While writing an email to a lovely blogging friend of mine, I ended up typing two sentences that gave me an itty bitty shock. Not because I didn’t realize their truth beforehand, but because I hadn’t really articulated it before.
They described a fundamental different between Antonio and me.
When things are beyond Antonio’s control, he doesn’t worry about them. When things hold no personal significance for him, he is unconcerned. He is a man with incredible passion, but reserves it for VERY few things. His country, his family, his slave. This is a beautiful way to live a life, and one I envy. It allows him to care very deeply about things that matter while letting most other things just roll off his back. He’s perfected this system. I’m jealous.
Things beyond my control vex me. Things that hold no personal significance for me can still ensnare me in a desire to know, to understand, to explore – at great personal cost without the possibility of personal gain. I am a woman with incredible passion, but it can run away with me sometimes. Yes, it can take me to places of elation and wonder, but it can also lure me into wistful thoughts, shadowy filth and self-hatred.
(Side note: I intensely dislike the misuse of the word wistful. Wistful means pensively sad. Wistful is NOT whimsical. Thanks for tuning in.)
If something goes wrong in our lives, or something is beyond the realm of our knowledge or experience, Antonio and I react in such different ways.
He evaluates and makes a judgment. Or, if he needs information, he gathers it, and then makes a judgment. Anything he doesn’t find important simply slides off his radar. He shrugs off bad situations that he cannot alter, says “Oh, well, that’s life” and moves on, in peace.
I, on the other hand, fret and worry and submerge myself in the situation. Left to my own devices, I might even drown in it. But I feel like I need to struggle. I cannot rest until I’ve tried everything, plumbed every depth, and searched endlessly for a place to settle.
He laughs at me, sometimes, as I pester him with questions about situations that are very clearly NOT going to affect me. I can ponder for ages about the morality and legality of things that do not have an impact on my life or even the lives of those I love.
He doesn’t DO that. He is comfortable evaluating, deciding, and dismissing, until such a time occurs that he feels he needs to know or understand something in more depth. It’s not that he ignores things, or practices any kind of apathetic acceptance of ignorance; he just doesn’t let things fester. He looks, learns, makes a decision, and lets go.
I’m almost scared of not knowing every nuance, not exhausting every resource, not pursuing something to the bitter end. I can come to a conclusion, and then start the whole process back up, for virtually no reason at all. I feel I have to, in order to feel peace. He is at rest whenever he decides he is at rest.
Other things too, that may seem unrelated. Master/slave things. His decisions often seem so simple. My reactions often seem so scrambling. He seems SO at ease in his role, and I often feel I am a total failure. He simply makes his choices, and that’s that. He’s happy with things, and if he’s not, he changes them, or changes himself. It all seems so linear. Sure, it’s a complex path, with many branches and forks and choices, but he always seems to stay the proper course, no matter how many choices face him. It’s gorgeous to watch. I’m not saying his role is easy, but just that… It seems progressive, linear, and comfortable for him. And I am always the recipient of things, left to cope and comply, rather than to make arrangements for myself. Which leaves me, a lot of times, struggling for my sense of balance. I feel lost, sometimes, flailing to try and be calm and forward-moving. I have to push and ask myself questions. I have to analyze and ponder and re-analyze and re-ponder – hell, I have to keep a blog to keep my thoughts straight. And even that doesn’t work sometimes.
Anyway, those two lines I wrote in that email, that made me think about this whole idea? They were:
Antonio creates his own peace. I have to seek mine.
And that’s just… How it is. He is Master of me, but also of himself. He simply creates the peace he wishes for in his world, and it comes from within him. I am a disjointed and submissive woman, and I have to seek my peace; I have to search for it outside myself.
But I think that’s a big reason why we work so well together. He is my ultimate source of peace – pure and simple and really complicated. So when I’m with him, my peace is never far from reach, and the means to capture it are within my grasp.
A lot of interesting things to think about here. When I complain to my lover about some situation (a natural disaster that didn’t involve me, for example), he will sometimes shrug his shoulders and say “Well, never mind. How’s my girl?” It’s as if he’s saying “Yes, ok, now let’s talk about the things over which I have control.”
An interesting, thought-provoking post. Thank you!
Constance
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Chloe Reply:
April 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
You’re welcome! I find it so striking how Antonio (and most Doms it seems) can sort of personally embody the serenity prayer, without a need for God or praying. They just… DO IT. I’m so the opposite. *shakes head sadly*
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Funny. I didn’t get an email from you.
I wonder if this isn’t a requirement for domming successfully. There is all of this talk, thrown around like rice at a wedding, about how one has to master themselves before they can master another. I suspect that the sentiment is often used, or taken, incorrectly. That people take it to mean one has to have a successful career, own a house, have 2 cars and have raised a dog for a year, yadda yadda yadda- when, in my opinion, it means things like this… an acceptance, an ease, a.. a.. well I don’t know what. Peace within I guess.
Now get cracking on that email. (hee)
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Chloe Reply:
April 15th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
My feelings exactly… I think some people equate the power of a person to master him or herself with, as you said, that superficial power that makes someone rise in societal or financial rankings. That just doesn’t equal success and mastery to me, that equals being a slave to the opinions of others, a slave to unimportant goals. But that smooth and fluid self-reliance, self-confidence and… About a million other words I can’t seem to articulate… That is true mastery. Sure, it’s great to bring home the bacon, but if that’s THE goal? If that’s the ultimate measure of a master? FAIL.
And about that email… You know how sometimes people say ‘Ask and ye shall receive’? Well, I’m going to send you an email. And it’s not going to be like that at all. It’s going to be more in the vein of ‘Be careful what you wish for.’
Bwahahahahaha.
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No no! *I’m* the lovely blogging friend she was writing, ME ME ME! Because I’m so friggin’ HUMBLE-n-stuff!
I’M HUMBLE AS SHIT!
Hehe…
Anyway, Chloe, I over analyze everything to pieces too. I’m worried about the taxes even though Dan did them. And with ease, I might add. He tries to help me with my worrying but he also doesn’t sweat the small stuff and most of it is small stuff to Dan. I wonder if it’s a D/s thing; I wonder if most subs worry and most Doms don’t. Makes sense to me!
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Chloe Reply:
April 15th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I’m pretty sure Antonio could classify the apocalypse as ’small stuff’ if he put his mind to it. I don’t know how he does it, honestly. And I do wonder if a higher percentage of submissive women (or people) have the same internal worrying syndrome, coupled with the ability to seek peace from a person who doesn’t do the worrying thing so much. In my head, yes, yes they do. (She says as if that settles the matter…)
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Oh goodness, I think you’re onto something there in your response to Amber. I DO think a high proportion of submissive women (certainly the one’s I’ve met/spoken to/ written about have that over-analysing gene. I’d never given much thought to whether a large proportion of Doms have the ’simplify and be at peace’ gene. Maybe that’s it. I did also wonder briefly this morning if Antonio’s military background might have had some influence. I’m sure it does with M. I’d be fascinated to know what he thought.
love and hugs xxx
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Chloe Reply:
April 15th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Ha. I didn’t even think of Antonio’s time in the Marines having a connection. Now I’m going to have to ask!
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And you know that the brackets were supposed to have read (….met/spoken to/READ about….) right??!! lol
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Chloe Reply:
April 15th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
And here I was thinking you secretly blog all about every submissive woman you encounter! Because that seems SO like you. *grins* (I kid, I kid.)
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*toes the ground* Can I have an email?
I was really trying to figure out if I created my own peace, or if I had to seek it out. I came to the conclusion that I am right smack in the middle – sometimes I can create my own, and sometimes I’m hollaring for it like a panicked mom with a lost child.
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