(If you aren’t a goon, you might want to look up that post title. You also might want to look up what a goon is. *grins*)
Since today is not a bad day, I thought I’d muse about the days that are. All the musing, none of the emotion!
Some days, I’m just terrified. I’m negative and scared and sure that I deserve nothing but abandonment and pain. I don’t like myself, and nothing I do seems right. I feel like I’ve lost control over my life, my body, my mind. In a really, really, really bad way.
I’ve come back from these days. Or, at least, I’ve survived them.
No surprise, it’s The Man who drags me back from The Edge of Emo.
But the question I’m stuck asking myself is WHY do I go back there? WHY can’t I just stay put in Happytown. WHY do I have to sink into self-sabotage and mess up my progress over and over again?
Sometimes I feel like an epileptic trying to build a house of cards. I build and build and build, and my creation becomes complex and beautiful. Then I have a seizure and afterwards, I rise into awareness with a pile of cards scattered everywhere. And I’m just a mess. Angry, confused, frustrated.
Sure, over time, I gain skill at building myself (er, the cards – gotta stick with the metaphor) up. I can do it with more efficiency, in less time. But… I always fear – and always have – another seizure. I just… I don’t know what to DO about it.
The questions that fly through my mind are:
Why do I do this?
How do I break the cycle?
Does the whole thing mean something I don’t understand?
Does it just take practice, time, or experience I haven’t yet attained and slooooowly bur surely I’ll get better?
Or am I waiting on some epiphany that will serve as an insta-cure? (Or, perhaps, more realistically, and epiphany that will let me make a huge leap forward?)
Additionally, OMG AM I OVERTHINKING THINGS?!?!
And, luckily for all of you guys, I can’t even begin to muse on the answers. (Except that last one. That’s probably a resounding “Yes.”)
I guess I just baffle myself.
I think we all baffle ourselves. I know I do. I want to shake myself some times and go, “What is your boggle?!” (I love the word boggle.) So trust me, you’re not alone.
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Yes you are indeed overthinking things my darling. But this is the reason we love you as we do.
xox
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You said: Does it just take practice, time, or experience I haven’t yet attained and slooooowly bur surely I’ll get better?
Yes.
I’m wondering if what you’re describing might be due to hormone fluctuations or seasonal disorders or whatever. Once I realized the pattern for me, (3 days before my period I lose my sense of “self” and somewhere in early November, again, I kinda lose my peaceful side for a few weeks while I adjust to winter) it helped just knowing I was going through something concrete because I knew the agitation and negative feelings would eventually pass.
But over time I have gotten better. When those times hit, I try not to fight it, I just tell Dan I’m going through a rough patch and please understand and I just hang on until it goes away.
It’s much much better than it was. And I hope that for you, too!
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I agree with Kitten that we all do it. Sometimes I simply tell Master “This is how I feel but I can’t tell you why.” And that’s at 40 years old when I’m supposed to be old enough to know myself better! lol
butterfly
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Hey Chloe
this post could come from me
But I know one reason for it: my period. Few days before I become really aggressive. I know that my behavior is wrong but can’t do anything against it.
And then there are also times I really don’t know why I react like this.
Like Kitten said we all do it from time to time
-Secretdreams-
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Omg I giggled when I read this (yes I am warped) … it’s called overactedness of the greyus matterus and you know what, it’s completely okay because some of us people just haz to be that way. We are wired that way, the bonus? We also have the poetry, the passion and the love to do great things, even if we do fall off the edge of planet normal sometimes. It’s utterly, completely and wonderfully OKAY.
I need a great big spoon of STFU medicine and luckily I have two kitties who gladly give it to me when i go on a mindbender.
You gotta love them for grounding you xxx
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