(If you aren’t a goon, you might want to look up that post title. You also might want to look up what a goon is.  *grins*)

Since today is not a bad day, I thought I’d muse about the days that are.  All the musing, none of the emotion!

Some days, I’m just terrified.  I’m negative and scared and sure that I deserve nothing but abandonment and pain.  I don’t like myself, and nothing I do seems right.  I feel like I’ve lost control over my life, my body, my mind.  In a really, really, really bad way.

I’ve come back from these days.  Or, at least, I’ve survived them.

No surprise, it’s The Man who drags me back from The Edge of Emo.

But the question I’m stuck asking myself is WHY do I go back there?  WHY can’t I just stay put in Happytown.  WHY do I have to sink into self-sabotage and mess up my progress over and over again?

Sometimes I feel like an epileptic trying to build a house of cards.  I build and build and build, and my creation becomes complex and beautiful.  Then I have a seizure and afterwards, I rise into awareness with a pile of cards scattered everywhere.  And I’m just a mess.  Angry, confused, frustrated.

Sure, over time, I gain skill at building myself (er, the cards – gotta stick with the metaphor) up.  I can do it with more efficiency, in less time.  But… I always fear – and always have – another seizure.  I just…  I don’t know what to DO about it.

The questions that fly through my mind are:

Why do I do this?

How do I break the cycle?

Does the whole thing mean something I don’t understand?

Does it just take practice, time, or experience I haven’t yet attained and slooooowly bur surely I’ll get better?

Or am I waiting on some epiphany that will serve as an insta-cure? (Or, perhaps, more realistically, and epiphany that will let me make a huge leap forward?)

Additionally,  OMG AM I OVERTHINKING THINGS?!?!

And, luckily for all of you guys, I can’t even begin to muse on the answers. (Except that last one. That’s probably a resounding “Yes.”)

I guess I just baffle myself.