Ever been in a situation where you’ve got multiple orders contradicting one another? I’m assuming I’m not the only one. However, I MIGHT be the only one who mulls over the intricacies of just such a situation like it’s going outta style. (In related news, it’s frequently brought to my attention that I am a bit neurotic.)

This post was a whole lot longer. Explaining what I did and why, but I don’t think that part is actually important. (It’s not that I mind sharing, I don’t, it’s just boring and not really the point and I’m KILLING myself trying to make a short post for once.)

I chose the lesser of two evils. I broke one rule to prevent breaking bigger rules.

But it FEELS kinda wrong. It feels wrong to decide, on my own, which rules and orders are “more important” than others. In this instance, it wasn’t that big a deal. It was a minor offense, and I wasn’t punished for it, because (I think) he saw it as I did – me making a choice I had to make.

And I know I can’t be this useless pile of goo who can’t do anything on her own.  Being a slave doesn’t mean I can be useless when the time comes to make choices.  I know that.  I just…  *squirms*  I am uncomfortable making all the decisions I made, all by my lonesome.

I decided I had no other decent options other than to break a rule.

I also decided which rule was more important than the other.

I further decided it was okay to willingly break a rule and face the punishment instead, if it meant preventing bigger rule-breaking.

And that last one is what really got me, I think.

I honestly think I was okay given my circumstances this time. I did what I had to do, when unable to get input from him. Antonio seems to think so too.  I’m not upset about what I did, or why.  Not this time.  I’m just musing…

Because it seems like a bit of a slippery slope from “I had to do break the rule” to “Yeah, that’s right, I broke the rule ‘cause I’d rather just have the punishment… What’s it to ya, punk?”

I don’t ever want to catch myself being told, “Do as I say, or face punishment” and feeling as if it’s an actual choice.

It’s not a choice… It can’t be a choice…  Right?  I mean, RIGHT?!?!  No choices like that for me, thanks!  Do Not Want!

I want to think I don’t get to choose between doing what he says and punishment. He’s not offering them both up for me to barter with myself and my desires. I am NOT being offered an either or situation. I do not have the option to choose punishment!

But, yanno, technically, I do.

I CAN just fail on purpose, or go against orders for the hell of it and earn the punishment instead. And that irritates the hell out of me.

I mean, I’m comfortably buffered by the simple fact that knowing I’ve let him down is something I never want to do.  Ever. When he is disappointed in me, I writhe mentally (and okay, fine, sometimes physically) and hate the entire effing world. I’m melodramatic as all get out, I know, but it feels like nothing is right in my world, and I may as well just drop dead a few times because I’m already a rotting, stinking, putrid cesspool of fail.

Have I failed before? Sure have. Have I not given something my full attention? Yup. Have I forgotten, misunderstood, or generally just sucked at stuff? Check, check, and check. I’ve probably even sabotaged my own efforts because I can be a hormonal, moronic wench.  And the other night, I purposely broke a rule because I felt I had to.

I just don’t ever want to catch myself breaking a rule because I didn’t feel like trying.  I don’t ever want to think to myself, “Screw it, I choose punishment.”   That kinda scares me, you know?

I know it’s not something I have to concern myself with.  (I also know I just ended that sentence in a preposition.) In fact, I imagine if it began happening with any sort of regularity, it would signal something much larger was wrong in our relationship. And even being afraid of slipping down the slope inadvertently is probably silly of me.   The Man watches out for stuff like that and he enacts corrective/preventative measures long before the fall.  But still.  I worry anyway.

It’s a skill, I’m sure of it.

(Does this count as a short post?)