Sara asked a great question (‘cause she’s awesome at that!) in response to my post about getting my collar back. In honor of her being on vacation, and us missing her, I’m going to post my answer! She said, with my emphasis added for the question parts:
OK, so I know this might be shocking…but I have a question!
Why is a collar different, than say, a wedding ring. I am happy for you that you are happy! I wear a ring that is the symbol of the commitment between my husband and I. Of course I am not a slave, and not anyone’s “property”. Those words just do not resonate for me. But I am his (in a different way, maybe), and the ring is important…a symbol of the promises we have made. Now he would never take my ring, because our promise is forever, no matter what. Punishments range here from spanking to taking my computer…that would about cover it. So, why a collar?
Of course, I can only answer for me here, so… With that in mind…
Why is a collar different than a wedding ring?
I see a wedding ring as a public symbol of a legal union, and my collar as a (slightly more) private symbol of a relationship dynamic. They are not mutually exclusive or inclusive. Obviously, one can be in submission to someone without being married, and one can be married without being in submission.
Personally, I want to marry and submit to the same man – Antonio.
Basically… I want to be with him forever. I also want to belong to him forever. But I know there are things that could arise that would alter our dynamic that would not affect the relationship itself. If we’re living together and an elderly relative has to move in with us and our dynamic has to shift? Then our dynamic shifts, and may even disappear. But our relationship doesn’t go anywhere. This has nothing to do with whether I’d wear a collar in this fictitious situation; it’s just a way to illustrate how, in our relationship, they are different commitments.
Our dynamic and our commitment to each other are VERY entwined and connected and I don’t really want one without the other in an ideal world, but they are not the same thing. I mean, I’m not married now, but that does not mean I can’t truly be his, be owned, not to me. ‘Cause they’re different. Thus, they get different symbols.
And I’m not sure if the comment about how your husband would never remove your wedding ring meant I had been unclear earlier… In case I was (it’s been known to happen!), I will clarify that the removal of my collar did NOT mean the termination of our M/s relationship. A symbol derives power from a relationship. But it’s a one-way street. My relationship has no stake in the symbol – with or without symbols, the relationship remains the same. If the actual relationship were in trouble? I don’t think he’d take my collar. I think we’d sit down and talk.
My collar did come off for a reason though. Everything comes off for a reason. Wedding rings come off when pregnant women have swollen fingers, or when men have messy jobs. My collar comes off when I shower, and has come off for punishment. Why is it punishment? Because I love my collar, and because I have to earn it. Because to me it is a status symbol, a privilege, a comfort. And I have to deserve that symbol in order to wear it. I was his before I had a collar, and I’m still his whenever it’s off, for whatever reason. And I’m no “more” his when it’s on.
And I want a wedding ring one day too. I won’t be any “more” in love or any “more” committed to him once we’re married. But I do look forward to having a legal bond in the eyes of society, and the symbol that goes with it. I can’t wait to have a ceremony my family and friends can witness and enjoy. I want to take Antonio’s last name and be able to call him my husband. I want us to have the legal rights that go along with marriage.
But I don’t look forward to getting married because it would deepen our commitment. It won’t. My commitment is not deepened by legality, ceremony, terminology, or jewelry. (I think, for one thing, believing it could be deepened by such things would imply homosexual couples can’t have commitments as deep or meaningful as heterosexual couples because in many states they can’t marry. And I just don’t buy that.)
Wow, tangent. Crap I’m bad at staying on track…
Why a collar?
This might not need answering, you may have just been repeating the gist of your question… But I’ll go for it anyway!
Aside from the above reasons, I wear a collar for the same reason a dog wears a collar. (Except, of course, I got a say in the collar business, when a dog did not!) But if you see a dog with a collar you think “That dog belongs to someone.”
And that’s exactly what my collar means. It means I belong to someone. I am owned. I have a Master who lets me wear a collar as a symbol of his ownership of me. It means I’m not a stray.
“But I do look forward to having a legal bond in the eyes of society, and the symbol that goes with it. I can’t wait to have a ceremony my family and friends can witness and enjoy. I want to take Antonio’s last name and be able to call him my husband. I want us to have the legal rights that go along with marriage.”
Yeah…ditto. Nstuff.
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Seems simple, right? Maybe it’s only a big deal when someone makes it a big deal. I don’t know. I sat staring at that paragraph I wrote for quite some time. It felt… Inadequate. Like there was something else I wanted, maybe. I figure, when I get closer to the marriage thing, I’ll have to do a lot more thinking on it… (I’m attempting not to think too hard about it right now, but I can’t seem to help myself!)
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Interesting question and answer…..I love that exchanges like this show up both the similarities and the differences between many relationships.
Like you I have a ‘collar’….my slave bangle. That hasn’t been off my wrist for a moment since M put it there. I have the comfort of knowing that however badly I might ever screw up, he would only ever remove it if he decided our relationship was over. However, there ARE things which do get taken away from me if he feels I haven’t earned them…..things which he sees as a privilege.
So, similarities and differences…..in your situation, mine and Sara’s……many others too. What’s important is finding what works for each of us and our partners isn’t it?
love and hugs xxx
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
So, similarities and differences…..in your situation, mine and Sara’s……many others too. What’s important is finding what works for each of us and our partners isn’t it?
That’s exactly it. Symbols can be public or private, but they always only mean what people, personally or mutually, decide they mean. It’s fun to talk about them, though.
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An interesting question and an equally interesting answer.
The bit about the dog, in particular, is something I had never considered. You’re absolutely right when you say that if you see a dog wandering around without a collar, you think ‘Stray. No owner.’
Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Oh for goodness sake. I just like, broke the internet trying to reply to this. Yeesh, I’m so not a techie nerd… Anyway, I was saying… I think maybe the dog bit was always there for me, always made sense, because my collar is just that – a dog collar. It’s not fancy, it’s not BDSM-y, it’s just a dog collar. Plain and simple (and actually a bit complicated!)
(I totally want a fancy one as well as this one, btw.)
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Chloe, you present things very well. I like when you take the time to think about a topic such as collars, or the difference between sub and slave and expound on it for us. Your take on things jives muchly with mine.
I have a necklace that actually belonged to my mother (who passed away a few years ago). The reason this is my collar is because very early in our relationship I’d asked for some things to help me feel more connected to him as his slave. Along with establishing my initial list of rules, M told me to find something to wear as a symbol of my enslavement to him. It was really more for me than for him. He said he was never really very into the “trappings” of M/s, as he put it. Wearing the necklace (he never calls it a collar, though it does represent his ownership) at all times was included in that first list of rules.
The necklace is pretty weighty; something I can always feel about my neck. It’s a very solid silver rope chain. I am not sure why he didn’t give me one of his own choosing. I may ask him one day.
But it is not to leave my neck, except for cleaning. He has never made me remove it either, thank god. I think it would just about kill me if he did.
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Since my discussion and thoughts on symbolism led my mind into many fun places, I too would be interested in why you chose your symbol, and not him. Huh. Fun to think about… Might be even more fun to know the answer! And thanks for joining in on the discussion, I always love hearing your words, dk.
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My wedding ring represents our marriage vows and my collar(s) represent the D/s side of our relationship. Both are precious to me but they are meant to be different symbols.
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Amen, sista.
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I’m baaack..and thank you for taking the time to answer and discuss this. It makes sense, and from the comments I can see others have similar but not exactly the same feelings. It is a symbol and they can take on a range of personal meanings. Not being a slave, I would never wear a collar, but I do think of my ring as a symbol of my commitment to my marriage. As that commitment has changed, so has the symbolic content. As an example, following his lead even if I didn’t agree was not part of the original deal, now it is. The ring symbolizes our commitments, promises, is a concrete reminder. And yes, we both wear rings, although I am not sure how he views his. The dog collar analogy was interesting, in that it reminded me that when I am out and about, the ring does serve as a visual reminder to others that I am indeed attached. Thanks Chloe!
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Chloe Reply:
April 24th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
You know… I think my wedding ring (fingers crossed I get one one day!) will symbolize a D/s undertone too. In fact, I’m hoping to take formal solemnization of matrimony vows, so I can promise to “obey and serve” and he can promise to “comfort/protect” (I think that’s what the differences in vows are). I think it would be a really beautiful way of working my submission into a public ceremony my whole family can witness and not feel extremely discomforted by.
And, you’re welcome! I love your questions. Welcome home!
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Interesting dialog here. A nice read
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