Something I wrote last time got me thinking. (Yes, that’s right.  I inspire myself.  Nothing to be ashamed of!)

“I guess maybe there’s some Super Secret Sub Club I never got invited to join, where everyone feels special for slinging unnecessary letters, capitals, and dashes in the middle of plural pronouns, but… For me, this blog is not about isolation from the vanilla world, or the world of people involved in BDSM who are not internet savvy. *shrug* That really could be just me, so this could be this is all a lost idea. It could be many people in the lifestyle blog publically, yet specifically don’t want anyone who doesn’t already share their exact point of view or doesn’t already know internet jargon to hear them. I mean, okay, cool. That’s just not me.”

This blog is, in part, a display of my dedication to this lifestyle. And, as I was saying in the last post, I think the practice of messing up English is actually counterproductive when trying to express how very deeply I am committed.  But also, it’s a hindrance to people outside the lifestyle who may be trying to read.

I have many goals. Antonio has many goals for me. None of them involve becoming part of an esoteric group content to alienate the vanilla world. I say that with a bit of an edge, don’t I? I don’t think I mean it quite like that… I just believe pretty strongly in this idea of inclusive blogging.

I believe that one day we (those involved in BDSM, to any degree) will not be the underground freaks a lot of the world thinks we are. And make no mistake, they think we are. Large public gatherings that are about the lifestyle are viewed as spectacles, not demonstrations or marches or parties or anything with a ring of “take me seriously.”  We are viewed as spectacles.

We are on the fringe.  We are in the shadows. We are a bit of a sideshow. Not to everyone, of course. And perhaps it’s gotten better. But in ways, it’s gotten worse. Because with the over-sexualization of the lifestyle on the internet, the promotion of that BDSM agenda, other people have a harder and harder time seeing it as anything MORE than that.

They still see us as a fringe group. But efforts to put ourselves in the public eye have often ended up putting whips and chains in the public eye, not theories on relationship dynamics. The outsiders look at the public face of BDSM and see the frills, the hype, and the sex as our core. To me, collars and leather are not the core of this beautiful life I lead. Love and trust and a matching (and fulfilling) of different needs is the core. But, of course, that’s not what’s glorified. And I admit, folding laundry and cooking and training myself to bite my tongue and finding solace in simple acts is not all that glorious to anyone but me. So here I am. On the fringe.

But the strides some other fringe groups have made in the recent past, such as gay and lesbian community, are very promising. And, from watching their battle, I think there is something to be said for the idea of what I’m going to call “forceful prudence.”

I should just be blunt. It might not be one of my better qualities, but it sure is one I’m good at.

What I’m saying is… For example, in the gay community, the drag queens of the world will not be the ones winning the fight for gay adoption or marriage rights. I’m not saying drag queens are in the wrong, or they SHOULDN’T be allowed to have these rights, nor am I saying all drag queens are gay, etc. etc. etc. Of course not. I’m hoping everyone who reads this can follow my logic without attributing false prejudices to me.  I’m just trying to make a point…

Anyway, the homosexual couples or individuals breaking ground are the ones who say: “Look. This is a relationship preference, not a sexual deviance, or something that negatively colors my daily life in society. I am a normal human who wears normal human clothes and has a normal job. My relationship is based on love and respect and the meeting of needs that forms whole, satisfied people. It is a BIT different than yours, but guess what? I’m still like you! I like the same movies, I read the same books, and I vote in the same elections. I can raise stunning children, and I pick my nose when no one is looking. So relax, and don’t look at me like that when I hold hands with my partner in public. No people, children, or animals were harming in the joining of these hands. I promise.”

It’s the inclusive public behaviors that lead to acceptance, not the strange and unnecessary public behaviors.  Show them what’s the same before you show them what’s different.  Basically…

You want someone to cross a river of difference, judgment, prejudice, and fear? You have to show them the bridge before you worry about showing them the glories of your banks.

I understand there is a fine line between presenting my world with discretion to those who don’t understand it and the idea that I “have” to hide who I really am in order to talk about myself. I get that, I get that distinction. I believe forceful prudence is on the right side of that line.

My goal is to talk about the lifestyle as a whole. Honestly and completely. As such, I’m not for the over-sexualizing, the entirely kink-centric blogs (I’m not saying there isn’t a time and a place for the pure-kink kind of blogs. There is. I’m just not interested. To me, that’s like saying I want to talk about a relationship, and just posting a lot of porn. That’s not a relationship. That’s sex.), and I’m not for sprinkling useless junk like “W/we” everywhere that isolates me instead of promotes me as intelligent and approachable.

I should say… I’m not looking for personal acceptance here. I’m looking for a broader acceptance. That is my overall goal. Will I see it reached? Likely not. But I’m okay with just being on the right side of the struggle, even if I don’t see the outcome.

It’s just that not everyone who blogs about BDSM lifestyles seems to want the lifestyle accepted. Some definitely do. I think some just think they do. But you know what they say about actions and words. And I guess that disappoints me a little. It shouldn’t. There’s no mandate that says people have to serve a purpose higher than themselves. But I’m an imperfect creature, and I admit it bothers me a little.

There are blogs I love, of course. The ones I read tend to be by intelligent people who examine themselves and their lifestyle and how both of those things fit into the world. These bloggers also indulge in silliness and personal stories and they make me smile and laugh just as often as they make me think. They are warm and smart, strong yet vulnerable, and overall – very cool people. And I so badly want to be a part of that energy, that community. I think that’s the community that will be the change they wish to see in the world.

I am terrified when I hear things about kids being taken away, about people being shunned or run out of town, of families torn apart over BDSM. It reminds me a bit of the uphill battle that the gay and lesbian community has been fighting, and in a lot of cases (though, fuck everyone who voted Yes on Prop 8), winning. I think we can win our battle too. I think we deserve to. I think, as with every type of relationship, there are perversions and abuse and people who are bad for each other and possibly just bad for the world. But I think there is so much good here, that this is worth a more accepted position in societal consciousness.

The trouble I see is that the “face” of BDSM today is entirely sexualized. Entirely. It’s about bondage and fetish gear and sex sex sex. I can see why it’d be so hard to swallow for a lot of the rest of the world. I’ve done the google searches and I GET that. I get how it all comes across as freaky porn. I see what a lot of people see when they think “BDSM.”  I see the soundbyte version. I see the nude models in the fetish gear, the chains and the perfect lipstick, the wide, bright eyes, the brutal sex ruling all. I see the public mascots. And they disgust me.

But say I’d grown up in a family with parents who were into BDSM – say my parents’ relationship had been like mine is. They wouldn’t have told me about the sex part, of course, but they operated in a way that was very traditional. Dad was The Boss, and Mom stayed at home and catered to him. Nothing happened without his say-so. And one day, I discovered that not all relationships were like that. Some people, *gasp* didn’t live like that! So I went around looking for descriptions of this lifestyle. And all I found was a bunch of vapid porn stars and pre-fab writing about the joys of gang bangs? I’d be just as disgusted.

So I guess I’m saying I don’t blame people for looking down on BDSM. I choose to blame myself for, thus far in my life, not really giving them anything in BDSM to look up to.  I want to do my part, however small it ends up being, to change that in myself, and maybe help tip the balance just slightly more in the direction I want it to go.  I won’t call it the "right" direction, becuase lord knows I don’t have what it takes (namely, divinity) to pick and chose right and wrong on such a scale… But it’s the direction I want it to go…

Hrm…

This post feels so meandering and vague. I feel like I have so much to say, and my words have all run for cover between my teeth, or all the syllables took detours in my throat and ended up in my sinuses. I feel blocked and unclear.  I know how to present an idea. I just don’t quite know how to make a solid case for putting it into action.

Better get to work, Chlo.

EDITED TO ADD:  I always feel like I’m painfully unclear…  Does anyone else feel the need to qualify half the things they say in order to be clear?  I do.  Anyway… I just wanted to say in likening the struggle of the gay and lesbian community to the struggle of someone wanting BDSM to find a place in the mainstream beyond shock and porn, I wasn’t attempting to liken the struggles THAT tightly.  They have vaslty different goals and issues, different paths that are of different lengths and with different obstacles.