It’s PMS time again. Or, to be more accurate, PMDD. (I’ll stress that they are NOT the same, it’s just easier for people to figure out what I’m talking about if I say “PMS” rather than “PMDD.”)
I hate when I get this way. I hate it. And it’s not because I feel crappy. It’s because I don’t feel happy in my place. I know it’s temporary, I know it’s a product of hormones and it’s not real. But that doesn’t take the feeling away.
I liken it to phantom limb pain: There is no limb. There is no “true” source for pain. And yet saying that and knowing that don’t eliminate the fact that the brain is sending pain signals and the person is EXPERIENCING pain. It’s real pain. The brain is just attributing the pain to a false source.
I feel real feelings. My brain is just attributing them to false sources.
I feel ignored, I feel angry, I feel alone, I feel like he doesn’t listen to a word I say, I feel like he hates me, and I feel like he feeds off my issues and becomes hostile. Almost like my emotions can control him, or are used as an excuse to toy with me until I crack. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate feeling all this. But it’s not the real issue.
The real issue is I can’t deal with those feelings. I can’t absorb them, I can’t spin them, I can’t ignore them, I can rationalize them, and I certainly can’t embrace them. I want nothing more than sympathy and comfort and tolerance and kindness. I feel like all I get is isolation and teasing and a man with a way shorter fuse than normal. Maybe, outwardly, I am asking for (or earning) that. But it’s not what I want or what I feel I need. (In fairness, it may not even be what I’m receiving. That’s the beauty of PMDD – I can’t even tell.)
But most importantly, I lose the ability to grasp that however things are, that’s the way they’re supposed to, because he says so.
I hate that when my stupid hormones have me in a stranglehold, I feel ten times as upset, isolated, alone, angry, etc. BECAUSE of my position in this relationship. It’s almost like… I don’t know. Like there is someone else inside me who surfaces when I’m approaching my period. And that girl? She is NOT a slave. Not in the least. And she deeply loathes being treated this way.
And me – the real me – well… I’m stuck in the corner, like some warped and muted voodoo doll, watching that other girl and my Master deal with each other – sensing and understanding every emotion she feels, and suffering every ounce of his frustration and displeasure. Feeling everything, unable to do anything.
It’s a lousy gig, lemme tell ya. Not just for me, for Antonio too.
I guess my point with this was sort of spurred by reading a post in dk’s blog. I was struck with the depressing knowledge that as long as I’m fully equipped with hormones and PMDD, I will always struggle.
Maybe the struggle is okay? Maybe what’s important is that I win the struggle, every time.
Now… If I could just figure out how to do that, I’d be all set.
Oh darling,
You will not always struggle. You will learn ways, tricks maybe, to avoid the head to head confrontation during those times. I have them too. I could relate so much to what you said here, and even laud the way in which you said it. You are such a great writer.
The pms girl that is not a slave? I know her well. She has earned me most of my punishments. I need to muzzle her, I do. But thankfully, she only shows up monthly, and by tracking I can keep her mouth shut most months with a little planning and forethought; oh, and a huge amount of effort.
But we are resilient women. We can overcome even the dreaded pms. We can. You can.
*huggggsssss* It will pass. You know it will. *hands you a chunk of chocolate*
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Aw, dk… You’re such a sweetheart. And I read this almost as soon as you posted it, and it made me smile. (Unfortunately, the fact that I had burned three fingertips and one finger and the palm of my hand meant I was keeping typing to a minimum at the moment and didn’t respond right away…) But thank you!
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Aww, I’m sorry…and we must be synchronized, ’cause me too. Sometimes I have wondered just why it is my husband becomes so fricken stupid one week out of the month? (Shhh, I know I am not supposed to say that out loud, but it’s the truth of what I feel inside.) Sigh, all I can say is this too shall pass, and I 2nd the suggestion to just work on keeping quiet. It’s hard, because just like I become physically more sensitive in this week, I become emotionally sensitive too, and the whole thing can leave me excessively achy. The good news is it passes, and within a week, my husband is back to himself and then I feel so much better!
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Bwahahahahaha!!!! I DO become completely convinced HE is being insane and irrational and totally different. I mean, srsly, it just seems SO reasonable at the moment!
And I do do my best to keep quiet, but the advice is worth repeating, over and over and over again. My “totally open honesty” at these times is not always appreciated, and I know it’s usually unfounded. Mum’s the word.
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Oh lord, I asked Master to please read your post to explain the last week and a half around here! You wrote so well what I can never seem to explain to Him…I know it’s hormones, but I cannot seem to help the way I feel and react.
Your post was timely for me too, big time. Dang, do we all do it at the same time??? lol
butterfly
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I’ve had to think and write SO many times about this dreaded time of the month… So it’s really, really nice to hear it resonates and that I’m not alone AND that I’ve actually made some sense while I’m at it! YAY!
Thank you!
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I hate hate hate the PMS girl she is evil I tell you and all she ever does is get me in trouble or make me look like a complete emo twat. Is there a box we can cram here into and lock her away or slap a big sticker on one’s forehead that says DANGER Prod at own Risk hehe xxx
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