All right. FetLife… I don’t get it.
That’s basically all I can say, over and over and over: I don’t GET it.
I’ve seen posts, on blogs I adore, that start out “Well, over on FetLife…” and I’m just left staring (at what is usually a long rant by said blogger) about the stuff/discussion/people/etc.
Don’t get me wrong, from what I’ve read, there are (some) seriously demented people at FetLife and rants are in order.
But…
I just. I…
*flaps hands uselessly*
I DON’T GET IT! Someone has to help me understand. (I should mention right now, I have never so much as even looked at the website so feel free to ignore everything I say.)
While I’m sure these bloggers I love must find some of the conversations super-great and all (or else why would they go, right?) the ones brought over for ranting purposes appear to be something like this… (Complete with my general reaction. Woo.)
FetLife: Let’s regress to about age 12, and form a lot of cliques so we can isolate ourselves based on Very Important Issues such as who is “real” enough, submissive enough, slave-y enough, real-time enough, live-in enough, etc…
Me: Meh. I don’t care.
FetLife: Submissives! Slaves! Some of us, let’s spend a lot of time acting all high and mighty and dissing Doms for acting Dom-ish, and the rest of us, let’s be judgmental of that behavior, safe on our knowledge that we have (oh-so-selflessly) judged ourselves to be “better”!
Me: I really, really don’t care.
FetLife: You know what would be fun? And productive? A semantic brawl! Let’s adamantly defend personal definitions for things like Mastery vs. Ownership.
Me: Holy cow! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve cared so very deeply what other people think about that! Actually, wait… Yes I can. Turns out it’s zero.
For the record… When I watch the news, I see only stories about the planes that crashed, not the ones that landed without incident… So I recognize that the things I see ranted about in blogs probably don’t represent the full picture of FetLife.
Anyway… Thinking about why on Earth people go on FetLife makes me think about why I read blogs.
I don’t read to find out how or why or when other people do things, at least not with respect to how I should do those things. I’m not really looking for advice. I’ve got all the advice I need in one convenient location – my Master.
Now, admittedly, I’m not able to do the “instantly fall in line no matter what” routine. I’ll push against him and question his reasoning. I will often rant and think and ponder and ask questions and reevaluate, sometimes in direct response to things I’ve read on blogs.
(In short, I can be a crappy slave. I like to pretend it’s simply a byproduct of having a brain. The reality may be less flattering.)
But none of that questioning and ranting matters in the long run. In ANY situation, the conclusion I come to has to match his vision or I’m going to be confronted, challenged, pushed, and molded until I readjust anyway. All the outside advice-seeking in the world won’t help me in the slightest unless I come around to his way of thinking in the end.
I read blogs, yes, because I am interested in the lifestyle and others who live it. But mostly, I become invested and involved (in my own head, in a non-creepy way, I promise) with their lives. I mean, Kaya posts pictures of her cats, or her backyard, and I’m ridiculously stoked. (Non creepy. I am NON creepy. Difficult as it my prove, please try to remember convince yourself of that.)
I think I just like to feel connected to good people who lead good lives and who HAPPEN to have the quality that they wouldn’t blanch at the thought of me living the lifestyle I do. And I get that from blogs. I seek friendships with phantoms, I guess…
But FetLife? Maybe you’re all just different than I. When I engage in fruitless debates, I tend to get irritable and huffy and what I like to call “holier-than-thou disguised as a snarky cunt.” (It’s not my most admirable trait, but at least I recognize it, hey?)
Antonio aims for me to live more like he does – with (as he puts it) “an uncluttered mind and soul.” And FetLife debates like the ones I have seen spoken about in blogs? Well, they seem like soul and mind clutter, and I know I don’t need them.
However, I’m not saying I don’t have a desire to go to FetLife or anything. I do. Sure, most of the things I wouldn’t care about. But some things, like that bestiality debate kaya mentioned that spurred my post on it? Yeah, sometimes, I really WANT to go. Part of me absolutely revels in the thrill of chopping someone down, someone I think is ignorant or “wrong” or employing logical fallacies. I have a streak of cruelty in me… A form of sadism, perhaps? I LIKE the idea of verbally eviscerating someone who strikes me as being intentionally ignorant. It borders on euphoria for me – a mixture of an art and a cathexis, albeit a negative one. (Dammit, cathexis is a word. My spellcheck can lick me.)
And it just seems… So alien to me that people would get something truly positive out of engaging in debates with people who aren’t really on their game, or don’t actually matter, or about topics that really aren’t up for debate – they’re just opinions. I get my positive interactions from Antonio, and I get positive interactions from bloggers I know and respect (and who know how to disagree with the right mix of passion, intellect, and respect), not really from open-forum debates – they encourage me to be vicious and inappropriately self-assured.
So, I guess the question is – if you go – what does it DO for you? What do you get out of it, for the time you put in? How does it help you serve, or help you be better as a human being?
Does you feel it’s a really useful thing that, ultimately, serves your Master directly, or serves him indirectly by making you a smarter, calmer, more submissive person? Or, like it would be for me, is it just a personal indulgence that serves you?
(And don’t let me sound like I’m judging if you do it just for yourself. I have plenty of things I do that are purely selfish. Granted, if they don’t please Antonio, I have to work to change them, but still… I have ‘em.)
I go because it provides me with good blogging material. I mean, even *I* get bored with my cats and my backyard! Sometimes, even when I don’t come back to my site to rant about some stupid-ass thing I read, I’ll read something that sparks something else and pretty soon, I got me a journal entry. *beams*
But mostly, for the most part, FL has replaced instant messaging and email for me. I’m not allowed to instant message with anyone and I totally suck at replying to emails, but FL provides a forum where I don’t have to be as in depth as I feel like I should be in an email, I can quip back and forth with my online friends – it’s *almost* like instant messaging but without breaking any rules AND, it offers opportunities to snark to boot! It’s damn near perfect!
I mostly avoid the groups where it’s the same questions every week, the same semantic battles, real vs. true, one true way, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Most of the groups I’m in are the ranty-snarky ones.
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Chloe Reply:
February 5th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
And this is why I adore you. (Well, one reason of many.)
I feel I will eventually (aka, I have a post due on Saturday and I’m already all “derrrr” trying to think of what to say) need something to spur me to express my views on things. I already know what I think (sorta) and I don’t know that I’m quite at the stage where anyone wants to hear me talk about things like my plans for all kinds of Valentine’s Day baked goods (I got some BOMB cookie cutters today!)
So maybe, even if I never get a pass to post there, it might be a good place to go to get an idea of what people ARE concerned about, enough to post at least, and then take to my soapbox here and try to figure out what I think. Maybe I can lurk!
And God, I DO love snarking. I’ve seen a massive decline in my snarking endeavors since I stopped going to chat rooms (they were not BDSM-related, but damn, did I amuse myself.) I don’t think I’ll be allowed to do any contributing, even if I DID get permission to go… But… But…
After the bestiality thing (which I desperately wanted to post, and just wasn’t allowed) I figured there had to be SOME good stuff there that I’d want to think about… I mean, I enjoyed thinking about the logic of that… Hrm… I’m going to have to have a chat with Antonio about this.
Thank you!
(P.S. – I will never get bored of your cats. EvAr.)
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I have an account at Fetlife – and to be honest, I don’t use it. To me it seems like just a kinky myspace. There’s like 17 Billion groups you can join, and I can’t even think of where to start. The few groups I did join… not much of the discussions interest me. I think I’ve responded to one or two, total. Now, if I could find the groups that kaya manages to find… that might give me a way of releasing some of my pent up (thinking of the right word)… hostility on some deserving duminant. Hmmm, right now that sounds like a REALLY good idea. But it would require effort, and I just don’t want to do anything but veg.
I’ll just keep reading you for entertainment and insight instead.
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Chloe Reply:
February 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Hrm…. I guess I was imagining it somewhat like a forum. But joining groups? Do you have to be part of a group to talk about something? I’m so hopelessly confused. (For a change, yanno.) But where ELSE shall I get topics? Gah!
I’m wondering if Antonio will let me do a post about how much I enjoy Jergens Naturals lotion. I fear he will not. I tried to tell him about my new lotion last night and I detected a HINT of sarcasm in his “It’s 93% natural? Well, oh my God.”
Hmph.
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I kind of understand what kaya was saying about it giving her blogging material….where something read or discussed triggers something for a posting. I guess I just get that from reading other blogs and the interaction I get from fellow bloggers.
I too joined Fetlife, but saw more there which frustrated me than interested me so very quickly left it alone. M and I met through another very similar site, and I guess were were just curious to see whether Fetlife was any different….it wasn’t.
love and hugs xxx
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Chloe Reply:
February 6th, 2009 at 10:53 am
You know, that’s another thing I’m terribly curious about. (Maybe you have given me an idea for a post!) I didn’t meet Antonio in any kind of BDSM-related venue. And I don’t have any experience with already KNOWING that about someone. Antonio and I had a short, delicate dance to test each other out in terms of our desires for dominance and submission. But we had grown to know and like each other before that. And while our interactions were (as I look back on it) laced with dominance and submission, he’s not foolhardy enough to start commanding around women he likes, threatening to punish them if they don’t do everything he asks, just to see if they might like it… And I wasn’t going to be saying “Yes, Grand Master Overlord and Love of my life, your wish is my command!” and fall into a sweeping bow two days after meeting him… (Come to think of it, if I EVER do that, you all need to shout at me.)
I’m curious about whether it helps or hinders to have people meeting each other based on these desires… I’m sure it can go either way, but I’ll save the rest of my musings for later!
Thank you!
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I’ve actually never heard of Fetlife, LOL, but I do like what you wrote in this post because I am struggling with the same brain frame of mind thing. How do you want to be good and conform to HIM and not use your brain? I really have a lot of testing going on inside my head. LOL Cleo
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Chloe Reply:
February 6th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Mmhmm, my brain gets me in BIG trouble. I often think I should reevaluate my position on breathplay, because a bit of oxygen deprivation might do me a world of good. I realize there is no way to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I am quite intelligent. I’m no genius, but I’ve got a great brain, and a fabulous education behind me. I have, since a young age, been able to emotionally manipulate and mentally out-think almost everyone around me, including my father. (My mother may very well BE a genius, so not so much there with the mental stuff, but emotionally? She’s a woman and my mother, we were on equal footing at least.)
I am used to be able to conceal things I don’t want known, and being able to out-think everyone around me. These habits, these safety nets have been hard as hell to let go of. And I believe I can be rid of the habits, eventually, but it’s the “don’t think, just DO” that I fear I will always struggle with. I can’t NOT think. I can’t do it. I’m incapable. I’ve compromised by thinking WHILE doing, but that can still cause me great distress.
My saving grace is that Antonio is smarter than I am. Sure, there are things about which I am more educated, and things about which he is more educated. But he is one of the few people who can see through my intricate mental processes, and he is the only one who DOES something about it. It’s a blessing, and a curse. I feel so undermined and stupid, sometimes. Other times, I am awed. And always, when all is said and done, I am grateful to be transparent in moments when I am actively trying not to be. It’s a feeling I have never had, in nearly 26 years of life.
Well, hell, I’m rambling.
Thank you!
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I hate fetlife. Its dull. Its boring.
Not to mention it reminds me of being in school with the bitchy shit.
I love that kaya likes it cos then I get to read all her awesome posts.
Mine would be about stabbing people in the eye with ice picks.
See?
I hate fetlife.
big hugs
bitchy bliss
xox
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Chloe Reply:
February 6th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Ha! Brilliant comment, bliss.
I too worry I could not muster the maturity necessary to make my posts about more than simply stabbing people. (Antonio is going to laugh at this, because it’s a bit of a running joke that when I get irritated, I want to “fucking stab things, omg!”) Although, I would say I’d want to stab them in the eye with rusty forks. So it’s probably TOTALLY different.
Really, though.. I WANT to be able to get some material somewhere that I can turn into productive and thoughtful posts. Hrm…
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Hello
I’d like to respectfully submit another option for kinky social networking… KinkySpace.com
I started this site with my brother about 8 months ago, and it’s been live since last October. We’re growing at a nice pace, and are continually working to make the site more fun and less stress
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I love seeing uninformed people comment on things. Perhaps next time your research might actually involve checking out the topic of your blogging. It’s true, FetLife isn’t for everyone…but it is a hit with nearly half a million people. Those people all have varying levels of involvement, but many people choose to increase the scope of their knowledge on kinky topics and FetLife is a great way to connect with thousands of others who might have more knowledge that you. It’s helped people through tough times, it’s educated many, entertained most, and opened up a whole new world to many others.
So uh…yeah…I can see why you think it’s such a waste of time.
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Chloe Reply:
July 6th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
I can tell you’re butthurt about this. Sorry ’bout that.
But let’s be clear, here. My OPINION of FetLife is… wait for it… an opinion! I KNOW! Crazy, huh? Nowhere did I say, “There are three people registered on FetLife.” Yes, that could prompt you to say, “No there aren’t. Do your research.” And that would be logical and appropriate. But me saying, “I think it’s fairly worthless” and you countering with “But half a million people registered!” is a little ridiculous.
Feel free to do the math on what half a million people actually represents in the world, and then count me among the 99.99+% of the world’s population that doesn’t cream their pants over FetLife.
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