letting go. The not worrying, simply because he has said it’s not something I need to worry about.

I know that sounds a little simple and silly:  He says don’t worry, and I don’t.  And it might seem a little dumb that I’m over the frigging moon about being able to obey this order.

But I’m not good at leaving worries behind, un-rubbed and un-fostered. In fact, it’s probably my worst skill. He says “don’t worry” and try as I might, I fail nearly 100% of the time. I am a worrier.  (I even posted a meme in here once that asked what I do in my free time.  My answer?  ”I fret.”  It’s true.)

But this time, I’m not worrying.  I’m not ignoring, or pretending not to worry, or keeping worries to myself.  I’m honestly not worrying at ALL.  About something big and scary.

I’m obeying. And it feels like SUCH a victory.

Big thanks to the darling friend who (perhaps inadvertently) helped me think about this, just by talking to me and listening to me ramble.

I’m a very happy girl tonight.

(And one of these days, you know, in the next century or so, I am GOING to update my frickin’ blogroll.  It’s getting out of hand the number of blogs I want to and/or have been investigating but have not put on my reader or my blogroll.  FFS, Chlo, get going, kiddo.)